One of the most overwhelming feelings for me in connection to RP is uselessness, and a lot of it stems from the fact that I can’t drive. As I have written and written, Los Angeles is a city of cars; most people have at least one and most everyone depends on their car to get them through their lives. When you can’t, or don’t drive in a city that is carcentric, you can end up feeling that your usefulness as a friend, a wife, a daughter, is sorely diminished.
As I get older and my friends are traveling more and needing rides to the airport or wanting to go out to new and far off restaurants, I hate that I can’t ever be the one to offer the ride or step into the role of designated driver. I sometimes end up feeling like such a burden on my friends and it seems that all I am good for is a chat and a shoulder to cry on. I want to be the friend who can be depended on for a ride or a rescue and instead I am always the one needing the ride or the rescue. Maybe if I lived in more of a walking city or town, the field would seem a bit more leveled, but as it stands I simply feel as if I am not keeping up my end of friendships. I want to be the friend who can participate equally in everything. I will never be that friend.
As a wife, it hits me the hardest. My husband had surgery last year and it was devastating for me that I couldn’t take him or pick him up. He had to rely on his brother while I waited at home for him to come back with bandaged knee. It made me feel so inadequate, so useless. I can’t run out to the store in the middle of the day if it isn’t in walking distance, so he gets burdened with having to do all of our errands with me on his days off. I want to be the wife who can pick my husband up at the airport or run out to the market to get him a treat late at night. I will never be that wife.
This year, my brother was diagnosed with cancer and has had hospital stays and numerous doctors appointments and chemotherapy sessions, all of which I could have taken him to if I didn’t have RP. I could have visited him at the hospital any time without having to burden my husband or parents with giving me lifts. This also makes me feel utterly useless as a daughter. My father and stepmother aren’t young and frankly my stepmother really shouldn’t be driving at all, but they have been driving back and forth across town with frequency over the past few months. If I wasn’t losing my vision, I could relieve them of some of the driving responsibility, but instead I prove to be a burden myself. I want to be the sister and the daughter who can be there in a crisis and help out in every way. I will never be that sister, that daughter.
Before the RP, I considered myself to be such an independent person. I went where I wanted when I wanted and I could be there at the ready for the people in my life, little black hatchback in tow. I try to maintain as much independence as possible now, but let’s face it, life without a driver’s license in Los Angeles can leave you feeling stranded and sometimes a bit worthless to those you love. I want to be able to visit my mom’s grave when I am missing her or drive to a reunion with old friends. I want to be a person whose life doesn’t have to be planned around their disease. I will never be that person.
Stories From the Edge of Blindness 
September 11, 2011 at 3:41 pm
Wow, this is honestly like you’re writing what’s on my mind a lot. I’m 17, and the majority of my friends at school are learning to drive. They discuss what cars they’re going to get, when they’re taking the test etc. And I’m not, purely because I can’t see. It’s frustrating and horrible and sometimes I can’t deal with it and so I understand in a way where you’re coming from.
I’ve been blind since birth and after a while some things get easier. I don’t get as angry about it as I used to, but in other ways it’s still equally as difficult. There are still days when I feel like it’s unfair and why me, but I can’t answer those questions. Those thoughts do get less frequent. I hope that helps, if only a little. Thank you for voicing so well how I feel.
September 11, 2011 at 3:55 pm
Wow, Holly, you brought me to tears. You clearly have a strength and wisdom at 17 that it has taken me forty years to come even close to. I am glad that what I wrote resonates with you and I hope it helps you know that we are not alone but have people who really do get what it feels like to face the challenges of blindness. I think we deserve a why me day every once in a while, but you seem to really have the strength to move past those days and moments and into positive spaces. You impress me.
s
September 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm
No burden at all. Ever.
September 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm
thank you my dear friend.xoxo
September 12, 2011 at 3:22 am
Looking at it from a purely self-centered point of view – the whole driving thing bugs me a lot too. It feels as if my world is slowly contracting to a point. A point in space where I’m sitting in a room trying not to be a drag on others by wanting to go here or there. A point that occasionally expands to include things that are walk able or bus-able in my neighborhood, e.g. the gym.
My beloved is totally ready to take me anywhere at anytime, yet there’s that thing in me that doesn’t want to be a burden.
Keep writing my friend… .your musings are a much needed catalyst.
September 12, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I think the driving feels like one more freedom being ripped away. My husband ( and my friends) are also so great about driving me, but I can’t help wishing they didn’t always have to. The image of the world contracting to a point is a scary one, but true.
September 12, 2011 at 8:49 am
Oh, Sweetie! I understand how hard it is not to be able to be there in all the ways you’d like. You can’t be the errand-runner, picker-upper and driver you’d like to be, but that does not negate your value as a person. The things you can’t offer as a driver are far outweiged by what you do offer as a person. Drivers are a dime a dozen. Rare gems like you are hard to find. Your keen mind and sweet, warm heart are a treasure. Simply being in your presence is nourishing and nurturing. I wish you could see what an extraordinary person you really are. I think we’re all very fortunate to have you in our lives. xoxox
September 12, 2011 at 4:34 pm
Oh C, you really are the loveliest woman. This brought me to tears; I am so grateful to have you in my life; you are a real beacon of light and inspiration and I love you very much. xoxo
October 14, 2011 at 4:08 am
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m 22 years old, about to graduate college, and I long for this independence. I want to be able to go out with friends and drive myself. I don’t want to have to depend on my boyfriend or my parents tot come up to take me somewhere. But I do. I’m learning how to use the bus system, that’s the great part about living in Dallas and surrounding areas. I guess I never really thought of how I might really need to take this into consideration when deciding where to move later on in life. Thank you for your great post. It takes a lot for someone to open up like that.
October 15, 2011 at 2:26 am
Hi Jessica –
Thank you! And big congrats on your impending graduation. I know you will find the city that is perfect for you in every way.
s
October 15, 2011 at 7:28 pm
I feel thrilled and honored to have you in my car when we go places. I’m not driving you somewhere, we’re sharing an adventure. Driving to get to you is merely the means by which I get to see you. Well worth it every time. I understand the loss of independence, but as one who gets to have you as a passenger, it is never a burden.
October 16, 2011 at 9:22 pm
I love you Steph; I really do. We do have adventures and I treasure them. I am grateful to have you in my life. Thank you.
November 15, 2011 at 9:20 am
My heart is with you. Your post hit home today. I was ranting this morning because I lost my ability to drive due to vision loss a short time ago. Ilive in Northern Virginia. T
he traffic is horrific but I would give anything to be stuck in it again. I want to see friends or run up to the store or go shopping alone. I want to continue volunteering and help others but always need a driver. I feel so helpless and so depressed. I know there is always someone who is happy to drive me anywhere I want to go but the point is, I don’t want that. I want my independence and freedom.
December 2, 2011 at 9:59 am
I am so sorry and you know I get it.