I touched briefly yesterday on the idea of trying to create balance in my life, shaping the time I have in ways that let light in from all directions. I have never been good at this, but if I don’t figure out a way to make it happen, I am afraid the walls I build will become so thick, I will be trapped in the gaze of a single light that pushes possibility and experience into complete darkness.
I have written in the past about stepping back from my blog and Word Press, with the idea of detaching myself completely in order to focus on my poetry, enabling myself to return with renewed energy. This doesn’t work. I have a history of immersing myself in things, healthy and unhealthy, to the point of neglect. Whenever I step away, I always return and pick up the same bad habits. If I am blogging, my poetry suffers, and if I am working on my poetry, I feel like I don’t have any energy for Word Press. This is where the balance thing comes in.
I have met so many incredible people in this virtual world; people who inspire me, teach me, push me and raise me up. I feel grateful for this experience every day. I know how lucky I am to be a part of something so special. But, I have allowed myself to get swallowed up by it. That is what I do. I need to figure out a way to fit things together, make room for all the pieces.
I am so disconnected from the roots of my life. This is a life long pattern. I am all in or all out. I ignore the whole picture of my life, allow myself to get invested in just one color. It is a web I must unweave. I have stopped taking care of my body and my home and my husband. I am off kilter and cant’ feel the blood beneath my skin. I am afraid that if I don’t create this balance I so desperately need, I will wake up one day having completely erased who I am.
I am not leaving Word Press; that would be the all in or all out thing again. I am just re-assessing, figuring out how to see all the pieces of my life and how to connect them in a way that is healthy for me. I have to invest in myself or the neglect is going to shatter me.
I am determined to find space for everything, to stop giving myself over to just one thing, whatever it might be. I have so often loved something and lost myself in the process, and I need to make the changes so I can discover what this whole balance thing feels like .
I feel a little strange writing this. Who gives a shit if I stay or go. But I suppose this is my way of saying that although I won’t be commenting like I have or engaging in the same ways, I am still reading and grateful for all of the many talented writers I have met here.
I will be around, just not as much. I need to look at the whole path. I need to blog and hike and write poetry and go out with my husband and see my family and my friends. I need to live, or I will find myself out of ink, with nothing to write about. I need to look up every so often and remember that a whole life is there if I can find the courage to see it and mold it into what feels right for me. I need to find a way to believe that I matter and that my life has value, even when I stumble at every turn and can’t be the person who is always there for everyone else. I need to be ok with sometimes being there just for me.
January 18, 2019 at 10:05 am
This sounds like a very healthy decision you are making! (BTW, I care if you stay or go!) You must put some balance into your life. As I MUST put some into mine! The most laborious task of them all I think is balance! You are multi-talented, so of course, you take on too much. I believe in a way you realize that real life is ‘happening’ and you are accidentally missing some of it. I’m good with you taking some time. I’m good with you doing what you need to, and I’ll be right here whenever you need anything, I’m an email away! Best of luck on the journey of finding balance in your life! You got this, Susan! xoxo
January 18, 2019 at 10:54 am
Thank you so much, Kim! Love you!
January 18, 2019 at 10:29 am
I, of course, give a tremendous shit because you know how much I love you. But you do what you need to do, and I hope you swing around my way every so often.❤️❤️❤️ I can still see you poetry on Twitter, right?
January 18, 2019 at 10:57 am
I couldn’t stay away from your Sunday brilliance, Suzanne!!!! Thank you for always being so supportive and so kind to me. As for the poetry, I am sure I will continue to shamelessly self promote….if I write any. That has been part of the problem; I haven’t written any new poems in so long and I miss it. Thank you for giving a tremendous shit!!!!! You are the best! Love you!!
January 18, 2019 at 10:52 am
Juggling life often means I forget to eat and stuff like that. Instrumental music can be a thing the helps thinking, organizing, relaxing. Listen and stream for free some instrumentals at http://zoolon.bandcamp.com/album/the-forgotten-daughter-of-zeus It might help; maybe won’t but it might. Best of luck ~ George
January 18, 2019 at 10:58 am
George, you are wonderful and wise!!! I am totally going to listen to your instrumental stuff. It really does work magic!!! Thank you!
