In a split second, the weight of my mind can become unbearable. The feeling of my skin disgusts me. I remember everything that makes me ugly, all the anger and how I have hurt people. I start thinking about everything I have lost. I weave myself into the fabric of lies I believe in, as if they are prophecy. I become the nightmare. I become the noise.
Why does it still surprise me how easily, at 49, I can go from feeling good about something that I have achieved, feeling like I might actually not be a total failure, to feeling small and worthless, hating myself so fiercely I can barely breathe?
I started the year feeling pretty good, dare I say even a bit positive, about my writing and what I may be able to achieve in the future. But, it all turned to muck when my sister sang one song, so beautifully, while looking like a model doing it. When she sings, or talks or walks, or just stands on the pavement, the world stops and the light shines only on her. She was meant for it. She glows beneath it. I just seem to fall again and again into the dirt, as if I should be hidden away, disgusting and sad, something to be ashamed of.
When we were children, my Mom had special names for me and my older sister. She was pearl and I was plumb. That pretty much sums up who we have been all of our lives. She is something lovely and precious, protected by a shell. I am a fruit that when dried, helps people shit. She is pristine and special. I am crap. Living in the shadow of perfection, when you are composed of scraps and garbage, is impossible and so incredibly painful. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of blaming her, for far too many years.
I want so much to be able to look at my sister and simply feel proud, not be so fucking narcissistic that her success leads me to feeling worthless. And as far as her being beautiful and smart and musically talented (and the list goes on), well, that is all just genetic luck. She got all the good stuff from my parents, but that isn’t her fault. It is just how it turned out. I love my sister and I am incredibly proud of her; she has had an adventurous and successful life in so many ways, but when I think about it, I turn a scope onto all the ways my own life has been an undertaking of failure. It isn’t fair to her. I haven’t been fair to her. Just another of my failings. But, I don’t blame her.
My thoughts are in a loop and make no sense.
Today I started thinking about things I have loved to do and realized that so many of those things are no longer a part of my life. I remember spending hours, sometimes an entire day, on the couch, reading; it was one of my favorite things to do. Now, I don’t even have a couch I can lie down on, and even if I did, the four animals I share space with would never allow it. I used to love going to the movies in the afternoon when the theaters were almost empty. I haven’t been to a movie theater in years. Money and time always seem to be on short supply. Probably something of my own design to keep me wrapped up in depression. I remember loving to drive to beautiful hiking spots, just me and music and trees. I loved leaving the city and the noise behind. I used to love having a nap when I was so exhausted my body hurt. But, I can’t nap. There is too much noise. I am so tired.
I have been thinking about noise, feeling so repelled by it. I feel suffocated by the sounds on my block, the screams that have been burned into the pavement with rage and permanence. I feel battered by shouting and raving and barking and greed. I am surrounded by filth, afraid to take a step, wanting only to stay inside, but even inside, there is no space that feels comfortable or quiet.
How is it that in the morning I can snatch up glimmers of hope, while the city sleeps, but by afternoon, I am shackled to the repetitious brutality of my own mind? How is it that I breathe when I was never meant to? How is it that tomorrow, I will rise from bed and still hope, still believe that one day it can get better?
I am not looking to be told that my mind is full of lies or that I am somehow not the piece of shit I believe myself to be. I am not looking for reassurance that I can be something different or better, if only I try. I am not looking outward…..perhaps that is the problem. But for now, in this moment on this afternoon, I need to simply share the words that live in the confines of my mind. No matter how fucked up they may seem.
January 12, 2019 at 2:54 pm
❤️ I hear what you say without the need to fix it. It’s heavy enough without adding my two cents to the weight. I’ll just assure you I love your honest ass – on the high and in the low!
January 12, 2019 at 3:33 pm
Thank you , sis!!! Love you!
January 12, 2019 at 3:37 pm
Right back at ya 💕
January 12, 2019 at 3:20 pm
I have been quietly reading your words and I can honestly say this right now has touched me deeply. Yet every word I have read has done the same. This right now.. Has reached my soul Thank you truly Thank you 💞
January 12, 2019 at 3:37 pm
Oh my, thank you so much. I am so touched and grateful. Thank you for your kindness, for taking the time to tell me this. It brought tear to my eyes. I am sorry that you have pain, wish so much that no one had to feel such pain, but it helps to know that we are not alone, that someone understands.
January 12, 2019 at 3:46 pm
It does. It truly does. You write with such honesty and depth that reaches deep and heals more than words can say 💞
January 12, 2019 at 3:49 pm
You are so lovely, truly. I am so grateful!
