I can wake up in the morning, feeling sleepy but generally ok. And then, everything changes. Everything becomes this…….

Chaos pushes against me like a fist, fences me in, plucks the possibility of serenity from the air. I live in a sea of clutter, so much filth I can’t see the path to a cool patch of undisturbed earth. My eyes ache from the sun, sitting low and menacing in the sky. Every direction I turn is the wrong direction, every reflection screams with the crooked angles of a face that no one could love, a body that has endured so many years of abuse, joints and heart and belly pay the consequences. I want to find joy, but hope is pulled from under me as, again and again, disappointment looms with teeth that have no rival. The darkness always swallows the light and the light has only ever learned to whisper. I don’t recognize myself in the clutter that fills my spaces, my thoughts. I curl up under the blankets, close my eyes to block out the light, but what of the noise? It is the noise that never leaves me, never lets me rest, never loosens its grip. I turn to food. I hate myself for an abhorrent lack of control. This was never who I thought I would be.

I started this blog to write about blindness, but over the years it has become a space for sort of stream of consciousness writing. It is any given moment and how those moments can so easily and painfully change. When I write poetry, I edit to the point of exhaustion, so it is nice to have this place to simply write, to simply be, whatever that means at the time. I am grateful for this space and for all the creative, caring, dynamic, generous and courageous people I have met here. Thank you for changing my life.