Last night, Joe and I were watching a BBC show about the history of some of the most famous and influential castles in England. We love these kinds of programs and I have felt a connection to that part of the world since I was a little girl. Every time we watch any British TV, I am filled with a longing to be in the clutches of such rich history and beautiful landscapes. I feel the connection in my bones.
I was born in America, but I have never felt any particular allegiance to being American. I haven’t always felt ashamed, as I do now; but I never felt proud of my country. America has always felt vapid to me; decked out in the trappings of ego and superiority, but empty inside. It has always seemed to be that America has a persona, but no character or personality. I am probably afflicted with a narrow view (literally, but in this case I mean figuratively), because I have always been convinced that I was supposed to be born in Europe but got cheated by being landed in the good old USA.
So anyway, Joe and I are watching this show and the historian is walking around Dover, talking about it’s amazing history and showing us the intricacies of the castle. As usual, I am watching in awe and also a bit of envy; this guy gets to walk around an amazingly beautiful and historic place, while I get to look out my window at the perils of Hollywood. There is something seriously wrong with this picture.
Last night, I was feeling my usual awe and envy, but then I started to feel a sense of urgency. What if I never get to see any of the places I have dreamed about? What if, by the time we can scrape up the money and the time to get there, I have lost too much of my vision to be able to take in the scenery? What if a lifetime of longing gets washed away in the darkness of RP?
I think that bringing Zelda into my life has made me feel this sense of urgency in a new way. I better hurry the fuck up, or Hollywood out my window may be the last thing I see. I tried to imagine myself at the Tower of London (another Castle he talked about) with Zelda and it didn’t feel right. It isn’t how I was supposed to experience things, with partial sight and a long white cane.
I knew that I was having one of those moments I sometimes have, where I feel claustrophobic in my blindness and all I want to do is escape my skin and feel like a whole person. I feel shackled by RP, static in darkness.
Perhaps I shouldn’t write about these episodes, but I do it because it is all part of the experience. There are days when forging ahead seems impossible and I feel deprived and lonely. There are moments I feel I would give anything to have never even heard of RP; and if I pretend these moments don’t exist, I am not being honest with myself or those I love. If I edit out these feelings from my blog, then I am not telling the whole story, the true story.