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Stories From the Edge of Blindness

In 2002, Retinitis Pigmentosa changed my life. This is my story of a slow approach to darkness.

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Disability

An Unpopular View

I was going to work on my newest venture of writing fiction (thanks to my wonderful friend and mentor, Bryan) and send out some poetry submissions this morning, but then I entered the WP world and read a few different posts, from others in the Blind/VI community, about the  #Birdbox challenge, and I felt compelled to respond with a post of my own. Continue reading “An Unpopular View”

The Consequences of Blindness

I read a post this morning from Sightless Musings, that hit me at my core. Please read it.

I was going to write about writing today, about feeling completely inarticulate, but after reading the above mentioned post, I changed course a bit. I am still feeling like a complete bumbler in regard to my writing, but I press on and tell this story (if you can call it that) anyway.  Continue reading “The Consequences of Blindness”

The Return of Darkness

I have been away,  under the skin of darkness.  I intended to bring along pen and paper, do a bit of blood-letting, record my thoughts; instead, I brought a bottle, numbed out and dreamed of becoming  someone else.  I curled up against the edges of my eyes and saw things I knew were lies, but I didn’t care.  I forgot about plotting my escape and let the stillness eat me up.
Continue reading “The Return of Darkness”

Rust + Moth

I can’t deny it.  The day I got this particular acceptance, I cried.  I had submitted to Rust + Moth so many times and when the email came in that they had accepted my poem, I was in disbelief.  I still am.  Rust + Moth, in my opinion, is publishing some of the best contemporary poetry online and in print, and to have my work sit alongside that of so many writers I admire, is an absolute honor. The Autumn issue is incredible, full of poems that have left me breathless and in tears.   If you would like to, you can read my poem, here.

Everyone Falls

Everyone falls.  Everyone daydreams and falls into states of preoccupation, falls into the arms of another person, falls to the ground.  Can you remember the last time you fell to the ground?  I know it happens, but how often?  Is it a story you tell about that one time you fell and were so fucking embarrassed?  Or maybe you cried?  Did you hurt yourself?  Were you drunk?  There is no judgement here. I have fallen and been embarrassed and cried and hurt myself, and yes, I have been falling down drunk. But, the falls that shake me the most, are the falls that can only be blamed on RP.  Continue reading “Everyone Falls”

Cloaked

Today began long before it should have.  I woke up with that feeling that always returns, that feeling of my breath being unbearably heavy in my chest.  I begin to question everything.  I become saturated in the desire to disappear.  What seemed clear yesterday reveals itself as a lie.  Who I thought I could be is so far out of reach and I want to tear my skin off, trade in my heart and my mind, transform into a clean slate.  The weight is unbearable.  The weight of my body and my thoughts.  The same phrase loops over and over in my mind, the thought I have had since I was a child….I can’t do this anymore. Continue reading “Cloaked”

The Outside of Everywhere

I linger on the outside of everywhere. I am a skulker, a bone shucker, a fraud.  I slip behind curtains, under floorboards, into panes of glass that mute my words.  I am awkward and stumble more than I stand tall.  I am late to the gathering, last to get the joke, the one in the corner feeling confused.  I am hollow, looking for substance, failing.  I am fleeting, a pale representation, a liar.  I am a nail biter torn to the quick.  I am clamor and catastrophe in the flick of a switch.  You are my captor, my captivator, my annihilator.  You are the steely grip of an unblinking gaze.  You are my habit, my protector, you pull the strings.  I will always surrender.  You will always win.

Epic Summer Issue of Sheila – Na – Gig

I am thrilled to have 2 of my poems in the Epic Summer Issue of Sheila -Na – Gig.  My huge thanks go out to Editor Hayley Haugen!

This is a huge an amazing issue with so many wonderful poets and poems.  There are also a ton of submission opportunities at SNG that all poets should check out!!!!

Eating Barbequed Iguana

I fell a few weeks ago, on the sidewalk, while gawking at another new group of hideous town houses that are being built in our neighborhood.  When I fell, I cried, not because it hurt, but because I felt humiliated, broken, slapped in the face yet again by RP.  My depression and self loathing voices took center stage and told me I was useless and really shouldn’t even be outside if I can’t manage to walk a block without falling down and scraping my knees.  I wanted to hide, from the RP and the day and the world.  I wanted to hide from myself, pretend I was graceful, dream I could float.  My sadness turned to anger and I stumbled home, terrified that every step may be the one to send me back into the unwelcome embrace of the pavement. Until very recently, this had been my usual response to falling.
Continue reading “Eating Barbequed Iguana”

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