I have been away, under the skin of darkness. I intended to bring along pen and paper, do a bit of blood-letting, record my thoughts; instead, I brought a bottle, numbed out and dreamed of becoming someone else. I curled up against the edges of my eyes and saw things I knew were lies, but I didn’t care. I forgot about plotting my escape and let the stillness eat me up.
I relish in the motion of disappearance, crave it, seek it out like sustenance. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I retreat with big plans, ideas of productivity, but who is to say that sinking into darkness is wholly unproductive? I learn from the dark, discover things beneath it that give a rhythm of truth to my pulse. Disappearing into darkness is a luxury, a gift I have been afforded by blindness and the sting of ailments that have trailed across my heart. In darkness I see the meaning of loss, and so the meaning of love.
Each time I retreat, my hope is to re-emerge with a sense of renewal, a feeling of having reattached all that had come loose under the glare of the lights. I know this is impossible, perhaps unnecessary. It is the broken pieces that make me whole. In the act of sinking, I find ways to escape who I feel I am meant to be, and look more closely at who I really am. And then I shed her. I leave the noise of her behind and become the silence.
At once, I escape the confines of my mind and face the construct of deceit that plagues me. Is it true then, that I am the deceit? Is is true that I am the darkness? Am I actually who I am and who I think I am meant to be? Does it matter? Probably not. The darkness is just a place I like to retreat into, a place that has become warm and less frightening than the light. I wish I was deeper, that I could come back and say I had discovered something profound, or at least had a profound thought. The truth is, every time I disappear, the only thing I really find is that I am indeed just human.
October 2, 2018 at 2:00 pm
Fabulous!!
October 2, 2018 at 2:40 pm
Thank you Bill!!!
October 2, 2018 at 2:52 pm
My pleasure!
October 2, 2018 at 2:53 pm
It was so lovely to get back to you poetry today, Bill!
October 2, 2018 at 2:53 pm
So glad to hear from you again Susan. Hope you’re well!
October 4, 2018 at 6:51 am
Yes, totally agree with Bill. Your prose-poetry is very beautiful, poignant and reflective, Susan. You pose the greatest questions of the being in the world. In this respect, this is an existentialist text, philosophical and poetic. You deal with the real search for identity and for the purpose of living in the darkness that allows you to see the light, even though that may sound controversial. I absolutely love it. Lines like this are very powerful: “It is the broken pieces that make me whole.”
October 4, 2018 at 7:21 am
Thank you so much, Marta. You are always so kind and you always see exactly where I am coming from. We are all such contradictions by nature, but there is immense beauty in that, I think. By the way, your poem this morning is so incredibly beautiful!
October 4, 2018 at 7:24 am
Thank you so much. I am glad you like it that much. This is very encouraging, Susan.
October 2, 2018 at 2:07 pm
Indeed. A complex one with her fears, doubts, dilemmas, paradoxes and different ways of seeing light in darkess and vice versa.
You’ve gone to great lengths to come to grips with darkness. Now u need to work out the light.
October 2, 2018 at 2:45 pm
Oddly, that is what I think I am doing. It is as if somehow, I am learning that they are one and the same, or perhaps void without each other. It is a process. I have been exploring the idea lately, in my poetry, of how we are all steeped in both light and darkness, that the two make up our humanity and that there is not one place to fear and another to covet. Like darkness and light, we are all simple and complex. Perhaps too heady for a Tuesday afternoon. Ha!
October 2, 2018 at 3:30 pm
It’s never too heady. And it all makes perfect sense.
October 2, 2018 at 3:07 pm
Amazing writing. This is one of those pieces where I think, ‘Damn, I wish I could write like that!’ Powerful and proud.
October 2, 2018 at 4:05 pm
Thank you so much, Steven! You are lovely! And, trust me, your writing far surpasses this!
October 3, 2018 at 5:10 am
I wouldn’t say that, but thank you, that’s kind.
October 2, 2018 at 4:41 pm
Amazing writing, Susan. I find your work totally absorbing. Happy Wednesday.
October 2, 2018 at 8:12 pm
Thank you so much, Steve! Happy Wednesday my friend! You always make me smile. Looking forward to your return to TLT!