January 12, 2019 at 3:23 pm
Not fucked up at all. There are moments that swamp us all. Good to vent them. Take care.
January 12, 2019 at 3:37 pm
Exactly! Thank you, Chris!
January 12, 2019 at 4:12 pm
😉
January 12, 2019 at 3:23 pm
Love you, friend. My heart aches with you. Xoxoee
January 12, 2019 at 3:38 pm
Love you, Beautiful Lady! Thank you!
January 12, 2019 at 3:53 pm
Honey, the plum is the sweet fruit, not the prune. That’s what you are to me—a beautiful fruit with the tang of a warm season.
January 12, 2019 at 4:00 pm
Oh Suzanne, you have made the tears flow. Thank you, my friend! Love you!
January 12, 2019 at 4:02 pm
Love you too, sugarplum😊
January 28, 2019 at 9:59 am
Well said. Love these words. 🌺🌸
January 12, 2019 at 4:33 pm
I’m with Rita, just here to offer my listening, love, and a hand to hold. 💜
January 13, 2019 at 7:30 am
Love you, my friend! Thank you!
January 13, 2019 at 7:52 am
Love you, too!
January 12, 2019 at 4:58 pm
thank you for sharing your heart.
January 13, 2019 at 7:31 am
Thank you, Wendi, for always being so kind and supportive!
January 13, 2019 at 3:53 pm
It is truly my pleasure………..thank you for helping me in ways I can’t explain. Bless you.
January 12, 2019 at 6:05 pm
You’ve got some heavy shit going on so I’m not gonna use pretty words or say pretty things. But I bet your sister can’t fucking write poetry! I bet she doesn’t have as many people loving her as you do. Sometimes you just have to say “Fuck it all! I’m too fucking tired to care!” Truth is, we’re all fucked up. 😉
January 13, 2019 at 7:33 am
I love and adore you,Walt!!!!! This is just the advice I needed this morning. Today, I say fuck it all. And my sister really is amazing! She would probably say the same about me. I am grateful that I got over blaming her for things she had no control over, and now we are friends!
January 13, 2019 at 10:40 am
Well, I love you.more, lol! I’m sorry for the language , you know I don’t use it often, but it was called for. I’m sure she is amazing!, But nowhere near as amazing as you! Hugs and Love dear friend 😊💜
January 16, 2019 at 8:28 am
Agreed!
January 16, 2019 at 10:03 am
😊
January 12, 2019 at 9:53 pm
Get back up. Stop being angry at Susan. She needs you. She makes mistakes! So what?! She’s human. Don’t lose sight of this ‘she is trying very hard to ‘learn’. Mistakes are in the past. Today is what really counts. You are beautiful, smart
and a caring soul. I did hear you when you said ‘you’re not looking for assurances’! I hope I’m not disrespecting your wishes, by saying these things.
I looked at what you wrote, and thought, there are two choices here:
– The easy one: Say to myself ‘it’s your wish to not say anything at all’.
– The harder one: Go into the darkness with you. Ignore your wish of no reassurance of worth or sympathy needed. Hold you up, and pull you out of the darkness.
I will not let it take you. It will get better. Keep writing.
January 13, 2019 at 7:37 am
I Love you, Kat! Thank you! So much!
January 13, 2019 at 7:59 am
Love you back creative brilliant beautiful one.
January 13, 2019 at 4:31 am
Ah… so much, too much stuff comes out of nowhere at us and the blanket of what was suffocates us sending us into darkness. You do not belong in that space. (Sugarplum)! Mothers try, don’t they? But sometimes they make mistakes or are misunderstood and we carry that burden. In high school, my mom said to me, you’ll never be as pretty as your sisters but you got the brains. What does one do with that? Is it a slam Or a complement? The pearl and the plum. Who knows? All I know is I’ll take the brains, eat delicious plums, and read awesome blog posts by incredible women (and men) who give me the courtesy to discuss their piece! You are so unique, so smart, and so beautiful, you are simply radiant right off the page. As our chronic selves fight to hang on to what was, we strive to find something to replace those things that brought us comfort. The truth is, we can. But somedays the memories creep back in, good and bad. So we write and our tribe encircles us! I’m here, Susan. 💜
January 13, 2019 at 7:40 am
Oh Kim, it is so good to have you back! Thank you so much for this! You totally get it. Love you!
