My head is above water, but I am not floating. The air still tastes of ash, the remnants of a battle lingering in my eyes and in my throat. Depression is the zip tie on my tongue, the shackle on my ankle, the burden that sits heavy in my bones. It hangs on with determination, fades out of focus slowly, but it does not defeat me. I have teeth that bite back, and a voice that still wants to be heard. I go to the doctor, tell her I need help, feel the volume rising. I slip a pill into my mouth, feel the ground beneath me, see the sun is still in the sky, reach for it. I know there will be another sinking, another descent into the shadows, but for now, l let the light in, feel the glow of it on my face, and take a small step forward.
floweringink
I am a writer, going blind in Los Angeles. This blog is my story of a slow approach to darkness as I traverse through the rubble of urban life. It is what I see in the withering spaces of my remaining vision. It is humor and despair and darkness and light. It is what I witness as the world slowly disappears.
18 thoughts on “With a Little Help from Welbutrin”
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November 20, 2021 at 11:25 am
I have teeth that bite back, and a voice that still wants to be heard — I loved this one, and I am happy every time you take a step forward and I can read you here. Much love!
November 20, 2021 at 11:28 am
Thank you, my friend. Big hugs and so much love to you. I have been missing you and your extraordinary writing. xoxoxo
November 20, 2021 at 11:29 am
I missed you too, but I am working like crazy… Many hugs!
November 21, 2021 at 6:04 am
I hope it’s enjoyable work!!!!
November 27, 2021 at 10:27 am
It’s a translation, so it’s both enjoyable and the bane of my existence at the same time!
December 5, 2021 at 10:01 am
I, too, LOVE these lines!
Susan, I hope your teeth are never dulled and your voice ALWAYS wants to be heard. Also, you are so brave for asking for help. 💜
December 5, 2021 at 11:17 am
Thank you Lovely Angela❤️😘
November 20, 2021 at 11:47 am
i was sedated by 100 mg of that drug in the nineties by my evil ex.. she whom i see in church and scream silently who let her in here!
November 20, 2021 at 12:02 pm
You are not alone. Thank you for sharing so transparently.
November 21, 2021 at 6:08 am
Thank you so much, Kelley! I hope that you are safe and well and playing music and writing!!
November 20, 2021 at 1:17 pm
Your words gave me goosebumps, Susan. I can imagine you standing there, feeling the light seep through the cracks, and the thought of that makes me smile because it’s something I so deeply understand. One step is everything. Hold on tight, and know that there will be more for you to take. It doesn’t matter how how long ‘til you do, as as long as the direction you go is forward. Love you. xo
November 21, 2021 at 6:09 am
You totally inspired me, again!!! Love you, Tanya! xoxo
November 21, 2021 at 7:27 am
You are my favourite warrior. Keep gnashing those teeth, my lovely friend.
November 21, 2021 at 10:37 am
All the Love to you, Suzanne! I am so lucky to know you!! xoxoxoxo
November 21, 2021 at 1:29 pm
💕💕💕
January 8, 2022 at 10:48 am
This is an intense and beautifully written description on how you were feeling. I am sorry that you are dealing with this disease. I can only begin to imagine. I hope writing about it helps. Sending love and hugs from NC. 🤗❤️🤗
January 9, 2022 at 5:57 am
Thanks so much, Joni! All my best to you!
January 9, 2022 at 11:15 am
You are very welcome Susan. All the best to you. ❤️