A little over a year ago, a man put a needle in my hand, sent me off to sleep, and changed the landscape of my heart.
Apparently, it was an electrical problem, but it felt more like a bird rapidly beating its wings inside my chest, terrified and desperate to get out. My heart was broken. It had been broken for years.
In a hospital in California, I was told I couldn’t be fixed, patted on the shoulder and sent off with bottles of pills to quell the unruly rhythms I had most likely inherited from my father. The pills worked for years, but I lived in constant fear of waking to the desperate flutterings of the bird. Eventually, the bird began to appear more often, more aggressively, its terror increasing along with my own.
At times, the bird grew exhausted and the beating of its wings slowed, so slow my heart felt heavy, rooms spun and faded. I found myself in a hospital in Ireland, trying to escape in the middle of the night, talking to a psych doctor who convinced me to stay, told me the heart doctor was coming, that he was worth the wait.
I waited five days, the bird with me the whole time. When he came, this doctor who held hope in his hands like the sun, he told me those other doctors, the ones across an ocean as wide as a planet, were wrong. He told me he could fix me, that hope was something to be shared.
The rhythm in my heart has been steady for over year, and the bird now perches on the tip of my tongue, free to fly and sing, hope stretched across its wings.
April 29, 2024 at 4:56 pm
So the bird is back inside it’s cage where it belongs..
April 29, 2024 at 4:59 pm
It’s free now, my love. I love you to the moon and back.
April 29, 2024 at 5:31 pm
A fresh look, new ideas, less ego, more ego, more daring. Something worked. Glad the bird is happy and singing again.
April 29, 2024 at 5:34 pm
Me too, George!! Thank you!
April 29, 2024 at 5:32 pm
Whoever that doctor is, I want to plant my lips on his cheek – what a beautiful and caring human. This further confirms that you made the right move and that Ireland is where you belong. I’m so sorry you went through that, Susan. But I’m so damn happy you are now celebrating the anniversary of freeing that bird! ❤️ xoxo
April 29, 2024 at 5:35 pm
Thank you, Beautiful Lady! I have to admit I am probably a little bit in love with him, but I think Joe is too, so it’s all good! He changed my life and I will be forever grateful!
April 29, 2024 at 5:34 pm
Nicely written
April 29, 2024 at 5:36 pm
Thank you so much!!!!!
April 29, 2024 at 7:01 pm
This is such a beautiful piece of writing Susan, my own heart beat fast while I was reading, I could feel the anxiety climbing and then the ending let me exhale and breathe in this sense of hope that you bring to life
April 29, 2024 at 10:09 pm
Thank you so much, Doreen. I tried to write about this a year ago, but couldn’t. Today seemed like the right time. I hope you are happy and well. xo
April 29, 2024 at 7:02 pm
that is hope
sprinkled with much
healing suzy
April 29, 2024 at 10:09 pm
It is. Thank you, John!!!
April 29, 2024 at 7:58 pm
Sounds like the bird was keeping you safe.
April 29, 2024 at 10:10 pm
She still is. Thank you so much for reading!
April 30, 2024 at 7:16 pm
I see a Robin or butterfly 🦋 they make me feel safe.
April 30, 2024 at 7:41 am
Hey Lovely Lady. I had no idea you were living with that. To have found someone to heal you must be unimaginable relief. Not just a physical fix, but a psychological and emotional one too. This caught my own emotions as a family member has just been to another country to have his heart fixed. How wonderful we have the opportunity and means to find healers in unexpected places. We should all be open to that possibility, and therein lies the hope you speak of. What a beautiful expression of a difficult experience.
April 30, 2024 at 8:38 am
Thank you so much, Lovely Gwen!!! I am so glad your family member had the opportunity to find some healing as well. I am incredibly grateful and the whole experience has taught me so much.
April 30, 2024 at 12:50 pm
“The rhythm of my heart is steady”. What a lovely metaphor for you❤️
April 30, 2024 at 2:42 pm
Thank you, my dear friend! I am so grateful for you! xoxo
May 4, 2024 at 5:56 pm
You could have just told us the steps and the timeline. Instead you made it something beautiful. Well done, and I am happy for your good health