January 13, 2019 at 8:43 am
💜
January 13, 2019 at 5:28 am
Brilliant! Now I can go poop! 😀 XXX ❤
January 13, 2019 at 7:41 am
Somewhere quiet, I hope! hahahaha!!!
January 13, 2019 at 9:47 am
Funny how siblings turn out, I’m the opposite of my brother, I wonder what qualities he has I could learn from? I’m mostly befuddled, but not in a bad way – he just seems to come at things from a very different perspective, which s odd since we grew up in the same space!
January 13, 2019 at 9:54 am
I always found that strange as well. My sister and I are so different, and my brother was yet another completely different personality. I have wondered how it is we could have been grown up in the same environment. I also find family placement really fascinating.
January 13, 2019 at 9:58 am
I usually think “Blame the parents!” But then I’ll wonder at that too, cos in many ways they treated me with more sensitivity than my brother – I guess the whole thing is something of a cluster-f*ck! (sorry cant think of the correct medical term!!) Xx
January 13, 2019 at 10:02 am
I think cluster fuck works perfectly!!!!! Are you the youngest?
January 13, 2019 at 10:03 am
No 3 of 4, I think the attempts at discipline did retreat with each child, so I see what you’re getting at 🙂
January 13, 2019 at 5:54 am
Plumb is the sweetest fruit on earth, especially tasty when dry.
January 13, 2019 at 7:42 am
Thank you , Gorgeous Lady!
January 16, 2019 at 8:31 am
Pearls are pretty but hard and cold. Plums are soft and sweet!
January 16, 2019 at 8:39 am
Love you!
January 16, 2019 at 8:45 am
I’d always choose a plum too.
January 16, 2019 at 9:52 am
xoxoxo
January 16, 2019 at 10:31 am
Cross my heart.
I love plums and melancholic poems (wrote one. You can see it)
January 16, 2019 at 11:13 am
Wonderful!!!!!!
January 16, 2019 at 11:21 am
I read it yesterday and then tried to get to it through my email but couldn’t…..I just read it again and commented. It is so beautiful!
January 16, 2019 at 11:36 am
Not like you.
(I love how we make each other feel good)
January 16, 2019 at 11:54 am
Me too!!!
January 13, 2019 at 8:44 am
I respect that you can self-analyze like this. It’s hard to accept that we are who is responsible, not the people or circumstances around us. It’s easier to believe that we are shit. That belief relieves us of the great responsibility that comes when we accept that we are something more. It puts pressure on us to maintain “not being shit.” I admit that my life was much easier when I was just the screwed up one in my family.
January 13, 2019 at 9:42 am
Thank you , River. I find that even though seeing and understanding that the responsibility is mine has been hard, it is also liberating and has allowed me to have a much better relationship with my sister, which I am very grateful for.
January 14, 2019 at 6:31 am
I’m going to join in with a few of the others and remind you just how beautiful a plumb is.
When I see them on display I ignore all the other fruits. Who cares about them, the plum is an awesome fruit. The kind I want to hang out with for the entire day.
You are my awesome fruit. The hell with the other fruities. I want to hang with you, fruit-cake.
January 14, 2019 at 6:49 am
You are so wonderful! Thank you, my friend. This was the perfect message to read before I head to my eye appointment.
January 16, 2019 at 6:57 am
This is beautiful ❤❤
January 16, 2019 at 8:19 am
I have missed you, Beautiful! It makes me so happy to see you here today!!!!
January 16, 2019 at 8:22 am
Sorry I’ve been absent
January 16, 2019 at 8:28 am
Oh Sweetie, no apologies necessary. If you pop by once a year, it will be a good day! I just wanted you to know I think of you and hope you and your gorgeous brood are thriving!!!!! I have been so much less present myself, and about to become even more so.
January 18, 2019 at 6:33 am
Our thoughts always need space to float around and don’t always need direction or fixing so I am so glad you were able to fill this post with your raw thoughts and feeling for us all to read. Your writing is beautiful ❤
January 18, 2019 at 6:44 am
Thank you so much!!! I have been trying to write when I am in the feelings, rather than just writing about them in retrospect. It can be a bit messy, but it is honest.
January 20, 2019 at 12:27 pm
I love it so it is obviously working amazingly for you ❤
January 21, 2019 at 8:25 am
Thank you!!!! Happy Blogiversary!!!
January 18, 2019 at 12:47 pm
I love your truth, your darkness and your light – I love you my friend! XO
January 18, 2019 at 1:21 pm
I Love You Lady!!!! Looking forward to the gardens! I am totally in, by the way!