I have wanted to write, truly, but my groove is buried somewhere between Los Angeles and Ireland and that is a lot of fucking space to cover. I have four projects in stasis, sitting in folders that mock me every time I switch on the computer, but instead of waking them, I go online and shop for things I don’t need. My imposter syndrome is in hyper-drive and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find any ground beneath my feet. Clearly, ghosts travel.
When we first got to Ireland, I only allowed myself to see the positive sides of the move, of which there are many, rather than acknowledging that it was a big deal to leave a place I called home for most of my life. I never loved Los Angeles, never felt that it fit me, but my stories are there, my roots and my blood, and we didn’t get to say goodbye, not properly. The pandemic and an evil landlord prevented us from stepping into this new chapter of our lives fully, with eyes open and hands steady.
It took me a year to finally feel the gravity of moving, in my 50’s, from a home we were being chased out of to a country I had never visited, all during a pandemic. It sounds insane, and perhaps it was a bit, but it also felt exciting and brave, like a dream. I have wanted to come to Ireland for as long as I can remember, to see where my Mom’s ancestors lived and loved, struggled and triumphed. I have wanted a quieter life for years, a life away from the knife edge that Los Angeles has become. I have wanted to see where Joe’s heart has always truly lived. Ireland doesn’t disappoint; it offers a quieter way of life and scenery that takes your breath away each time you step outside, people who see each other rather than just look through each other while reaching for unattainable pedestals, and a sky that is filled with stars, rather than helicopters that shine spotlights on the desperate, the hungry and the violent. We made the right choice when we moved to Clonmel, but the problem is that I have never learned how to travel light.
I dreamed that I left pieces of myself behind, pieces that I have been trying to stitch back together for so long, but in the dream, I believed I could be whole without them. I convinced myself that I had a chance to find a voice, to climb out of the waves and stand on solid ground. I believed I could be who I imagine myself to be when the world rests in darkness. I woke to the familiar sensation of drowning, realising that I must have closed my eyes and stuffed my demons into a suitcase, hoping it would stay closed, but it was too full and the latch broke.
I find myself in a new landscape, but I am still covered in shadows, still facing the same ghosts that have traveled with me my whole life. Maybe this time I can learn to see them differently, to put them back into the suitcase with care and welcome them when they break open the latch, knowing that they aren’t to be feared, that they are the darkness in me, and darkness can be just as beautiful as light.
January 24, 2022 at 9:42 am
I relate to this so much Susan, though I have never moved from one country to another. Just one area to another. Areas that are so totally different to each other. Ao much of what you say is me too. ❤️
January 24, 2022 at 9:47 am
I am so glad this resonated with you Lorraine. I think moving is such a huge change, no matter the distance. It is a challenge learning to adapt to new surroundings. I hope you are safe and well and feeling settled wherever you are right now.
January 24, 2022 at 10:03 am
Thankyou Susan. And I hope that living in Ireland becomes truly good for you in time. I have never been to Ireland, but always wanted to go, and have often felt I would love to live there. I don’t know if I would feel the same if I got there though lol. I love the music and the Irish dance and the acxent. I truly wish you well Shsan.
January 24, 2022 at 10:18 am
Thank you! And, when you come to Ireland, you will find that it is just as amazing as you imagine. It is an incredible place and it really was a good decision to move here; I am just one of those people who keeps one foot in the weeds. Hopefully this will be my chance to break free a bit.
January 24, 2022 at 10:26 am
I hope so for you Susan. The weather there can be a bit rough though.
January 24, 2022 at 9:47 am
Everything I have is of where I am, everything I am is of where I grew up, everything I write is, in some way, of each, of both, the balance ever shifts. But hey that’s me!
January 24, 2022 at 9:50 am
This is beautiful, Eric. I am on a life long quest to learn to go with the shifts gracefully, and forgive myself when the grace just isn’t there.
January 24, 2022 at 11:10 am
Ah, I’ve never shifted gracefully, Susan, not even from foot to foot, but it doesn’t stop me dancing, or as my wife says of me, ever trying! All the best to you and yours. Take care. Eric.
January 25, 2022 at 2:44 am
Everything I am and have become is where I’ve been, people I got to know, all the joy and disappointments alike. Home is here and there, home is my family, home is in my heart. What is home actually? Sth we long for, sth we may never find. Home is a journey, rather than a destination.
January 25, 2022 at 5:35 am
This is beautiful B, and humbling. Thank you! You are in my thoughts and heart.
January 25, 2022 at 7:11 am
Some of us will never feel quite at home, no matter where we are or go. No matter how beautiful a place, we’ll always feel like we’re lacking or missing sth. It is what it is. So I stopped bitching (I promised that to myself) and try to make the most of it instead. Little gifts to make it through the day: a walk in a park, cycling, swimming, coffee/ice-cream/eating out, chat with friends who’re far away, books, movies, wine and chocolate, lots of chocolate. That alone will do.
January 25, 2022 at 7:23 am
You are wise, Bojana! I envy you the peace that must come from letting things be. I think I am addicted to the misery, to the figuring out what can’t truly be figured out. I think being in Ireland will finally give me the chance to learn how to be.
