I feel hollow, as if the pulp of my heart has been scooped out and its shell stripped of texture and color. I have lost poetry, misplaced language. Or perhaps I have siphoned out everything I had to give and now it is time to recognize that the glimmers of my words have been luck, and that my luck has run out. Continue reading “This Isn’t About Self Doubt”
I touched briefly yesterday on the idea of trying to create balance in my life, shaping the time I have in ways that let light in from all directions. I have never been good at this, but if I don’t figure out a way to make it happen, I am afraid the walls I build will become so thick, I will be trapped in the gaze of a single light that pushes possibility and experience into complete darkness. Continue reading “Out of Ink”
The rain has been with us for days, washing debris from the sky and the pavement, leaking in through windows, trying to trick us into feeling unsettled. But, the rain has always made me feel safe, contemplative.
This year I will be 50. I may write about it….a lot. I might just push it into the dirt after this post, but that seems unlikely. I honestly find it slightly unbelievable. I want to say it is because I feel 30, but I don’t. I have brutalized my body for so many of my 50 years, and it holds the scars, reminds me how time both escapes and binds. I am told that I don’t look 50, but grief has left lines on my face and darkness beneath my eyes. It has aged me, but also strengthened me. I find the idea of 50 unbelievable, not because I crave youth, but because there is so much that has been chipped away, it seems impossible for so many years to have passed. Continue reading “Breaking into 50”
The title of this post may be a tad misleading. The best eye appointment would either be Dr. Sarraf telling me it has all been a dream and I don’t actually have RP, or Dr. Sarraf giving me a pill that would cure the RP and completely restore my sight. Given the fact that those two things are pretty unlikely……it was definitely the best eye appointment ever. Continue reading “Best Eye Appointment Ever”
Tomorrow is my annual appointment with the retinal specialist. I used to suffer from at least a week of anxiety and fear leading up to the appointment, but I have been through it so many times, I now start getting anxious about it just the day before. I suppose I am lucky that I only have to go once a year, given that there is no treatment for my disease(that isn’t so lucky), but the day is always long, painful and exhausting. Continue reading “Once a Year”
It was an honor and a blast to be a part of this very cool exercise, with so many fantastic writers!
In a split second, the weight of my mind can become unbearable. The feeling of my skin disgusts me. I remember everything that makes me ugly, all the anger and how I have hurt people. I start thinking about everything I have lost. I weave myself into the fabric of lies I believe in, as if they are prophecy. I become the nightmare. I become the noise. Continue reading “I Become the Noise”