I woke up yesterday feeling a bit better, thinking this bout of depression had plans for a short stay. I was a fool. By the afternoon, I wanted to break something. I wanted to scream and slice myself free of my skin. I wanted to get lost in the wind, become invisible, silent.
When I say my blood is gloom, I mean that it weighs me down like a thousand shadows forcing their way into my mouth, filling my eyes with pin pricks of hateful images. Depression is a slick spill of oil that leaves bruises under your skin, a chemical leak that taunts as it smashes your breath, a stain that sticks to bone. It is what taints my blood, turns my heart into turmoil; a slow churn, a bitter lip, a death in the eye.
It became clear yesterday how fat I am, how much space I occupy, no matter how hard I may try to disappear. My failings, my grotesqueness laid out before me like a book of horrors, but it is a book whose pages I have scoured for a lifetime. I did not need to be told what I already know. I am taking up too much space, hating myself for it; no one should know I am here. I gave up dreaming long ago.
Darkness steals the mere idea of joy, burns it up with a spark from a cruel tongue, my tongue. When I lie down, I feel my heart beating with confusion, sometimes too fast, sometimes too slow; never easy, never rhythmic, never comforting. When I close my eyes, I see the lights that come as a harbinger of blindness, indigo triangles that stab and flash and tease. It is never quiet in my mind. I cannot move or laugh or love. Depression has me in it’s grasp; she whispers, she lies, she imprisons me. My strength is ash that sullies my own hand.
November 2, 2021 at 8:49 am
You are brave, Susan. Your sharing is not only beautiful and powerful, but it reaches out to others, too. I relate. That last line is gutting! Love to you. 💜
November 2, 2021 at 10:10 am
Thank you, Angela; you are so good! I am never certain about these posts as I know depression can lead to questionable choices, but if I am helping you and others feel less lost or alone, then I am doing something right. Love you to, my friend!
November 2, 2021 at 1:08 pm
You do many things right! (is there ever really a right way to do most things??) 💜
November 3, 2021 at 5:36 am
So true, Angela. I suppose we all have to find our own right, own way, own voice. Thank you for your love and support!!!
November 2, 2021 at 9:14 am
i too suzy take up space
non walking season
so other exercise lesser
same old planter fasciatis
dawn bakes her ass off
to allay depression
November 2, 2021 at 10:11 am
The body betrays, Jon. Baking may be a good idea!!! I think some serious kneading of dough may be just the answer.
November 2, 2021 at 10:29 am
Powerful stuff.
November 2, 2021 at 10:41 am
Thank you, David.
November 2, 2021 at 12:44 pm
Your words, Susan. Just…wow. This was a punch to the heart, your brilliance and pain breathtaking. Your truth will help you find your way – that I believe. You are seen, and you are loved. Know that to be true when you can’t find anything to hold on to. Love you. ❤️
November 3, 2021 at 5:36 am
Love you, Tanya! Thank you, as ever……
November 2, 2021 at 2:37 pm
Be kind to yourself, as you are with others. Don’t let the depression talk for you.
November 3, 2021 at 5:37 am
Thank you, so much! I know you are right; depression has such a loud voice sometimes.
November 2, 2021 at 4:53 pm
No words to tell you how powerful this is! Love you ❤️
November 3, 2021 at 5:38 am
Love you, Rita! Thank you!!!!
November 3, 2021 at 7:05 am
Keep sharing these feelings, Susan. Expressing is always liberating. I must say your painful words hide a lot beauty and power. You’re not alone. You are strong, bold, and so special. Keep going! Now, that’s an order. 🙂
November 6, 2021 at 3:42 am
You are lovely and good, Terveen. Thank you!
November 3, 2021 at 11:33 pm
I am holding up the light and love for your inner child Susan she really needs you to stop telling her lies about who she is.. This culture does this too us, it tells us we should not live as we are and we betray ourselves when we let that tyrant do what it does to us..I hope this is not seen as any kind of invalidation, i know those voices of self hatred so well they told me years ago they wanted me dead. i only know this.. they do not speak the truth as powerful as they feel. Maybe they are just rising up to summon up a loving part of you that can hold you tenderly in your all your exquisite vulnerability and sensitive tenderness and tell you the truth.. You are beautiful.
November 6, 2021 at 3:44 am
You are a light, my friend. Thank you so much.
November 6, 2021 at 5:39 pm
You are precious. 🌹❤🌈🕊🦋
November 4, 2021 at 9:47 am
Oh Susan, I wish I had words to soothe but I know they are band-aids, and that you will have to negotiate this storm on your own. Hope it is a short trip
November 6, 2021 at 3:46 am
Thank you, my friend. I am feeling better already. I hope you are well.