Last night, Joe and I were watching a BBC show about the history of some of the most famous and influential castles in England. We love these kinds of programs and I have felt a connection to that part of the world since I was a little girl. Every time we watch any British TV, I am filled with a longing to be in the clutches of such rich history and beautiful landscapes. I feel the connection in my bones.
I was born in America, but I have never felt any particular allegiance to being American. I haven’t always felt ashamed, as I do now; but I never felt proud of my country. America has always felt vapid to me; decked out in the trappings of ego and superiority, but empty inside. It has always seemed to be that America has a persona, but no character or personality. I am probably afflicted with a narrow view (literally, but in this case I mean figuratively), because I have always been convinced that I was supposed to be born in Europe but got cheated by being landed in the good old USA.
So anyway, Joe and I are watching this show and the historian is walking around Dover, talking about it’s amazing history and showing us the intricacies of the castle. As usual, I am watching in awe and also a bit of envy; this guy gets to walk around an amazingly beautiful and historic place, while I get to look out my window at the perils of Hollywood. There is something seriously wrong with this picture.
Last night, I was feeling my usual awe and envy, but then I started to feel a sense of urgency. What if I never get to see any of the places I have dreamed about? What if, by the time we can scrape up the money and the time to get there, I have lost too much of my vision to be able to take in the scenery? What if a lifetime of longing gets washed away in the darkness of RP?
I think that bringing Zelda into my life has made me feel this sense of urgency in a new way. I better hurry the fuck up, or Hollywood out my window may be the last thing I see. I tried to imagine myself at the Tower of London (another Castle he talked about) with Zelda and it didn’t feel right. It isn’t how I was supposed to experience things, with partial sight and a long white cane.
I knew that I was having one of those moments I sometimes have, where I feel claustrophobic in my blindness and all I want to do is escape my skin and feel like a whole person. I feel shackled by RP, static in darkness.
Perhaps I shouldn’t write about these episodes, but I do it because it is all part of the experience. There are days when forging ahead seems impossible and I feel deprived and lonely. There are moments I feel I would give anything to have never even heard of RP; and if I pretend these moments don’t exist, I am not being honest with myself or those I love. If I edit out these feelings from my blog, then I am not telling the whole story, the true story.
August 27, 2017 at 8:46 am
I wonder whether others understand how much growing disability is as source of motivation and even desperation for those of us it touches. Always the need to be alive and engaged, and the sense that time is indeed limited.
September 2, 2017 at 7:44 am
Thank you so much for sharing these episodes. My son too feels the same some time and more importantly I think most people do. Regards.
May 20, 2019 at 7:42 am
Now that I’m older (65) I get that feeling that there are some things that are just going to pass me by. When I visit a place now I reflect on how I would like to go back but realize that I may not get the chance. Cora and I are pretty much timed out on some things that I would like to do.
Our situations are different of course and in writing this comment I feel like I might be trivializing yours.
As for America, well, I’m done. My degree is in American History and I’ve recently come to realize that all of the books on history and politics in my little library are largely chronicles of greed and violence. I’ve come to the decision to pare down the collection and donate most of the books.
May 20, 2019 at 9:01 am
You are not trivializing at all. It sounds strange perhaps, but now that I am 50 I feel like my priorities are changing, that the important thing is that no matter what I see or where I go, I do it with Joe and I am grateful for that. I am not being very articulate today, but I hope my feeling are still coming through.