I had leftover sweet potato fries for lunch. Yeah, it’s that kind of day. I can’t focus. The city is bumpy and screeching outside my windows and I can smell summer approaching. I know that spring has only recently officially begun, but there is no Spring here, not really. I fell on the sidewalk, while walking the dogs and gawking at the monstrous buildings that are popping up like weeds in Hollywood. I got a bit scraped up and bruised. Why does falling hurt more when you’re almost 49? And almost blind? I cry when I fall, not because it hurts, but because it reminds me. I am resenting Zelda (my white cane, for those who haven’t been introduced) and RP and middle age. I should be working on poetry. I am writing this blog post instead.
So, Zelda and I have not parted ways, but we are not exactly friends. I still take her with me, most places, but I don’t use her. She feels like a chain around my neck. I don’t feel like I need her, until I do. I feel like I am almost normally sighted, until I am on the ground or colliding inappropriately with a stranger. It is being in the in-between that is so frustrating, so demoralizing. I am blind but I am not. I can see, but I can’t. Where the fuck do you go with that? I live precariously on the best of days and foolishly on the days that seem to sink beneath my feet. I don’t feel self pity, I feel angry, at my disease, at Zelda, at the invisibility of my blindness and the balancing act it forces me into.
I cried the other night and told Joe I didn’t want any of this shit; No RP, No Zelda, No fucking tightrope. I think all people need these moments. I allow myself these sojourns into frustration (ok, yeah, maybe it is a bit of self pity), but I allow myself to climb out of them as well. I don’t know if I would truly feel alive without the sensations of both falling and rising.
The truth is, I think I need Zelda mostly as an indication to other people that I am visually impaired. People expect me to be able to see them, to move out of the way. Why wouldn’t they? I find myself standing as close as I can to Joe when we are out, using him as a sort of shield. This isn’t fair to him. And, even though Zelda’s case leaves her exposed, it isn’t enough to really warn people of impending collisions. To be fair, I don’t actually have a lot of falls or collisions – I have gotten really good at navigating with impaired sight – but near falls and collisions happen with frequency, or so I am told.
After I climbed out of my self pity enclosure, I decided that I would get a smaller cane, something that doesn’t feel like such a burden to me, but will make it clear to strangers that I have some vision challenges. People avoid the hell out of you when you carry a white cane.
In the UK, they have something called an identification cane, but we are, as ever, behind the times, so my option here is a slightly shorter, skinnier cane. Zelda is about shoulder height and it feels awkward to just carry her around without going through the motions of what she was designed for. So, I will retire Zelda, get the new cane and give it a pretty name, and see what happens.
For today, here in my house, wearing pajamas and trying to write poetry…..I don’t want fucking RP, I don’t want blindness, I don’t want Zelda. And while I am at it, I don’t want to be fucking middle-aged. At least I can bid farewell to one of them.
March 28, 2018 at 12:30 pm
I’m fairly new to your story, so will be reading more to educate myself. You paint such a vivid picture with your words. And what an interesting perspective, to only feel like you’ve risen having fallen. Hope you can make a better friend out of your new cane.
March 28, 2018 at 12:51 pm
Thank you so much and thank you for reading. I am so thrilled!!!!!
March 28, 2018 at 12:52 pm
I recognize you from Twitter and am excited to know more!
March 28, 2018 at 1:59 pm
Yes, I follow Healthy Living For Hot Messes, think that was how I discovered you 😉
March 28, 2018 at 4:26 pm
I am so happy! I love Mandi!!! HLHM is so funny! Super excited to start reading your stuff!
March 28, 2018 at 12:40 pm
I think your choice of lunch definitely said it all.
A lot for processing…and yet you still did it with your style. I agree. Fuck middle age.
March 28, 2018 at 12:54 pm
Right? I have to say that the sweet potato fries were pretty yummy though!
March 28, 2018 at 1:16 pm
Susan you’re a fucking hero to me because despite how it may feel you ha for all this shit in the most graceful and selfless manner. You are such a fantastic writer, this post is as beautiful and vivid as any poetry.
As for Zelda and middle age, I can’t think of anything more fitting than trading in something that feels burdensome for a newer thinner model 😉 Im sorry i couldn’t help myself, but in all seriousness you need to get something that feels right to you. I’m sending you all the hugs and virtual chipotle aioli for those seed potato fries ❤❤❤
March 28, 2018 at 2:17 pm
You always make me happy and smile and you always make me laugh! Thank you Mandi! Chipotle Aioli, yes please!!!! I adore you!
March 28, 2018 at 1:17 pm
That should have said “handle” and “sweet” but you get it
March 28, 2018 at 2:18 pm
Learning to decipher each others typos is part of the love, my friend. I don’t think I put out a tweet or post without at least one.
