I can wake up in the morning, feeling sleepy but generally ok. And then, everything changes. Everything becomes this…….
Chaos pushes against me like a fist, fences me in, plucks the possibility of serenity from the air. I live in a sea of clutter, so much filth I can’t see the path to a cool patch of undisturbed earth. My eyes ache from the sun, sitting low and menacing in the sky. Every direction I turn is the wrong direction, every reflection screams with the crooked angles of a face that no one could love, a body that has endured so many years of abuse, joints and heart and belly pay the consequences. I want to find joy, but hope is pulled from under me as, again and again, disappointment looms with teeth that have no rival. The darkness always swallows the light and the light has only ever learned to whisper. I don’t recognize myself in the clutter that fills my spaces, my thoughts. I curl up under the blankets, close my eyes to block out the light, but what of the noise? It is the noise that never leaves me, never lets me rest, never loosens its grip. I turn to food. I hate myself for an abhorrent lack of control. This was never who I thought I would be.
I started this blog to write about blindness, but over the years it has become a space for sort of stream of consciousness writing. It is any given moment and how those moments can so easily and painfully change. When I write poetry, I edit to the point of exhaustion, so it is nice to have this place to simply write, to simply be, whatever that means at the time. I am grateful for this space and for all the creative, caring, dynamic, generous and courageous people I have met here. Thank you for changing my life.
March 3, 2024 at 3:57 pm
Oh Susan, how you find the words to articulate such anguish, whilst feeling it with every fibre of yourself, dumbfounds me. What a skill you have. It’s heartbreaking to read but I hope the process is cathartic for you. To be able to name the feelings, to call them out and describe how they affect you, I think that puts you on the winning side of the fight. And I so feel your exhaustion in the fight. Life can grind you down. I know you take much comfort and support from this space here, as do I. Keep using it to purge the pain when it comes and the light will get louder. Take care, Lovely Lady 🙂 xxx
March 3, 2024 at 4:11 pm
Thank you so much, Gwen! You are lovely and good and I am always happy when I see you here and when I read your wonderful blog! xoxo
March 3, 2024 at 6:15 pm
It is a good place to allow yourself to have that stream, and it being a safe place to do so. I am the same with anything I write. Self doubt, when writing, and I edit more than I write these days.
March 3, 2024 at 11:44 pm
Yes, and thank you!!!! One of my goals as a writer is to learn how to just write, but I can only seem to bring that to this space. I need to channel this space when I am working on poems and stories. We are always learning, I suppose.
March 4, 2024 at 5:14 pm
We all are, even published authors.
March 3, 2024 at 7:21 pm
Food has always been my go to comfort as well. I understand much of this, and I am praying for peace for you, even today. Keep kicking!
March 3, 2024 at 11:45 pm
And to you, my friend. Thank you so much!
March 3, 2024 at 7:33 pm
pressure
real and how you feel
diabetic
frenia
no more shades
i welcomed
the removing of my lenses
literally and figuratively
but cold water
and laying upside down
sometimes helps too
March 3, 2024 at 11:46 pm
I welcomed the removing of my lenses….love this, John.
March 3, 2024 at 7:55 pm
Thank you for being in mine:-)
March 3, 2024 at 11:46 pm
I adore you, Lovely Lady. Always!
March 4, 2024 at 12:03 am
❤️
March 4, 2024 at 12:36 pm
This stream of consciousness is a reminder to me of how I began to write, the editing came later, it does not always help the work. These words you have brought to the page from deep within you are stunning, this is truth in writing and what it means to us and how it can erupt and then hopefully, begin to heal.
‘I don’t recognise myself in the clutter that fills my spaces, my thoughts.’
I recognise myself in your words
Your gift of writing is absolutely precious.
March 4, 2024 at 4:54 pm
Oh, Doreen, Thank you so much. I love the ways in which we, as artists and people, can help each other find clarity or see new things. When I sit down to write poetry, it sometimes seems all the feeling goes out of me and I become my critical editor eye, if that makes sense. I also need to remind myself how I began, and why and what made me love writing. I am grateful for our connection and for your beautiful writing.
March 5, 2024 at 3:11 am
I’m so happy I found you, Susan. It doesn’t matter what you write; it always moves and amazes me. Your pain shines brilliantly on the page. If you didn’t write it down, you would rot from the inside out until you ceased to be anything. This avenue of release is your gift and your path to peace and freedom. Don’t ever stop writing. I want you to find happiness and light through your words, and, selfishly, I want to keep reading them. Sending love and hugs, my friend xo
March 5, 2024 at 9:09 am
You always make my day better, my beautiful friend! Since the minute we met here, connected through our writing, you have lifted me up and supported what I do; I am so incredibly grateful we found each other. You remind me to stop and look at the hope, feel the light, remember the capacity of the sky. Love to you, T. Always. xoxoxoxo
March 7, 2024 at 7:08 am
Because it’s a face, soul and poetry that you cannot not love.
March 7, 2024 at 8:09 am
Thank you, Gorgeous Lady!!!! Hugs and Love to you xoxoxoxoxo
March 7, 2024 at 9:54 am
Love you back.