Leisure

RP has thrown me into a life of leisure.  It sounds decadent,  but has felt confusing and burdensome.  It has been a struggle for me to brush off the restraints of socialization and embrace the time that RP has afforded me.  I had such grand ideas when I first stopped working in the traditional world; I was going to immerse myself in writing and finish my memoir, but instead I retreated and built a cocoon of shame and self loathing.  I spent years trying to figure out how to be a blind person and forgot how to be anything else.

Although my days of not working can be exhausting because of the need for constant visual vigilance every time I leave the house, I get to choose when and where I go.  I have the freedom to decide what my days look like and what path my life will follow, unencumbered by the 9 to 5.  in the past year, my focus and my attitude have shifted.  I have become a little less afraid and started to think about my life and myself in a more complete way.  I am not just the fat girl who is going blind.  I am a writer and a wife and a friend and a mom to 4 pets.  I am learning again to be person beyond the boundaries of my disease and feeling incredibly grateful for my life of leisure.

Pillars and White Canes

I am a walking disaster. The bruises on my arm and hand and legs, and the bump on my head, remind me that I can’t just walk through the world as if I am graceful, as if I can see.

My most recent assault was perpetrated by an enormous pillar in the middle of an aisle in a Sprouts grocery store.  The fucking thing was wider than me (which is saying something), and I didn’t see it.  I was on a mission for roasted veggie chips in the bulk section, but the pillar had other ideas.  I ran into it face first and hit is so hard that I ricocheted off and landed on my ass, hitting my arm and hand against the bulk bins.  It sounds comical as I write this, and I did laugh at the time, but it really hurt and got me thinking again about white canes.

Every time I have a more memorable collision, I start contemplating white canes.  I wish the damn things weren’t white; I am cool with the red tip, but I want a cane that can be personalized with dragons or flowers or pictures of pugs.  I have an array of aesthetic desires when it comes to accessories.  And honestly, the cane scares me.  I wonder what it will mean if I take the step toward a mobility device and how I will have to readjust to the world around me.

I know all the reasons why a cane would be a good idea; I could avoid collisions and accidents and it would let people know that I can’t see them.  The cane would scream, “blind girl coming through”, and the crowd would part to let me pass.  But maybe I’m not ready to be that blind.  Maybe I need to hide in my partially sighted shadow for just a little while longer.