October 2, 2018 at 5:24 pm
“… I shed her.” Just remember to visit her… reserve some time with her and rest in the dark, because the dark can be many things. Excellent, Susan. Just absolutely excellent writing! ~Kim
October 2, 2018 at 8:03 pm
So much love, Kim. Welcome back my friend.
October 2, 2018 at 5:52 pm
❤
October 2, 2018 at 8:03 pm
Thank you❤️
October 3, 2018 at 4:47 am
🌹
October 3, 2018 at 5:08 am
I personally think you are so much greater than the darkness but being able to take refuge there is healthy. ❤
October 3, 2018 at 6:41 am
Thank you my friend! I hope you are doing well. Sending so much love you way!
October 3, 2018 at 6:52 pm
I had a very tough day yesterday and I was thinking so much of what you wrote about dark and light. I was also thinking of the yin yang symbol with some dark in the light and light in the dark. I love your beautiful soul… I believe you are made of both as well as the very unique essence of Susan who is precious beyond words. Much love right back at you ❤ <3<3
October 4, 2018 at 6:25 am
I am sorry you had a tough day and hope you can find a little peace today, or at least some moments to rest and take care of you. You have an extraordinary heart and I am so grateful to know you. Thank you for always being so kind, for being exactly you.
October 4, 2018 at 6:05 pm
Wow that really made me cry and touched me today. Thank you so much. I appreciate you very much. ❤
October 5, 2018 at 6:53 am
The feeling is mutual! Much love!
October 3, 2018 at 6:03 am
Oh Sister, I truly identify with this. Powerful post. ❤️
October 3, 2018 at 6:42 am
Thank you! I knew you would totally get it. Love you!
October 3, 2018 at 6:57 am
I love right back ❤️. I do find it necessary, at times, to sit in my own darkness and remember the lessons learned.
October 3, 2018 at 7:12 am
Absolutely; there is a necessity in it for some of us. I think it is a good thing, a vital thing at times and I knew you would understand that as well. Sometimes I can get a bit scattered in these stream of consciousness posts, but I am so glad it came through for you!
October 3, 2018 at 7:14 am
You made perfect sense to me. Then again, I’m not the brightest bulb in the box 😂
October 3, 2018 at 7:17 am
Me either, sister…..but, brightens is overrated!
October 3, 2018 at 7:22 am
Lol!
October 3, 2018 at 8:41 am
I love it when you write about these struggles and dilemmas with such honesty. You are great, Susan!
October 3, 2018 at 9:06 am
Thank you so much, my friend! I have missed you!
October 3, 2018 at 9:34 am
Me too!
October 3, 2018 at 10:53 pm
As someone not guilty,
apparently, once said …
“I’m only human, so
don’t put the blame on me”.
October 5, 2018 at 6:53 am
We all have a blanket of darkness covering us. Some of us hide it better than others.
October 5, 2018 at 7:46 am
Yes. Absolutely.
October 8, 2018 at 9:09 am
Gorgeous—without the darkness we would never know light😊
October 8, 2018 at 9:14 am
Thank you, Suzanne!!!!
October 12, 2018 at 4:19 pm
We are all “just human” dear friend. It is your humanness that make you the kind, beautiful, sincere and talented poet and writer that you are. In the words of Mr. William Joel, “don’t go changing to try to please us… we love you just the way you are.” 🙂
October 13, 2018 at 6:42 am
You have brightened my morning, Walt! Thank you, as ever, for your love and kindness.
October 13, 2018 at 10:51 am
The pleasure is all mine my dear ☺
October 16, 2018 at 9:35 am
Yes, we all are human with all our plus and minus points. I am glad for those minus points, perfection would be horrible. Regards
October 16, 2018 at 3:33 pm
I completely agree, Lakshmi. Horrible and terribly boring. Thank you!
November 8, 2018 at 9:59 am
All I can say is that I relate so much to this. 💜
November 9, 2018 at 7:32 am
I think that you and I have so many similarities on our paths, Angela. It is good to feel not so alone.
November 9, 2018 at 8:42 am
Seems so, and it absolutely is. Thank you! 💜
October 2, 2018 at 8:05 pm
Wulf, you Amazing Wonderful Man! Thank you so much. I missed you, my friend!