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Stories From the Edge of Blindness

In 2002, Retinitis Pigmentosa changed my life. This is my story of a slow approach to darkness.

Month

May 2013

Removing Distractions

When you are hopelessly undisciplined like I am, you eventually have to remove the distractions that you have clung to so desperately.  So, today I unplugged from Facebook and Etsy and the games on my iPhone.  I decided that it is time for me to stop living through the lives of other people via social network and to start writing like I have been promising to do for years.  I keep telling my husband that I am going to get my poetry collection done and my memoir written and instead all I do is disappear into Facebook and sit in a bath of futility hoping that if I wait long enough, I will eventually arrive.

I feel good about my decision to untangle myself; the truth is that Facebook often just felt like a reminder that I am living in a silent and darkening cave, pretending to be someone who I wish I could be instead of being the person that I actually am.  I am a writer who has forgotten how to write, how to see and how to live.  Today, I take steps that I hope will create positive change in my life and get me doing what I know in my heart I am supposed to do.

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Fitting

I have always lived under a veil of darkness, so it seems fitting to me that I am going blind.  Even as a child I drifted toward sadness.  When I was six, I was asked by my teacher to write a thanksgiving story.  My fellow students all wrote stories about pilgrims and big festive dinners with happy shiny families, but I wrote about a turkey who commits suicide.  I have always wondered how I knew what suicide was at only six years old.  Why did I feel connected to sadness and discontent at such a young age?  Well, one thing is for sure, it isn’t a surprise that  I am the very sad middle-aged woman that I am today.

I feel as if I have spent my whole life trying to feel happiness and to hold onto it for more than a few moments.  I seem to always return to dark places and habitual longings to simply disappear.  I have dreamed of being anyone but me and felt disappointed over and over again upon waking in the same damaged skin.  I have yearned for darkness and now darkness is coming.  My eyes are failing me just as I have always failed myself and everyone around me.  It all fits so perfectly together, the tragic puzzle pieces of who I am or who I  have allowed myself to become.  I am wrapped so tightly in sadness and self loathing that I cannot breathe without their cruel touch; they have defined me for so long and my fight is gone.  The older I get the more easily I give up and give in.  I am waiting now.  Waiting to go blind.  Waiting for the world to disappear.  Maybe I will disappear too.

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