I feel hollow, as if the pulp of my heart has been scooped out and its shell stripped of texture and color. I have lost poetry, misplaced language. Or perhaps I have siphoned out everything I had to give and now it is time to recognize that the glimmers of my words have been luck, and that my luck has run out.
This isn’t about self-doubt. It is a sky of words that has gone dark, a bloodless tongue. I have searched for passion, brushing the tips of my fingers against a dream that was never meant to be mine.
This isn’t depression. It is about groping for the shapes I believed must live beyond blindness and finding only a breathless emptiness. It is about being lost, and losing, and the inability to see through the barriers I created to make me feel as if I had substance .
This isn’t about silence. It is about an assault of noise that uncovers the lies stitched beneath my skin. Sight and taste and touch are incarcerated in the definition of one single note, a note that tells me I have no more words to give. I may want to be a scream, but I am barely a whisper. I have been molded into a static hum of grief and blindness, unable to stretch beyond its boundaries, to find the words that color the other dimensions of being alive.
This isn’t about giving up. I have given and I am emptied out. The landscape has been burned to its bones, the poems I had hoped for lay brittle in the palm of defeat. I close my eyes to escape the plague of nothingness.
Stories From the Edge of Blindness 
January 28, 2019 at 10:25 am
give me blue skies
and do not ask why
January 28, 2019 at 10:33 am
I Love this, John! It’s perfect. Thank you.
January 28, 2019 at 10:45 am
yw hello Susan happy monday!
January 28, 2019 at 10:30 am
Ugh. I liked this because it’s beautiful. But I think there are seasons and I believe that poetry is woven into the fabric of Susan’s soul. This light will regenerate in time. I say, lay brittle and dry and wait for the rain. But please don’t think it’s never going to rain again, Beloved Friend. The rain will come. And your poetry will flow again. In the meantime, we will wait with you and celebrate everything you have written, every word that has so moved us. We will wait for the rain together. xoe
January 28, 2019 at 10:37 am
actually i say lie rather than lay (;
January 28, 2019 at 10:40 am
The whole lay lie thing has never stuck with me; I always just guess and hope I get it right. Ha!
January 28, 2019 at 10:38 am
Thank you, my friend. I am so grateful for all of the support and encouragement you give me, always with such love and grace. I appreciate your faith in me. I just feel the finality of things this time and I am grieving the fleeting nature of my poetry, but at the same time grateful for what it has given me and what it will continue to give me when I read the poems of other writers I love; writers like you. I am lucky to have you in my world!
January 28, 2019 at 10:43 am
This sounds like a perfect poem to me.
That’s what writing is about. We run out of inspiration only to find it again. It’s good to be a whisper at times. Don’t chase it away. Embrace it.
What I’d do is read others. Sometimes a single word is enough to get our words back.
January 28, 2019 at 10:49 am
I hear you, Gorgeous Lady, I do. But, it feels different this time. I read something so incredibly beautiful this morning, something that moved me beyond words, and somehow I knew that I had seen my own depths and it was time to climb out of the water, to embrace the love I have for the words of others and let my own be what they have been and what they cannot be again. Perhaps it will be temporary, but I feel a finality in it that I have never felt before. Not everything is meant to last a lifetime. I will be happy as long as I get to keep reading poetry….so keep writing those gorgeous poems!!!!
January 28, 2019 at 10:55 am
Of course it’s temporary. I know it, though you don’t, and it’s ok.
Sometimes it takes longer, however we might feel.
You can find the links to two extraordinary stories I read today on tweeter. Make sure you don’t miss them.
January 28, 2019 at 11:22 am
Thank you, Gorgeous! I will definitely check them out.
January 29, 2019 at 2:40 am
I couldn’t possibly say it better than Bojana. I believe it’s temporary. Perhaps it’s acceptance? Acceptance that you won’t live up to some expectation you had built for yourself (potentially unrealistic ones). I’m suggesting that from experience, so I may be way off base. But I believe that’s the path to finding a balance that makes us feel good. You are doing that, I believe.
January 29, 2019 at 3:05 am
I was like Susan once, putting too much pressure on myself. I’ve learned, I believe, that silence means regaining strength, taking some time for myself. Sometimes I’m very productive, writing like crazy, other times, these breaks may take months. Maybe it doesn’t look like that on my blog, but that’s the truth. When I write more, I save my writing for the time when I’d rather just read, relax and live more.
Writing can be not only time- but also energy-consuming, and is a pretty solitary activity. However much I enjoy it, I at times forget there’s an actual life waiting for me out there. Then I know it’s time to take a break. So, I at times sink into my silence on purpose. Whatever the case, it’s mandatory.
But ever since I went back to writing, I never once thought…hell, what now. I’m not inspired…because I know it’s normal, it’s a process. Writing is not a job you just sit down and do. That’s why it’s so unique, so precious when inspiration finds us.
