Some days I wander around my house, feeling lost and disconnected, no grip on the texture of the morning or the space around me. I write about having forgotten who I am, but the truth is that I have never really known. My life has been a series of failed attempts at being who I believe others want me to be, failed attempts at being kind, having substance, living with interest and curiosity. I am not curious. I am simply hanging on, waiting for something that never comes because it has no shape, because the edges are dull, because the layers are a fiction, a fantasy, a ruse. I keep hoping that the horizon holds something for me, something that will glue me back together, lift me out of the ground. The horizon lies; it looks close enough to touch but is forever looming, taunting, out of reach.
When I was young, I thought I was supposed to be beautiful, was taught that beauty lives on the skin and the physical impression you leave behind when you have left the room; no-one talked of the beauty on the inside. The inside can’t be seen. I tried to be beautiful, but beauty is the luck of genetics, a luck I didn’t have, so instead, I retreated into shadows and marked up my skin; anything to be unseen. Being unseen is lonely, grows tiresome, has a weight that becomes unbearable. It is also an addiction, a habit, a way to give meaning to your life . It leaves you wandering and lost, looking for shapes in the darkness, coming up empty handed. But still you search.
I came to define myself by what ailed me, by loss and blindness, the afflictions of self loathing and now those that come with the cruel strike of the clock. I will always struggle with the emptiness and the wandering, unable to take shape or give off light, but I also understand that the inside can be seen, through poetry and art and acts of kindness. Perhaps the horizon isn’t a villain after all, but is there to guide the way, to remind us that life is both beautiful and unruly, cruel and abundantly generous.
September 26, 2021 at 5:45 am
You’re a beautiful person, both inside and out, and your writing is a gorgeous extension of that❤️
September 26, 2021 at 5:53 am
Thank you, Lovely Suzanne! I find myself thinking about all of the baggage my parents unknowingly gave to me and my siblings, but not with blame; they were good parents who came with their own struggles and flaws. Now that I am the age my Mom was when she died, I am thinking about her even more than usual. I suppose it is all about mortality and it becoming so real. I am also on a constant trek to figure out how to navigate a life spent mostly in the chaos of my own head. I try and try to find new subject matter, but I may have a bit of the one trick pony about me. Hahahaha!!! I am, as ever, so grateful for you and your friendship!
September 26, 2021 at 6:50 am
I hear that–I always say about myself that I’ve got a brain like car crash, or a jukebox that never shuts off. We’re lucky that we can channel that chaos into writing. And I consider myself so lucky that I found you!
September 26, 2021 at 1:12 pm
A jukebox that never shuts off….I love that! xoxoxoxo
September 26, 2021 at 6:51 am
If my hug that I am holding you tightly in from my soul right in this minute touches you beautiful lady, then you will feel my heartfelt gratitude in the moment I read these precious words. Your soul deep feelings have touched deep and healed a lost part of me across the miles. Thank you.❤ xxx
September 26, 2021 at 1:13 pm
I am so glad, my friend, and so grateful to have you in my life. You are a true light in this world!
September 26, 2021 at 1:20 pm
Oh, how this speaks to me! Perhaps that’s why we find each other over the ether – spirts calling out to the horizon and beautifully familiar voices call back to keep us going. Much love to you ❤️
September 27, 2021 at 10:19 am
You turned my thoughts into poetry, Rita, gave them heart. I love that. So much love to you, my friend! xoxoxo
September 27, 2021 at 11:09 am
❤️❤️❤️
September 26, 2021 at 5:22 pm
Nice sentiment there at the end. Kindness sets humans apart from all of life. It can, if chosen, define us.
I too have approached living as more a waiting. Being available for crisis and calamity, there as support, there to provide foundation for others. Neither martyr or victim, I seem content to wait. And we all know what I ultimately wait for.
