I have always lived under a veil of darkness, so it seems fitting to me that I am going blind. Even as a child I drifted toward sadness. When I was six, I was asked by my teacher to write a thanksgiving story. My fellow students all wrote stories about pilgrims and big festive dinners with happy shiny families, but I wrote about a turkey who commits suicide. I have always wondered how I knew what suicide was at only six years old. Why did I feel connected to sadness and discontent at such a young age? Well, one thing is for sure, it isn’t a surprise that I am the very sad middle-aged woman that I am today.
I feel as if I have spent my whole life trying to feel happiness and to hold onto it for more than a few moments. I seem to always return to dark places and habitual longings to simply disappear. I have dreamed of being anyone but me and felt disappointed over and over again upon waking in the same damaged skin. I have yearned for darkness and now darkness is coming. My eyes are failing me just as I have always failed myself and everyone around me. It all fits so perfectly together, the tragic puzzle pieces of who I am or who I have allowed myself to become. I am wrapped so tightly in sadness and self loathing that I cannot breathe without their cruel touch; they have defined me for so long and my fight is gone. The older I get the more easily I give up and give in. I am waiting now. Waiting to go blind. Waiting for the world to disappear. Maybe I will disappear too.
May 1, 2013 at 8:03 pm
Sadness is understandable when darkness looms. But with others who have braved the darkness and found the way to endure…there is hope and even delight. I am one of those who has found the way through to the other side. I am happy to be in touch if you wish.
May 3, 2013 at 8:15 am
Thank you.
May 13, 2013 at 12:05 pm
I’m not sure what to write but I feel that I need to respond. I’m hoping that you’re feeling different today than when you wrote this piece.
I can’t understand everything that you’re going through but I do know that you are loving and loved. You are and have more to offer than you give yourself credit for.
At the risk of sounding cliche-ish, keep your head down, your heart open and your feet moving – the old “one day at a time” method until you can get out of your funk.
Sending you much love, my dear sister-friend.
February 5, 2018 at 7:14 pm
ebb and flow…ebb and flow…I see you riding your current through your posts.
February 6, 2018 at 3:25 am
It was such a hard time, but yes, I think riding the currents is something I have always had to do; trying to traverse around them just doesn’t work.
February 6, 2018 at 6:06 am
No…the currents will always find you. Best to learn how to ride them them try to avoid them.