The bottom line, girls, is we ARE writers, whether we want to admit it or not. When we doubt, there are others to remind us and so many people who we hold in high regard cannot be wrong.
January 29, 2019 at 3:15 am
I’m very much the same, Bojana! And I very much agree. 💜
January 29, 2019 at 3:39 am
I watched an amazing Spanish film on Netflix the other day – El autor, I think the English translation is The Motive, about a guy whose biggest wish is to be a writer so he goes to the creative writing class but is still mediocre. There’s a great scene when his teacher screams at him before the whole class, saying – what is this? You call this writing? Get inspired. Well, the guy says, I read a lot. And the teacher goes – Books are there to be read. Go out there and live your life, observe, listen, tell me how much you hate me, just find your inspiration.
January 29, 2019 at 3:55 am
Oh, wow….that’s exactly it!! We need to look up from the pages and screens live, too. I think writing can become lonely and melancholy if we allow it. I’ll have to look for that movie, Bojana. Thank you so much for sharing!! 💜
January 29, 2019 at 3:58 am
Please do. Now there are a lot of funny moments. He’s so ambitious that he starts to cause conflicts around him so as to write about them.
There Susan, that’s the key. Make people around you miserable and you’re be more than inspired. 🙂 💜
January 29, 2019 at 4:00 am
Hahaha!!!😂
January 29, 2019 at 6:25 am
All of this rings so true to me, B; places I have been so many times and feelings I have had. I have been doing this for a long time, gone through so many periods of silence, some of them reflective, others chaotic. I have felt the roots of my pulse in the words, but there is a tearing now that leaves me grieving. It isn’t a lack of inspiration, more a fading of heart. Or perhaps it is fear, as it has so often been. Maybe it is laziness, which I have been guilty of more times than I can count. I don’t know what is happening now, or why, but I do know that I am grateful for you, for your words and your strength and your beautiful heart.
January 29, 2019 at 6:33 am
As I am for yours.
Fear definitely has its part there, though we may not see it at first. Besides, we crave readership, respect, compliments…
You’ll get there. Give yourself some time.
Why don’t you try diverting your attention to short fiction for a change and see what happens?
January 29, 2019 at 6:15 am
Thank you, my friend! I truly hope so. I am without direction right now, and feeling more grief than emptiness, when I think about writing. It is strange. But, I am so grateful for you, your heart and your wisdom!
January 29, 2019 at 6:40 am
You’re so welcome!
January 28, 2019 at 11:10 am
I don’t see it, since all I see is poetry in your every chosen word. I think Bojana is right, completely temporary (if you want it to be!). In the meantime, enjoy the break; there is good in everything, I say. 🙂
January 28, 2019 at 11:26 am
You are beyond wonderful, Tom! Thank you! I am having such a sense of finality, but perhaps what I really needed, without knowing it, was a mass therapy session from our awesome community!!! Or perhaps I am projecting feelings from other parts of my life. All I know is that for now, the feeling is what it is. But, I love that you remind me that I have choices.
January 28, 2019 at 11:29 am
Always!
January 28, 2019 at 11:56 am
Beautifully, poetically written. What irony.
Those ladies (muses) will visit the mind and use the heart until all blood is let.
When you close the door long enough, they will begin to knock constantly and occasionally break it down.
Still, they cannot come in unless invited.
Who of us know you Susan? Who of us know your every day struggle? Your biographical essays if linear would form a very personal dissertation. In this latest installment I am finding strength in the embracing of perceptible weakness. It’s not about needing rescue…or encouragement, or flattery.
A wise man once said (paraphrase) that a seed will only remain a seed until it dies (of its former self) and only after that can it grow and produce fruit.
I know. It’s not about needing sage advice. However we can only bring the the table what little we have to offer.
January 28, 2019 at 12:55 pm
Oh Mark, this is very moving. You are poetry, my friend! And, your sage advice is always welcome. Thank you for getting it, for seeing.
January 28, 2019 at 1:37 pm
You may not realize this, but these confessional/self-reflective pieces you write are just as beautiful and important as you poetry. In my opinion.
January 28, 2019 at 1:44 pm
Thank you, River! This means so much; you know how inspired I am by your writing.
I have been feeling strange, not just a sense of blankness when it comes to the poetry, but grief. I don’t know what it means. Perhaps my posting these things is impulsive, but it is what I do, so I am grateful you see beauty in it. You are a light in my day, my friend. Truly.
January 28, 2019 at 2:20 pm
❤️
January 28, 2019 at 2:33 pm
After scrolling through this comment section, I fear that there’s not much I can say that hasn’t already been said; but I’ll say it nonetheless!!