September 27, 2021 at 2:10 am
Sadly our parents were never mirrored so they lacked the skill to teach us how to love ourselves as we are not for what we do, how we appear, or what impression we try to make.. I hope in time you come to find and love all of you I know poetry is such a doorway into the pain and in this way makes it real for us so we can find our own new horizon.. I know that journey and its tough but it has huge rewards, you are perfect as you are, perfectly made, perfectly imperfect, we all are ❤
September 27, 2021 at 10:23 am
Thank you, my friend! As. get older, I learn to see my parents as less flawed and more human; hopefully I will learn to be as forgiving with myself one day.
September 27, 2021 at 6:18 pm
Ot goes both ways really. Considering what a lot if our parents came out if forgiveness seemed the realest solution. That said we have to really feel that suffering and integrate it, knowing it was not personal. You should check out Mark Wolynn. He was going blind until he started doing the ancestral work. Hearing him speak about it a month ago really made me think of you. You can watch his videos on You Tube.
September 28, 2021 at 7:46 am
I will definitely check him out; Thank you!
September 27, 2021 at 7:36 am
So beautifully written, Susan. Youth is often a tumultuous time where beauty is never understood or appreciated. There’s so much to be discovered beneath the external layer. And this wisdom comes only with learning and time. Keep writing and inspiring. 🙂
September 27, 2021 at 10:23 am
Yes!!! Thank you so much, Terveen!
September 28, 2021 at 6:59 am
“Life is both beautiful and unruly, cruel and abundantly generous.”
Susan, what a beautiful post. That last sentence took my breath away. Thank you for writing it. I will come back to thah when I need a remainder. Life, in my words, is a trash can. I like your description so much more. ❤️
September 28, 2021 at 7:02 am
Oh man, stupid autocorrect. 🤦🏻♀️ I’ll come back to that when I need a reminder.
September 28, 2021 at 7:48 am
Auto correct makes life more interesting!!!! Love you, Lady!
September 28, 2021 at 7:47 am
Thank you, Sweet T! You have taught me much about hope and light since I have known you!
October 2, 2021 at 5:28 am
I think one of the most difficult things I’ve realized at this season in life is that, even though I’m bone tired and soul exhausted, I am the horizon. Whenever I seek it, here I am. I am not saying that is true for you! Just something I think about al lot as I’m days away from 50! Love to you, as always, Susan. 💜
October 2, 2021 at 7:59 am
I love this, Angela! Thank you for sharing your insight and your poetry. I have missed your words and your spirit! Sending love!
October 3, 2021 at 3:21 pm
Love to you as well!
October 2, 2021 at 5:43 am
Susan, I’ll never tire of saying how beautiful you are. You wouldn’t be able to write like this if you weren’t. Big hugs!
October 2, 2021 at 8:00 am
So much love to you, B! Thank you xoxo
October 2, 2021 at 9:41 am
You are welcome. Always a big fan of yours, lovely lady!
October 2, 2021 at 7:45 am
Feeling lost and disconnected; hanging on; waiting… all of these seem to be states of being that many of us can relate to at the moment in this weird mess of a world we find ourselves in. But writing is one way of maintaining some connection and sense of purpose – even if it’s only to know that others are nodding their heads in agreement. Don’t stop writing… 🙂
October 2, 2021 at 8:01 am
I am so hearing this! Thank you so much for your support and for your always kind and thoughtful words!
October 7, 2021 at 1:38 pm
I am writing a book about a visually impaired woman in her thirties. She is blind, but only since a car accident. Would you be able to help me with any research so that I get the facts right in my story?
October 9, 2021 at 11:43 am
Hi. I would be happy to be of help, if I can.
October 9, 2021 at 1:40 pm
Is it okay if I send you the first chapter to see what you think.
October 10, 2021 at 4:39 am
Of course! You can send it to storiesfromtheedeofblindness@gmail.com
October 11, 2021 at 11:59 am
Hi – It is actually easier if you email me through my website https://floweringink.com I am looking forward to reading your first chapter!
October 11, 2021 at 12:57 pm
I will send tomorrow.