I was supposed to have my final lesson with Tamar yesterday, but I woke up feeling a sort of jet lag that resembled flu or an unfortunate hangover. Joe has started a new shift at work and we are now getting up at 4am, so my body is adjusting, but perhaps I was also putting off having to say goodbye to Tamar.
Now that I know my next lesson with Tamar will be my last, I have begun to feel exhausted just looking at Zelda. She feels like a weight that I can’t bear, like a blanket covering my heart in this energy sucking heat wave that is melting the decrepit streets of Los Angeles. I feel desperate to leave her behind, along with RP and blindness and the cruelty of these sun filled days.
I try to keep my mind alive with the moments that Zelda has shown me freedom and a weightlessness in my existence that wasn’t there before I held her in my frightened grip. I force myself to take her with me everywhere I go, whether or not I actually use her, but I still find myself in agonizing contemplation over taking her or leaving her hanging on her crowded hook.
I take her from her resting place and sling her across my back like an iron burden. She punctures the world I have pretended to live in for so many years and I feel her pulling me into an isolation that I crave more than I like to admit. How can she be my burden and my protector? How do I resolve this in my head and in my heart? What will I do when I no longer have Tamar to lean on?
February 9, 2018 at 8:22 pm
I think I understand. There is also a lot of loss from those you were close to. I sense you became very fond and fear more loss.
February 10, 2018 at 6:34 am
I absolutely do. I don’t get close to very many people; I have few friends, but they are all a part of the fabric of my life. I think I was also afraid of being alone with Zelda; Tamar was a safety net for me.
February 10, 2018 at 7:10 am
I sensed it. I saw it. It is easier to see when following your story the way I have.
February 10, 2018 at 7:20 am
It is a strange experience, wonderful but strange.
May 20, 2019 at 8:41 am
“What will I do when I no longer have Tamar to lean on?”
You will always carry with you the memory of your time with her and the skills that you learned will be that part of her that you will always keep. Do you remain in contact with her?
And of course you always have Joe.
May 20, 2019 at 9:03 am
She is so lovely and we did keep in contact for a while, but I haven’t reached out to her for about a year. I am glad you are reminding me. I will reach out to her today and thank her. Thank you, Paul!!!
May 20, 2019 at 9:40 am
Is the contact page on your website secure? As in not published?
May 20, 2019 at 10:08 am
Yes!