I know how you feel. I often describe myself as a factory: my chimneys being my creative outlets (music, poetry, art, etc) – which all get blocked up, one by one, and for a while I’m lost in a miserable darkness.
But the light always gets back in somehow.
So don’t worry. I read a quote today that said “being an author is pathological”, and the same can surely be said for poetry. Even in your despair you cannot fail to be poetic, as this post shows.
Your inspiration will come back with a vengeance, I promise, and it will make it all the more precious.
Don’t lose hope ❤
(God, I sound so stuffy!!! Basically I'm saying, DON'T GIVE UP BECAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING!!!!)
January 29, 2019 at 6:03 am
You are wonderful! I love everything you said here. Thank you so much, for your kindness and encouragement!
January 29, 2019 at 6:05 am
You’re very welcome! You deserve all the kindness anyone can give you 🙂
January 29, 2019 at 9:39 am
This is SO true.
January 30, 2019 at 6:32 am
I truly am overwhelmed and so touched by everything you have written; it helps me look in a new direction, shines a light.
January 30, 2019 at 9:51 am
^ ^ ❤
January 28, 2019 at 3:57 pm
I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I do know that grief does some very strange things to us. There is so much beauty and poetry even in what you’ve written here, so I’m guessing this is temporary. I don’t know what the outcome of this will be for you, but either way, you have many appreciative readers who will celebrate what you’ve already created, and I’m always here if you need a friendly ear.
January 29, 2019 at 6:05 am
Thank you so much!!! You have brought something beautiful into my morning!
January 28, 2019 at 4:23 pm
I think that all creative people are plagued — tormented, even — by self-doubt and despair. When it’s alive in us, it’s so vibrant and astonishing, that its absence wounds the heart. But I think the truly creative know when the muse of words (or music, paint, dance, or architecture) is ready, we fall in love with it again. Your passion for your words, even when you it think has left you, is still evident by your mourning for it. You can’t miss something without first loving it. 🙂
January 29, 2019 at 6:07 am
Oh Steven, you are poetry and wisdom, my friend. I am going to remember these words. I feel so lost right now, but your guidance is as ever, a light in my world. Thank you!
January 29, 2019 at 4:04 pm
You’re so welcome. I’ve been there so many times, but the muse always remembers to come back, usually unexpected. 🙂
January 28, 2019 at 5:37 pm
All I can say in my inept way, is that I feel so blessed to have found you. Your poetry, your honesty deserves more than a simple thank you, yet it is all I can give.But I feel that gratitude soul deep. I learn, I heal, I grow because I read your words and because you reach the truest parts of my being. This is so beautiful,raw,real and powerful.Thank you ❤ xxx
January 29, 2019 at 6:12 am
Trizia, I read this last night and was so overwhelmed by emotion, I had to wait until this morning to respond. There is nothing inept about what you have said here. You have given me the greatest gift. I realized in reading your words, in seeing the bravery and light of your heart, that if this post is the last thing I ever write, then I have done something amazing, because I have touched your soul. That is why I write, to help others in any way I can, and in expressing all of this to me, you give me a vital sense of purpose. I feel so much love and gratitude for you. To say thank you seems pale, but please know it is given with all of the vibrancy I can give!
January 30, 2019 at 2:43 am
I am sending so much love across the miles hoping you feel it in your Soul from mine ❤ xxx
January 30, 2019 at 6:44 am
I do, Beautiful Lady….more than I can express.
January 29, 2019 at 8:32 am
Susan,
I just made coffee! For you and I. Here…
Now, let’s just sit.
See that deer?! He was a tiny fawn last year! Look! He’s so big now! He’s looking at us. What’s he saying?!
Do you see those paw prints in the snow? No! Not a lynx or a mountain lion! Yes they ARE big. Bigger than my hand. But it’s just a bunny that hopped all the way to the door in the snow last night.
My dog just decided it’s time to go explore! So I just let her out! She’s sniffing like mad! She does this every single time. Never gets boring.
Us humans, Susan, we get bored. We question everything. We fear. We yearn. We grieve and mourn, sometimes..we mourn something that happened to us long time ago. How does one reconcile with that?!
We are complicated. Are we ever?! I can go on and say what people usually follow that by ‘we are also beautiful’! And don’t get me wrong! We ARE! But when lonely?! We struggle! We need ‘others’, to allow our beauty to shine!
This is ‘your’ place Susan! Don’t ever go! Don’t ever think ‘anything’ you put out there isn’t good enough! We need you. You need us. We are all connected. You are not alone.
January 29, 2019 at 11:19 am
I love and adore you Kat! Thank you, my friend. This is so perfect! I am there with you….so peaceful!!!!
January 29, 2019 at 12:35 pm
Love you too Susan! I was just talking to my sister on the phone! Trying to entertain her as she cannot have visitors still! I will try to post a little silly story that (did) happen this past summer, that I shared with her! Just for kicks and to make you laugh
January 30, 2019 at 6:43 am
You are the most wonderful, Kat!!!!
