I feel sad. It sounds so simple, weighs so much. I have watched the world crumble so many times, watched the people I love suffer and fade. I have pretended the ground is solid, to help others feel less afraid. I hide emptiness in the pit of my throat and weave rage into the air around me. Sometimes it is easier to feel anger than to feel despair.
I have thought a lot about writing about the current shattering of things, but I can’t. It isn’t my intention to be cryptic. I am just not ready or able to write about what is going on, not with clarity anyway. It is as if my sadness has drained the ink from my pen and the energy from my fingers. I am escaping into the bottle more and more, but it is failing as an elixir. I no longer hear it’s lies. I am not depressed. This shattering isn’t about me. I am a witness and helpless.
For years, I have been watching an unravelling, tried to stitch pieces back into place, to salvage some of what was, while being demoralized and damaged by someone who has no ability to look or listen or feel compassion. I wake up every day filled with anger toward her, end each day enraged by her inability to be patient or kind, about her prolific lies that stain my character. I have to consider that it is easier to focus on being angry at her than being sad about what is putting me in her line of fire.
I am afraid that if I write about the textures of this sadness, it will become real in ways I am not ready to have revealed. I am afraid that in trying to help, I am failing someone I love. I am afraid that I am doing it all wrong. I am afraid that I won’t be able to bear the weight of it all.
April 12, 2019 at 9:13 am
We’ll be ready to read and listen when you are ready to share. Hang in there!
April 12, 2019 at 9:16 am
Thank you, Steve!
I saw you have posted another installment to The Waiting Room! I probably can’t read it until tomorrow, but I am so looking forward to it!
April 12, 2019 at 10:28 am
There is no right way to deal with pain & sadness, there is just dealing. This you do admirably!
April 12, 2019 at 4:20 pm
I couldn’t do it at all without you, my love!
April 12, 2019 at 10:37 am
I feel all that- anger, despair, sadness…I feel I’m failing myself most because I know I’m better than that.
I’ll be here to listen, any time, whenever you’re ready. Love you, hon. So much.
April 12, 2019 at 4:21 pm
Thank you, Gorgeous! So much love to you, B!
April 12, 2019 at 10:38 am
I won’t offer you any bullshit clichés. You’ll move at whatever pace is good for you and process it however is best for you. Always here if you need a friend to lean on.
You said, ‘I am afraid that in trying to help, I am failing someone I love.’ Don’t forget YOU matter, too.
So much love to you, Susan! 💜
April 12, 2019 at 4:22 pm
Thank you, Angela, so much! I am so grateful for your love, kindness and support. xo
April 12, 2019 at 4:43 pm
You’re so welcome, it’s my pleasure. 💜
April 12, 2019 at 10:42 am
Always here and I support you fully. It is really something I hope you can finally do, write it out, because it is very healing and therapuetic.
April 12, 2019 at 4:23 pm
Thank you, so much! I know it will be incredibly cathartic when I am ready to find the words.
April 12, 2019 at 11:04 am
I have those same feelings dear friend, but directed at myself not at someone else. I am angry with myself for feeling like crap all the time. I am disgusted and ready to just say fuck it. I am so fucking tired of feeling like this.
April 12, 2019 at 4:24 pm
I feel that pain, Walt! I am angry at this person in my life, but so much angrier at myself. I am sorry you are suffering, my friend. Big hugs to you!
April 12, 2019 at 9:00 pm
Thanks Susan. I’m just tired and discouraged.
April 12, 2019 at 12:51 pm
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but, whatever it is, you know best how to deal with it. If being cryptic, if not talking about it, is what works then that’s what you should do. Whatever it is, though, I hope it gets better soon.
April 12, 2019 at 4:26 pm
Thank you for this, Christopher. I so often feel as if no one trusts me to deal with things, so it means more than you know, to hear the opposite. You are, as ever supportive and kind and I am grateful!
April 12, 2019 at 2:03 pm
Oh Susan, I can feel your pain through the words you’ve written above! I wish I could take some of it from you. Like the others here, when you are ready, we are here ready to listen.
April 12, 2019 at 4:28 pm
Thank you so much, Carrie Ann. I know you understand this kind of pain so keenly. I am grateful for your kindness and caring.
April 12, 2019 at 3:36 pm
I feel this crushing pain. My eyes are filled with tears. I am loving you from far away. Xoxo
April 12, 2019 at 4:29 pm
I am so grateful for our friendship, Elisa! You are love and light, my friend. Thank you!
April 12, 2019 at 9:07 pm
I think we’re the strongest when we realize our weaknesses and what pains us because we then learn to conquer them. Whatever it is, I know you will pull through. Im sending good vibes your way. May the goddess be by your side 💜
April 13, 2019 at 5:56 am
Thank you, so much!!!!