March 28, 2018 at 1:28 pm
Oddly enough I was just starting a post called Invisible Disability: a Day in the Life of the Vision Impaired. You beat me to it and, I’m afraid , better than I would have. Kudos for your honesty.
March 28, 2018 at 2:20 pm
Bruce, your post will be gorgeous! You help so many of us! It is a weird tightrope that we walk.
March 28, 2018 at 1:36 pm
Do what you gotta do, honey.
It’s one of those day. Just let go and scream at the top of your lungs- fuck RP, fuck Zelda, fuck blindness!!!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow’s another day.
March 28, 2018 at 2:22 pm
Thank you Gorgeous Lady! We all need these days where we tell it all to go the fuck away. Writing the post actually really helped. It led me to make meatballs, which led me to music, which made me want to dance and then I returned to the poem. I am ready to finish it!!!!
March 28, 2018 at 2:26 pm
Cool. As long as it takes. It may be a bad day, but it’s not a bad life. I’ll pass, it has to.
I’ve finished my third one and it’s as dark as hell. You’ll love it. I don’t know about Wulf though. Good for cutting wrists, as I said earlier.
March 28, 2018 at 4:32 pm
Oh, you know I love the dark stuff! You are writing like mad!!!! I am so excited for you and I can’t wait to read!! Is that weird to say after the good for cutting wrists thing? You know what I mean. I know you totally get it, the going to the dark to emerge thing. If we don’t go there, it just stays inside. I think Wulf can handle it; he keeps the light on.
March 28, 2018 at 6:57 pm
And Tom. Someone has to.
March 28, 2018 at 8:21 pm
Definitely Tom! We need these guys. And you! We all so need you! ❤️
March 28, 2018 at 8:44 pm
We need one another. What’s light without darkness and vice versa.
March 28, 2018 at 1:59 pm
I felt the same as you about a cane early on, but I decided capitulating to the disease was more dignified that failing in public, or walking around like a drunk. I got over that mental hurdle pretty quickly. I like the idea of naming a cane though though. Got any ideas?
BTW, wallowing in self pity can be refreshing as long as you get over your bad self ASAP
March 28, 2018 at 2:25 pm
I totally agree, Steve. The writing helps a lot. I am feeling better already and will get the new cane this weekend. It was weird, I just knew Zelda’s name the minute I held her. I guess I have a need to name. You will know the name for yours when it is time.
March 30, 2018 at 7:42 pm
For the record, I think canes are damn cool!
March 28, 2018 at 3:23 pm
Awe. I just want to give you a big hug. You got this! OK?!?!? You can handle this. Kim
March 28, 2018 at 4:34 pm
Thank you Kim!!! I know you know how those days are. It actually really helps me to write about it. I felt much better after writing and made meatballs and danced and got out of the gloom. I know it will come back, but the older I get, the better I get at finding my way out. Sometimes you just have to get pissed off and sad and let it out.
March 28, 2018 at 4:36 pm
Absolutely! If you don’t have those times you will just get physically ill. Be sad, be angry, wish it all away! Then eat a meatball and dance! 🙂
March 28, 2018 at 4:38 pm
This is going to be my new motto Kim!!!! ” Be sad, be angry, wish it all away! Then eat a meatball and dance!”
March 28, 2018 at 6:46 pm
I love it!!! Tee shirt slogan!!!
March 28, 2018 at 8:22 pm
I am on it!
March 28, 2018 at 8:49 pm
God bless you Susan. I have had lifetime of health issues, illnesses, surgeries, loss, grief and chronic pain, but it is nothing compared to what you are dealing with. I will be 74 in May and through it all I am still living and loving life. You are an inspiration to me and so many others dear friend. You are admired, inspiring and loved. You have never given up, nor will you, and for that and for so many other reasons, I Love You. ☺💛
March 29, 2018 at 5:46 am
Walt, this was an amazing message to wake up to. Thank you so much. You, my friend, are an inspiration and I am sending so much love your way! You have a brightness to you Walt; one that touches so many and that I am grateful for.
March 29, 2018 at 6:15 am
I’m just an old romantic rock & roller who cares about people. Thank you for your kind comments dear friend. ☺💛
March 29, 2018 at 4:06 am
Right on! I totally get the raging I DONT WANT THIS!!! It can be so damn frustrating! A good friend of mine calls them “sucks to be blind” days. Sweet potato fries, great comfort food on pissed off days.
March 29, 2018 at 5:48 am
I love that, “sucks to be blind days”. We need them! The fries definitely helped!
March 29, 2018 at 6:16 am
Oh sweetie! Sending lots of love and a giant hug 🤗
You’re the most kick-ass woman I know. Middle-aged be damned.
March 29, 2018 at 7:34 am
Thank you Rita!!!! You are so awesome!!!!!