January 29, 2019 at 11:24 am
Kat, I emailed you, but not sure I sent it to the right address. If I did, great. If not, will try again. NO pressure ever about responding.
January 29, 2019 at 12:32 pm
I did not receive it. Here’s the email again:
skyblue.hewitt@gmail.com
January 30, 2019 at 6:41 am
Thank you, Beautiful! I will send you another message!
January 29, 2019 at 9:10 am
Based in what I just finished reading, I don’t think the well is dry at all
January 29, 2019 at 11:20 am
You are the best, Steve!!! Thank you!!!
January 29, 2019 at 9:32 am
Holy god, this is amazing. Pulp of your heart? No one is as visceral. Even in writing about being hollowed out, and having no words, you have ALL the words. Susan, you goddess of poetry, you. ❤️❤️❤️
January 29, 2019 at 11:23 am
Oh Sarah, I Love you! I am so tangled up right now and so grateful to have you in my life. I am picturing a sky filled with what comforts us…makes me feel more at peace.
January 29, 2019 at 9:49 am
Beautiful words by a beautiful woman. Thank you for always being in your raw form, speaking your truth without fear of judgment. I hear you when you say the word, “lost” because I always find myself in that world especially now. We’ll talk more when I see you soon. With love ~A
January 29, 2019 at 11:25 am
I Love you, Lady!!! Can’t wait for our outing!
January 29, 2019 at 11:05 am
Inspiration to write poetry, prose or do art varies. It is as unstable as our self-esteem. You might spend a long period of time without writing as prolifically as before and, one day, all of a sudden, you come out with something again. Stay calm and strong! This piece in itself is beautifully written, prose-poetry.
January 30, 2019 at 6:36 am
Thank you, my friend, so much!!!
January 30, 2019 at 9:12 am
Always my pleasure, dear Susan.
January 29, 2019 at 11:53 am
There is beautiful, raw poetry in your gorgeous prose…my heart nearly stops when I come across beauty like this and I’m left in awe…your words will come…I recently published a poem that I thought would never be born after my father died…we are always creating even if we can’t hear the words just yet.
January 30, 2019 at 6:39 am
You have brought me to tears; I cannot thank you enough for this kindness. I am overwhelmed and grateful. I am so thrilled for you about the poem being published. It took me a long time to write about my Mom after she died, but your words here ring so true….”we are always creating even if we can’t hear the words just yet”. I love this! I would love to read your poem!
January 30, 2019 at 11:02 am
Oops, I should have been more clear, I posted this poem that I thought would never be just last week…I used to submit poetry to magazines as a teenager and got back a lovely bouquet of rejection letters! My poem Maelstrom on my pages did get published in our local newspaper and I was thrilled beyond measure as it was published in print and online! So far, I can only write about my father essay-style, I don’t think I could do him justice with a poem, but one never knows! I hope some poetry starts moving through your heart again soon…
January 31, 2019 at 6:05 am
Your poetry is truly beautiful, and submit or not, I hope you keep writing…or as a beautifully wise writer I know said, “keep breathing”!!!
February 2, 2019 at 1:28 pm
Thank you, this warms my heart!
January 29, 2019 at 11:55 am
I am also in awe of all the beautiful support here on your pages…every comment has touched my heart!
January 30, 2019 at 6:41 am
I feel immensely grateful for this amazing community, for all of the love and support. I have shed many tears in the past few days, feeling so much kindness. I am very lucky.
January 30, 2019 at 10:52 am
Reading beautiful, visceral words is like breathing for some of us and oftentimes we feel this same feeling when we write…we want you to keep on breathing!
January 31, 2019 at 6:04 am
I needed just this beauty this morning. Thank you!
February 2, 2019 at 1:28 pm
My pleasure!
January 30, 2019 at 8:12 am
Take care my friend. Everything in life is transitory and I think we have to learn to accept it and move on.
January 30, 2019 at 8:18 am
I know you are right, Lakshmi. I am trying to just be with this and not push anything. Thank you, as ever, for your kindness and wisdom!
January 30, 2019 at 7:00 pm
Words are weightless, so light that sometimes it’s hard to tell that they’re there. But they are, swirling around in those empty places, waiting for the whirlwind to take them.
January 31, 2019 at 6:06 am
This is pure poetry, Suzanne! So beautiful. Thank you!
February 8, 2019 at 3:05 pm
The well may be empty now, but just wait, it has a way of filling back up to the point it brims and flows over the edges. 🙂
February 9, 2019 at 6:04 am
Thank you Carrie Ann! I needed this more than you know. The morning is feeling a bit empty, but now I look forward to the overflow!