The darkness is swallowing me up again. I exist in a confined space, one part sadness, the other anger; sometimes the two become indistinguishable. I am a flame of rage in a freezing wind, burning and extinguished. I am a hollowed out heart, a fade to grey, a bird who forgot she ever wanted to fly. Even in the greenest of pastures, the bleak shades of my nature take over and I wonder why sorrow is the language I know best, why the fire dies inside me every time I begin to feel even the slightest glimmer of warmth. I am selfish, ungrateful, vision narrow, hands like ice. Hope has no colour here, no texture or sound.
I am a sliver of bone on a quest for escape, greed in a cruel fist, a lie that waits at the back of the throat. I pop pills, drown in booze, tie myself up in knots that always unfurl. I am steps never taken and a road grown over with brambles. I am the thorn in a dark night, unkind laughter, vapid tongue. I try so hard to become fiction, to become wind, to become the storm.
I still allow myself to wonder, does the uncovering of darkness shed light? Can wings grow if they have never known the sky? Tonight, I wait for the rain to cleanse me, or perhaps just wash me away.
October 27, 2021 at 3:00 pm
as per chuck mangione chasing the clouds away
October 27, 2021 at 4:27 pm
Oh, I remember Chuck!!!!
October 28, 2021 at 6:22 am
Susan, though the words you wrote tore my heart in two, I canโt help but marvel at the gift you possess. You take me to where you are and make me feel the darkness. Itโs incredible how you so seamlessly capture the pain you feel in a way that leaves me shattered but also in awe. Your talent makes me sometimes feel like I have swallowed a dagger. I loved this but hope these remarkable words are fleeting. Love you, my friend. Donโt forget to breathe. xoxo
October 28, 2021 at 9:05 am
Tanya, you are wonderful, and always such a kind champion of what I do. I find this digging down writing to be cathartic, but I also always hope that it does exactly as you have described. I have so often wished that I spoke the language of happiness, but it eludes me, it has always eluded me. I suppose with age comes the embracing of who we truly are, or at least that is what I hope.
Thank you, for everything, my friend. All the love. xoxoxo
October 28, 2021 at 7:08 am
The way you write about pain, despair and guilt is so magical and heart-wrenching.
“I try so hard to become fiction, to become wind, to become the storm.”
This line just blows me away.
We often want so much to be not who we are. That familiarity is so distasteful.
Susan, you are a wonderful writer and your dark words simply bury the dagger deep. No prisoners taken. ๐
October 28, 2021 at 9:08 am
Terveen, you absolutely lift me up. You have become a mentor for me, made me what to try new things. Thank you for seeing beauty in what I do, for being one of the people who see the beauty in the darkness.
October 29, 2021 at 12:55 am
You are a gem, Susan. Always shine bright. ๐
October 29, 2021 at 3:28 am
Thank you! xoxoxo
October 28, 2021 at 8:48 am
So beautifully described, Susan. ๐ Love to you!
October 28, 2021 at 9:08 am
Thank you so much, Angela! I am so happy to be connecting with you again.
October 29, 2021 at 3:03 pm
My pleasure. Me too!
October 28, 2021 at 3:32 pm
This was some wonderful words Susan. Bleak and sad ๐ I feel your pain , we have both struggled forever to feel at peace within ourselves. We shall overcome the barriers we have put up around ourselves one day soon ๐ค Think of the positives , you have a lovely Irish โ๏ธ hubby and you are living in my beautiful country, something you never thought would happen. You have all the Richardsonโs to get to know and love ๐ you are a published author and continue to get more recognition for your work . Go out and enjoy that beautiful countryside and walk in the beautiful forests and watch the ocean and enjoy life .Much love from the concrete jungle LA x
October 29, 2021 at 3:27 am
Oh Jean, you are so good and lovely! You have helped me open up my eyes today, and I am very grateful. Ireland is incredible! I also miss so much about LA; I miss Bossa Nova and really good tacos, the eccentric old ladies that roam Hollywood and all the familiar faces at Rock n Roll Ralphs. I am so happy to be in Clonmel, but I think it took leaving LA for me to appreciate what it has to offer. We are both on a journey that is sometimes so painful, but I truly believe we are stronger for it, that we see so many more colours in the world than most. Love to you, my friend.
October 30, 2021 at 11:10 am
Ah, Susan, even when you’re bleak, you’re beautiful. And I hope there’s some catharsis in getting the words out, to give you a few minutes of serenity at least:-) Much love to you!
October 30, 2021 at 11:14 am
There definitely is. Thank you Lovely One!!!
October 31, 2021 at 11:36 am
You are such an awesome writer! Thank you for your friendship ๐
November 1, 2021 at 3:43 am
Thank you Walt, for your poetry and your kindness and your friendship!
November 2, 2021 at 1:14 pm
My pleasure dear friend ๐