When I write, I whisper the words to myself. When I was trying out the poems I chose to read for the “Tiger Lily” launch party, it felt as if I had to push the sound from my throat with great effort. I felt afraid, but didn’t know why; maybe I don’t feel the words will be mine if I speak at full volume, or maybe I am afraid they were never mine to begin with. I have been struggling with connecting myself to what I have written; maybe that is why I whisper, hoping no one will hear me or see me, until I have figured out who I am supposed to be. I was surprised to have had some really good experiences lately, reading my poems for others, but when I retreat, I become that whisper again. I feel void of identity, void of purpose, void of heart.
I find myself requiring solitude, but still feel as if that makes me defective. I have a litany of excuses for why I can’t go out, or talk on the phone, or see people; excuses I think are acceptable. But, what is wrong with saying, “I can’t see you today because I am sad, because I feel empty and lost”.? I think people are afraid of sadness, don’t know how to respond to it, feel as if they should be able to fix it, beat it into submission, erase it. I have a strong need to make sure others feel comfortable, which is probably why what I write does the opposite. Somehow I turn the words into something separate from breathing, something that isn’t entirely real or connected, and so the responsibility for other’s comfort, when they read the words, is not mine. And, yet, the words are the deepest parts of me, the parts I feel deserve examination and release. There is no sense inside my mind, no stable centre, no anchor, no rest.
I have been spinning so fast, eyes shut tight, holding my breath. Today the wheel stopped and I was upside down. I can’t figure out if I like it here.
September 6, 2022 at 5:21 pm
i feel that all the time suzy. then again when i have to be near pope son st tom i remember
just how cold and old i have become
cos i just do not have the time for self pity
lord love ya and jim.
peace and all of that jazz suzy!
September 6, 2022 at 5:30 pm
I am constantly trying to figure it all out, John, and then I feel like I shouldn’t care so much at my age. Oddly, I am warming to people. I suppose I will just always need the solace time. Introvert stuff.
September 6, 2022 at 5:31 pm
yeah we re all turned inward arent we?
September 6, 2022 at 5:35 pm
I think so!
September 6, 2022 at 5:36 pm
sad to say then
September 6, 2022 at 9:52 pm
I started my response several hours ago. I don’t know if this will show up in the right place. I felt compelled to respond however as I related so deeply to what you said. I too often do not want to talk on the phone, don’t feel like I should have to make an excuse as to why I don’t feel like going somewhere, or justify anything that is not a harm to anyone else. I agree with what you said about sadness. People see it as a weakness, we feel what we want to write but we often worry how it comes across. Thank you for writing this beautiful story and sharing honesty with this reader who loves the truth. Love and hugs, Joni 🦋❤️🤗🌹
September 7, 2022 at 10:10 am
Hi Joni. Thank you so much for this beautiful and honest comment. I know it couldn’t have been easy to write, but I am so glad you did. I think this kind of connection is what being a writer is all about, and I have felt from your writing what a thoughtful and sensitive person you are. I am very grateful for your courage in opening up and sharing with me. I am a great admirer of you and your writing!
September 7, 2022 at 1:03 pm
Thank you very much for your kindness. I am very grateful for the opportunity to meet and make connections with all the beautiful people in our community. It is always a struggle with time when you have a family. I also truly appreciate your lovely writing as well. Blessings to you and your family. 🦋❤️🙏
September 11, 2022 at 3:00 pm
It might have felt like an effort but you sounded beautiful, as you always do. I love listening to you read your profound and gorgeous words!
September 12, 2022 at 9:13 am
You always make me feel good, Suzanne! Thank you, as ever, for your generosity! I am so glad you were there; it definitely helped calm my nerves.
September 12, 2022 at 12:32 pm
I felt every word of this post… 💕💕💕 especially “hoping no one will hear me or see me, until I have figured out who I am supposed to be”. I have been hiding the same way, my whole life. Thank you for so eloquently putting this into words…xoxo
September 17, 2022 at 10:41 am
Hi Patti! Your note went to spam, so I am just now reading it. Thank you so much for reading and commenting on this post. I was so happy to find your blog ;when I read about you, I felt like I was reading about myself. I am really excited about further exploring your writing. All my best to you.
September 17, 2022 at 4:36 pm
September 15, 2022 at 4:59 am
Its difficult for the fully embodied feminine in us to find courage to voice its authentic standpoint.. This is due to its obliteration over generations.. The opening of the throat chakra does come with a lot of terror and until the wounds in the sacral center are claimed totally there can be a disconnect of sorts because of great fear.. I so identify with this. ❤