March 29, 2018 at 7:47 pm
You are ❤️
March 29, 2018 at 7:32 am
Oh, Susan. I am sorry you bailed and got bruised up, but I am glad you found some comfort food to get you through. It’s so good that you indulged in some self-pity. Fuck, you have every reason to. You can’t be strong all of the time, and like you said, you can’t know what it feels like to be truly alive if you didn’t have to fight to rise from a fall. You are an inspiration, and I very much admire your strength. I hope that today is a better day! If not, I highly recommend a tub of ice cream.
March 29, 2018 at 7:35 am
Thank you Lovely! I am feeling much better. But….ice cream still sounds pretty good!!!
March 29, 2018 at 8:07 am
So happy to hear that you are feeling better today!
March 30, 2018 at 7:44 pm
Can I recommend beer, or your favorite equivalent? 😉
March 31, 2018 at 7:17 am
Yes you may, and yes I did…..a little bit (or more) of some Pinot Noir can defiantly soothe what ails!
March 31, 2018 at 7:44 am
LOL. Umm, yeah!!
March 29, 2018 at 7:54 am
We should totally get a new cane this week, I still like Michael!! Also the meatballs rocked. I am glad you vented because I could see you were upset. You do so well considering what you have to deal with, always be proud my love.
March 29, 2018 at 8:01 am
I love you! You are my world, you know that!
March 29, 2018 at 3:24 pm
We all have those days. Chin up. ❤
March 29, 2018 at 3:31 pm
Thanks Casey!!!!
March 30, 2018 at 9:10 am
Yes, we don’t want many things that come our way in life. Here we believe that what is written for us will happen. I know it sounds very fatalistic but many a time it helps. Regards.
March 30, 2018 at 9:29 am
It does help! Thank you!
March 30, 2018 at 7:21 pm
I’ve been MIA the last few weeks. But the upside of that is that I can binge your last few post. I hope you’re feeling better and we definitely all need these moments. 🌸🌸🌸
March 31, 2018 at 7:14 am
I am so happy you are back!!!! I just commented on your post, but I don’t know if it went through, so I will say it again here……I was super excited to see you in my reader feed yesterday! I read your post in a lyft and was cracking up. I couldn’t comment at the time because it is too much of a challenge to type on the phone when you are hysterically laughing. Welcome back! You are awesome!
April 6, 2018 at 5:03 pm
Thanks Susan!!
March 30, 2018 at 7:51 pm
I fell too, sister … a couple of days behind on my replies. 😎 Otherwise I would’ve picked you up myself. 😊
But since America hasn’t figured out how to do the identification cane thing yet, I think you should be allowed to walk down the street with a f’ing rapier, swinging it back and forth. If folks don’t get out of your way with that, well …
… that’ll only happen once. 😉
Love ya, Susan, hope you’re feeling better today!
March 31, 2018 at 7:21 am
I am so glad to see you back and was thrilled to read your post this morning. Your writing is so good, it makes me feel like a toddler, but it also makes me think and want to be better, and it inspired the hell out of me.
This is Hollywood, so a rapier may be just the ticket! I adore you, Tom! Thank you for aways being amazing!!!!
March 31, 2018 at 10:02 am
Very kind words! Now be careful where you point that thing. 😎
March 31, 2018 at 10:29 am
I will do my best, but the whole blind thing may present a problem! hahahaha
March 31, 2018 at 10:41 am
🤣🤣🤣😲🤺
April 1, 2018 at 8:43 am
Kudos Susan! You’re clearly an inspiration to many. Rant, rave, rock, roll, and whatever you need to do to let it go and move on. Thanks for your courage and honesty. hugs, Brad
April 1, 2018 at 9:03 am
Thank you Brad! I think we all need those day; without them, it is hard to move forward.
April 1, 2018 at 9:04 am
Absolutely!
April 2, 2018 at 10:55 am
I love that you allow yourself to feel what you feel, process and move on. I think your next poem’s title should be Fuck RP, Zelda and middle age, that would be a good Ted Talk!! XO
April 2, 2018 at 11:19 am
I love you Beautiful Lady!!!! Can’t wait for you guys to come home!
May 25, 2018 at 11:37 pm
You are so exquisitely brave. I’m so sorry you fell—that you fall! Hugs and knee pads! You are an also an amazing writer. Tightrope walker!! I missed this post. Incredible. And what an amazing community you’ve created.
May 26, 2018 at 7:54 am
Thank you, my friend!!!!!
August 25, 2018 at 3:29 pm
Susan, I marvel at your work, your resilience, your craft… absolutely brilliant.
August 26, 2018 at 10:02 am
Thank you so much, Lance!
August 26, 2018 at 10:42 am
Always a pleasure to read your work, Susan. Your pennings are an inspiration to so many writers.