April 12, 2019 at 9:28 pm
I don’t have the words to express to you my sorrow and yet a firm belief that you’ll pull out of this. As you well know I’ve been playing catch-up with your blog, starting from the first post and working forward. But I’ve cheated lately because your latest posts have concerned me. I pray for your happiness.
April 13, 2019 at 5:58 am
Thank you so much, Paulie! I will be ok, truly. I have had to step into new normals so many times, because of loss and tragedy, so I am pretty adept at it. I am aware of my own readiness, if that makes sense. I am grateful for your support and your prayers!
April 13, 2019 at 1:09 am
Honestly the rooms of AA are full of people who cop this kind of uncaring BS from others and seek relief in the bottle. Its not fair you should suffer due to someone else’s shallowness. You are FAR TOO GOOD FOR THAT. Sorry to be blunt and brutal but hand that pain over to some power outside of you Its far too much for a sensitive vulnerable human being to carry. Hugs and love ❤
April 13, 2019 at 6:02 am
Thank you, my friend….and you never have to apologize for being blunt here. You are such a caring and loving person. I have reached out to someone who is much better equipped to deal with this person than I am, who isn’t damaged or demoralized by her. I have often felt I have to take care of everything on my own, in order to be a good and valuable person, but I have had to embrace the fact that different people have different skills and strengths that all have value. Thank you, as ever, for your care and support. xo
April 13, 2019 at 7:59 pm
Thats fantastic Susan..what a brilliant solution. Im a lot like you..Asking for help is brave and wise.. Bug hugs Hope you find some well deserved relief from the ither persons angst. Xox
April 14, 2019 at 7:49 am
Thank you, so so much!!!! xoxo
April 15, 2019 at 6:06 am
I hear you. Look after yourSELF, if you can, Susan. I sometimes feel that I am absolutely annihalated by the person I live with. Crushed. Not even a person. I could not write about it if I tried, so I KNOW how you feel. I want to use the word “fuck” over and ober and over again. To write my TRUE feelings, but thenpain of it would hurt too much, and anyway, that is not what my Blog is about. But believe me, I understand. Rooting for you Susan. You have SO MUCH support here. I wish I had the same. But maybe the way I write doesn’t say what I need to say. Uch much love to you Susan xoxoxo
April 15, 2019 at 8:30 am
You write powerfully and beautifully, Lorraine. I feel all the love that is here for you, all the support and admiration. You are a remarkable woman. And, your blog belongs to you, so you can say fuck all you want to!!!!!
April 13, 2019 at 5:33 am
release the hounds!
we all know those sounds
Lisa writes demi semi porn
married twenty seven years
and she still want s to fuck
wrecker
dawn is a romantic
too but like
you is slowly going
blind up omaha
way twin sons
and husbAND rick
now then susie aint that thick!
ha ha ha
write it
April 13, 2019 at 6:03 am
Thank you, John!!!!
April 13, 2019 at 8:06 am
yw we all have shit and fun and giggles. be well always.
April 13, 2019 at 11:42 am
I don’t know who this person is but she doesn’t deserve you. Hugs to you.
April 13, 2019 at 11:53 am
You are, as ever, so wonderful! Thank you! xoxo
April 14, 2019 at 5:35 am
I know. I know that feeling. Could you bear it if you faced it? Would a confrontation make things better or worse? Can you just drink it away??? (It worked for awhile but stopped.) Why? Why? Why? Does life have to be this sad, hard, confrontational? Why? In the end, it is not anger that breaks us, it is the sadness. Love you Susan. xoxo~k.
April 14, 2019 at 7:51 am
Every word of this has passed through my mind again and again, KIm. Thank you for always being so wonderful and supportive! It is nice to see you back!!!
April 14, 2019 at 9:20 am
I have missed you lady! 💜💜💜
April 20, 2019 at 7:40 am
Whatever is happening around please try not to escape into the bottle. It will control you and life will become miserable. You are always in my prayers. Regards
April 20, 2019 at 7:43 am
Thank you, Lakshmi, so much. I am working hard on finding other ways to deal with the stress and I feel positive about being able to succeed. I appreciate your care and support more than you know.
April 21, 2019 at 2:15 am
Can’t bring myself to ‘like’ this post, though we often do that as acknowledgement it’s been read. I hope you find your way through that isn’t detrimental to yourself. Sounds like you’ve handed some of the responsibility over so hope that takes some pressure off. You aren’t responsible for other people’s actions and choices. As always, you are acutely aware of your own situation, having a handle on where you’re at is the way to win any battle 😉
April 21, 2019 at 7:26 am
Thank you! I am so grateful for all of your support and kindness!!! You really are super wonderful!!!