I was supposed to have my final lesson with Tamar yesterday, but I woke up feeling a sort of jet lag that resembled flu or an unfortunate hangover. Joe has started a new shift at work and we are now getting up at 4am, so my body is adjusting, but perhaps I was also putting off having to say goodbye to Tamar.
Now that I know my next lesson with Tamar will be my last, I have begun to feel exhausted just looking at Zelda. She feels like a weight that I can’t bear, like a blanket covering my heart in this energy sucking heat wave that is melting the decrepit streets of Los Angeles. I feel desperate to leave her behind, along with RP and blindness and the cruelty of these sun filled days.
I try to keep my mind alive with the moments that Zelda has shown me freedom and a weightlessness in my existence that wasn’t there before I held her in my frightened grip. I force myself to take her with me everywhere I go, whether or not I actually use her, but I still find myself in agonizing contemplation over taking her or leaving her hanging on her crowded hook.
I take her from her resting place and sling her across my back like an iron burden. She punctures the world I have pretended to live in for so many years and I feel her pulling me into an isolation that I crave more than I like to admit. How can she be my burden and my protector? How do I resolve this in my head and in my heart? What will I do when I no longer have Tamar to lean on?