January 18, 2019 at 1:53 pm
Sometimes – like this week – I wish I could set my brain back to factory settings. I can’t so the hunt for creativity and being organized can only turn up when it wants. In the meantime art – all genres – helps a bit. I hope you find it and the pressure monster goes into hiding ~ George
January 18, 2019 at 2:00 pm
You are super wonderful, George! Thank you!
January 18, 2019 at 10:58 am
Good luck, Susan. I hope you are able to find/create whatever it is you are looking for.
January 18, 2019 at 11:02 am
Thank you so much, my friend! You are part of what inspired me to see how much I need to do this. When you put out your books, it really made me realize that I want to be creating more, putting more out there, giving real time and energy to my own art, which has been so sparse. Thank you so much for always being so supportive and inspiring. I will be around. Just not as around.
January 18, 2019 at 11:27 am
Oh shit, it’s partly my fault. Figures. Seriously though, I totally understand where you are coming from. Blogging takes up a lot of my time that I feel could be better spent writing. I’ve already backed off my blog a bit, only posting once a week now, and focusing more on longer works of fiction and less on poetry. Poetry is almost like a quick fix for me. Almost a laziness because I don’t want to put in the effort to really lose myself in something larger. But much to my dismay, I have to admit that I do enjoy the validation I get from blogging. It is a bit like a drug. But not to dismiss the blogging community, because I have a deep, deep appreciation for everyone who takes time out of their lives to read something I have written. So I am grateful for that. And thank you, too, for you have inspired me time and again with your words and self-dissection.
January 18, 2019 at 11:40 am
Oh I hear you, sis.
All in or all out. That’s precisely what I’m doing and along the way everyone suffers.
January 18, 2019 at 12:30 pm
It is a fucking roller coaster I have get off of, but moderation is something I am not at all familiar with. We shall see……
January 18, 2019 at 12:47 pm
Same here. When I do sth, it’s gotta be 150%. It’s fucking exhausting, eating me up.
January 18, 2019 at 1:20 pm
Me too, Sweetie! It’s no wonder I drink much! Gotta get that under control too…..
January 18, 2019 at 7:01 pm
Please.
January 18, 2019 at 12:11 pm
I give a shit if you stay or go. But it is important to find this balance. I understand completely what you mean by being all in or all out. I trust you will find a way to do everything right. And I’ll be around to read you again anytime. I am sure the same goes for many others in WP.
Btw, I loved your latest on Visual Verse!
January 18, 2019 at 12:28 pm
Thank you, B! I hope you know how much your kindness means to me. I am such a huge fan of you and your work!!!
January 18, 2019 at 3:53 pm
Same here, Susan! I always appreciare your poetry and your comments
January 18, 2019 at 12:19 pm
Well its good to know and have updates on the situation, I enjoy your posts, and continue to read what ever you post xx
January 18, 2019 at 12:29 pm
Thank you, so much!!!!
January 18, 2019 at 12:30 pm
I care, but a cameo appearance on occasion is more than okay. Just so that I know you are still around. I understand what you mean about the balance thing. It is hard enough to juggle a full time job with blogging. Add novel number 2 to that equation and the balancing act is impossible. Which is probably why I haven’t written a word on the novel in almost a year. Oh well………
January 18, 2019 at 1:19 pm
I think you are truly amazing! You wrote a fantastic book! You inspire me to do more, to strive for more.
January 18, 2019 at 1:06 pm
I totally get the balance thing, something I’ve always struggled with too. Your first action step has been accomplished – awareness. Though you may have had this awareness before, speaking it, doing it and living it is key. You have my support and you can always count on me to hold you accountable!! XOXO 💛🌷
January 18, 2019 at 1:24 pm
You are the best! Thank you, Lovely Lady! I think, as Taurus’, we struggle with moderation of any kind and that makes balance hard. I am so grateful you are in my life and I am here for you absolutely!!!!
