I touched briefly yesterday on the idea of trying to create balance in my life, shaping the time I have in ways that let light in from all directions. I have never been good at this, but if I don’t figure out a way to make it happen, I am afraid the walls I build will become so thick, I will be trapped in the gaze of a single light that pushes possibility and experience into complete darkness.
I have written in the past about stepping back from my blog and Word Press, with the idea of detaching myself completely in order to focus on my poetry, enabling myself to return with renewed energy. This doesn’t work. I have a history of immersing myself in things, healthy and unhealthy, to the point of neglect. Whenever I step away, I always return and pick up the same bad habits. If I am blogging, my poetry suffers, and if I am working on my poetry, I feel like I don’t have any energy for Word Press. This is where the balance thing comes in.
I have met so many incredible people in this virtual world; people who inspire me, teach me, push me and raise me up. I feel grateful for this experience every day. I know how lucky I am to be a part of something so special. But, I have allowed myself to get swallowed up by it. That is what I do. I need to figure out a way to fit things together, make room for all the pieces.
I am so disconnected from the roots of my life. This is a life long pattern. I am all in or all out. I ignore the whole picture of my life, allow myself to get invested in just one color. It is a web I must unweave. I have stopped taking care of my body and my home and my husband. I am off kilter and cant’ feel the blood beneath my skin. I am afraid that if I don’t create this balance I so desperately need, I will wake up one day having completely erased who I am.
I am not leaving Word Press; that would be the all in or all out thing again. I am just re-assessing, figuring out how to see all the pieces of my life and how to connect them in a way that is healthy for me. I have to invest in myself or the neglect is going to shatter me.
I am determined to find space for everything, to stop giving myself over to just one thing, whatever it might be. I have so often loved something and lost myself in the process, and I need to make the changes so I can discover what this whole balance thing feels like .
I feel a little strange writing this. Who gives a shit if I stay or go. But I suppose this is my way of saying that although I won’t be commenting like I have or engaging in the same ways, I am still reading and grateful for all of the many talented writers I have met here.
I will be around, just not as much. I need to look at the whole path. I need to blog and hike and write poetry and go out with my husband and see my family and my friends. I need to live, or I will find myself out of ink, with nothing to write about. I need to look up every so often and remember that a whole life is there if I can find the courage to see it and mold it into what feels right for me. I need to find a way to believe that I matter and that my life has value, even when I stumble at every turn and can’t be the person who is always there for everyone else. I need to be ok with sometimes being there just for me.