January 25, 2022 at 8:28 am
I assure you I am far from peace I so long for, but there are times when I feel truly blessed. It is then that I cherish such moments (before I’m back to black).
January 26, 2022 at 8:15 am
I am just glad to hear you are grabbing onto those moments of serenity.
January 24, 2022 at 9:49 am
sounds sad awful and full of meloncholy Suzie.
remember Dawn and yawn and say so whatever i am not alone
for what it is worth
January 24, 2022 at 9:51 am
Thanks you John! I think melancholy is my first language, but thankfully not my only one.
January 24, 2022 at 9:54 am
i am literally in tears for you and Dawn and a woman in Oklahoma whose daddy was a great santini type. have you read any of the late Pat Conroy?
January 24, 2022 at 9:56 am
You are a sensitive soul. I have not read Pat Conroy, but I will look them up.
January 24, 2022 at 9:57 am
he was out of South Carolina. The Great Santini was played by Robert Duvall.
January 24, 2022 at 10:15 am
I know the movie but saw it ages ago; I will look for the book and the movie. Thanks John!
January 24, 2022 at 10:16 am
yw
January 24, 2022 at 10:03 am
good luck on the move. I hope it ends up being a positive thing for you. And yes, ghosts travel
January 24, 2022 at 10:19 am
Thanks, Billy! It really is incredible here. I have to say that your post today really inspired me, really gave me hope. It was a very powerful read. Thank you!
January 24, 2022 at 10:20 am
I was beginning to think I couldn’t even make the best of one of the most beautiful places on earth, but you helped me see that it’s always possible.
January 24, 2022 at 10:24 am
That’s amazing of you to say that. I’m humbled but very glad that you are in a good place
January 24, 2022 at 10:42 am
It is good to hear that the move to Ireland was a positive one. I do understand that sometimes we are not our best advocates. Like you I do have many things I need to finish for my writing. Part of my problem is there is not enough hours in the day.
January 24, 2022 at 11:29 am
You are so prolific and motivated! You inspire me!
January 24, 2022 at 1:48 pm
I had no idea you had moved! I hope Ireland suits you well
January 25, 2022 at 5:33 am
Thank you so much!! Ireland is beautiful and has definitely given us a better way of life. I feel very fortunate to be here.
January 25, 2022 at 1:23 pm
I went on a road trip round Ireland some years ago, I’d love to go back some day!
January 24, 2022 at 1:50 pm
Guess it goes to show you can run but not hide…..Still, I give you and Joe a lort of credit for making that move. Even if I wanted to I dont think I’d have the cojones to do actually do it. Chased out of you home huh? Would love to see a piece on the evil landlord
January 25, 2022 at 5:34 am
It is definitely in the works…..
January 25, 2022 at 6:38 am
No matter where we go, there we are. What a bummer. I wish that weren’t true, that we could just step out of the old into something new without the things that tethered us in darkness and despair, but, alas, we can only outrun the ghosts for so long. But I think you nailed it. Maybe what we have to do is accept that they aren’t meant to be outrun, that they are the very fabric of who we are; the darkness, the pain, the despair. It’s a foundation that anchors us and allows the light to shine that much brighter. That’s a beautiful thing. Or some shit like that. All I know is that I’m glad you are over there, far from the chaos, surrounded by newness and beauty. Deep breaths, my friend. Be patient and know that you deserve only good things and love. Big hugs and lots of love to you, Susan. xo
January 25, 2022 at 7:17 am
As ever, you are so spot on and express it all beautifully!You ease my mind and my heart, T! Thank you! Love and hugs to you, my friend! xoxoxo
January 25, 2022 at 7:04 am
Wishing you both all the best in your new life. Take care and I am sure the next stage in your life will be a good one. Regards
January 25, 2022 at 7:20 am
Thank you so much, Lakshmi! We are so lucky to be in Ireland, and no matter my personal struggles, I am incredibly grateful! I hope you and yours are safe and well. All my best to you!
January 25, 2022 at 7:44 am
A suitcase filled with demons. It’s always safer to know where your demons are. I hope Ireland becomes the home you have also wanted, and don’t worry, one is always haunted by one’s past and the things that didn’t go as planned. But it’s the present and the hope for the future that keeps one going. Keep writing, Susan, you are so good at it. 🙂
January 25, 2022 at 8:16 am
Thank you so much, Terveen!!! I do believe that Ireland is the best place I could be!
January 29, 2022 at 11:54 pm
“Clearly ghosts travel”… across the ocean and from one generation to another. Maybe the question is: how do we exorcise them? Or perhaps just learn to live with them, as you suggest. I certainly think your Impostor Syndrome Ghost should bugger off straight away – your writing is original and beautiful. Don’t let that chain-rattling spectre put you off!
January 30, 2022 at 11:16 am
I love this!!! Thank you so much!!!
January 30, 2022 at 7:38 am
I hope the fragrant breezes of the Irish spring blow those demons away. I hope that didn’t sound like a weird soap commercial, lol!
January 30, 2022 at 11:16 am
It is totally weird soap commercial, but I adore weird soap commercials!!!!! xoxoxo