January 18, 2019 at 1:09 pm
Follow the road to your best self, My Sister. We are all traveling and there are plenty of opportunities to meet up along the way. Do what you need to do. Know that we’re always around.
January 18, 2019 at 1:24 pm
Thank you, Beautiful! Love you!
January 18, 2019 at 1:25 pm
Love you right back!
January 18, 2019 at 3:22 pm
I give a dinosaur sized shit – but I mostly care about how you are feeling and am in support of whatever positively impacts that!
January 19, 2019 at 8:00 am
I Love you, Angela!!! Thank you for always getting it!!!! And for giving a dinosaur sized shit!!! You are such a light in my world!
January 20, 2019 at 2:32 pm
Love you, too, and so are you!
January 18, 2019 at 4:30 pm
I do care, and that probably goes for all your virtual friends. We will be here when you want to write. That is what friends do. Take care of yourself and your family. As you said, they are your priorities. Be well.
January 19, 2019 at 8:00 am
You are so lovely, George! Thank you so much!
January 18, 2019 at 6:03 pm
Please continue to write because you never know how just one read might help at least one people. And all it takes is one. So please continue. Thanks
January 19, 2019 at 8:02 am
Thank you so much for this!!!! I am very touched by your kindness!
January 18, 2019 at 6:09 pm
I tend to spend most of my time focusing on “the biggest fire”. Constantly in survival mode, but not taking time to actually enjoy life. I don’t have any advice to offer you, other that don’t do what I do, so if you find what works for you share your tips?
January 19, 2019 at 8:02 am
You will be the first to know if I discover anything useful, Grace! Love you!!!
January 19, 2019 at 3:26 am
You have been an inspiration Susan! Look forward to crossing paths again at some point. Best of luck my friend!
January 19, 2019 at 8:04 am
Oh Bill, the feeling is mutual. Thank you so very much! I will be around!
January 19, 2019 at 8:09 am
My pleasure. Be well my friend!
January 19, 2019 at 4:53 am
Dear Susan, I love your work and I hope you strike a balance that works best for your mental and physical health!
I don’t know if it’s the time of the year, but I’m going through the same thing right now, I actually planned to write my first post of 2019 about something similar: reassessing your work habits/efforts and redirecting them to propel you closer towards your goal. What I’ve done recently is complete an OKR, (by John Doerr), it’s usually done by companies, but it’s also great for individuals, it’s a way of focusing on what really matters to you and realigning yourself to that.
January 19, 2019 at 8:06 am
Thank you so much, MP! I am definitely going to check out an OKR; I could use some tools! I hoe that we both find what we need to reach the places we dream of.
January 19, 2019 at 5:35 am
The best of success to you, Susan. Balance is so important to health and self-worth. Enjoy the life around you and in you!
January 19, 2019 at 8:07 am
Thank you, Steven….for everything!
January 19, 2019 at 7:41 am
Seems to be a trend! The tribe had such an amazing 2018 together but we all seem to be asking ourselves “what next?!” I know I am. Blogging is fun, as is interacting with you here in cyberspace, but so much of life gets, as you say, neglected. I shifted my “blog time” from the first thing I do every day to the “when there’s time” quadrant and I run out of time most days. 😢
What does this mean, for Tom Being Tom? I have no idea yet; I have to find that balance you speak of. Until I do, I look to be intermittent.
Sister, I wish you great balance and epiphany. Your presence is always needed here, and many (as you’ve seen) give a shit. But we also all understand and in many cases relate. Go forth and conquer! We’ll wait here. 🙂
January 19, 2019 at 8:12 am
I love and adore you my brother. What you said here about shifting blog time and balance is exactly what I have been feeling. I love our community as well, but I don’t want to lose focus on my life outside of this space. I think we have all made some amazing connections and no matter how much or how little we pop by, those connections won’t be severed. Thank you for being you, Tom! You truly are an extraordinary person!!!! Slainte my friend!!!
January 31, 2019 at 7:40 pm
Well.said Tom! so many of us feel this way. 😊
January 19, 2019 at 9:55 am
This reminds me of something Dylan Thomas said about going back and revising poems he’d written. He knew at a certain point he’d have to step back and let the older poems go or there’d be no time for writing new ones. Difficulty with that balance seems to be in the nature of creative people, and it’s difficult to find time for everything. That also reminds me of Steven Wright’s joke, “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
Anyway I do give a shit if you go. Without WordPress I never would have known of your voice, but now it’s one I listen for. But I also understand if you’re not around as often. One of the advantages of that, to take another quote, albeit an anonymous one this time, is you should always leave the audience wanting more. I hope you’ll keep us posted on your progress as well as your poetry, though. I already want more.
January 19, 2019 at 2:43 pm
Christopher, I am so touched by this! Thank you! And a reference to Dylan Thomas is always a good thing!!!! You have a way of looking at the world, seeing beauty in things where most wouldn’t, that I find inspiring and beautiful. I always learn from you, you make me laugh and think and I am so glad to have discovered your writing. Thank you for all of your support and kindness!
January 20, 2019 at 5:33 am
I have only just found you. Don’t go! I would love to hear more. x
January 20, 2019 at 5:51 am
I am so touched that you popped over to check out my blog! You are wonderful! Thank you! I will definitely still be around, just not as much. I wasn’t dividing my time and need to start doing so a bit more. I am looking forward to reading your stories!!!!
January 20, 2019 at 5:55 am
I just looked at your website and oh my god, you are amazing! I am so excited to read your poetry and stories and everything. I Love how you teach classes incorporating writing and movement. I wish I lived in your part of the world!!! Thank you again for checking out my blog!!!!
January 22, 2019 at 4:09 pm
I give a shit. I love your blog. That said one has to be true to one’s self.
January 25, 2019 at 7:15 am
Paulie, you have been so incredibly supportive to me and I am so grateful! Thank you so much!
January 27, 2019 at 7:15 am
Oh Susan I care so much. I am the same way—I also struggle to find balance and not put everyone else first. I want to give you space to take care of you, and your art and your life. You are so worth it! Xo
January 27, 2019 at 9:54 am
You are my Angel, Sarah!!! I love you!
January 27, 2019 at 10:22 am
Right back at you, Susan!
January 29, 2019 at 10:57 am
I love your writing (poetry and prose), and your soul, Susan. I also want to thank you for the great feedback I have gotten from you in my very humble writing attempts. Life is about finding balance within ourselves, with the people around us whom we love, and with the things we do, with our greatest passions. You and only you are the one to decide how much time you want to dedicate to WordPress, to yourself and to others. 🌈☀🌿💞
January 30, 2019 at 6:35 am
Marta, you are a beautiful soul and a light in my world. Thank you, for everything!
January 30, 2019 at 9:11 am
You are kindly welcome, Susan.
January 31, 2019 at 7:38 pm
We all need to live, to live in a way that makes us “us”. And many of us are going through it. You are not alone. Go and live Susan! Live! 😊💛
February 1, 2019 at 7:33 am
So much love to you, Sweet Walt!!!! Thank you!
February 1, 2019 at 8:37 am
And it flows right back to you Sweet Susan 🙂 You are so very welcome 🙂
February 3, 2019 at 7:01 am
Do what ya gotta do! WordPress is a time-consuming pursuit, what you say makes perfect sense and a balance must be found. Quality over quantity is important. I have also found a need to re-adjust my commitments. To catch up with reading posts I’ve had to forego reading so many comments or commenting myself. I’ve had to accept it’s physically impossible to keep up and I need to form better habits. I will miss you very much if you go all together, so hope you find the perfect balance that enables you to stay without running out of ink 🙂
February 3, 2019 at 11:02 am
Thank you, Lovely!!!!! I am definitely not going away, just attempting the balance thing! I would not be happy without your wonderful and unique brand of humor in my life!!!!