In my middle aged face, I see both echoes of youth and glimpses of what I will be as an old woman, but my reflection today is muddled. I am unrecognisable. My eyes grow cloudy with the passing of days and the shape of my jaw takes on the weight of decades steeped in grief. I can no longer turn the odd curves of my face into something palatable. My features change with the seasons, grow heavy with the stress of caring for loved ones, watching them die. One day I will be the whisper of a wraith, but today I am clay moulded by the hands of time, prisoner to the piercing fingers of the clock. What was colourful is now grey, no green pastures on the other side. I am aching bones and sallow skin and scars born of an unwelcome wisdom. I am creaking knees and pain so sharp, it wakes me from sleep, although my sleep is shallow now, plucked from my grasp by hormones that betray me, fill me with fire and sadness and anger, all without roots or reason. I am a farce of time, a perpetual act of coming unhinged. I am middle aged. I am invisible.
floweringink
I am a writer, going blind in Los Angeles. This blog is my story of a slow approach to darkness as I traverse through the rubble of urban life. It is what I see in the withering spaces of my remaining vision. It is humor and despair and darkness and light. It is what I witness as the world slowly disappears.
46 thoughts on “Palatable”
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September 18, 2021 at 5:01 am
This is so beautiful, Susan. Though there are hints of sadness, it is also powerful. To reach such a point one must journey through so many difficult weathers. You have pulled through it all. And there’s still a long road ahead. You have the experience and confidence to burn rubber.
Go girl! You’ve got what it takes. 🙂
September 18, 2021 at 5:17 am
You are Lovely and Good, Terveen! You have be instrumental in inspiring me to write again and return to Blogging. Thank you!💕💕
September 18, 2021 at 7:38 am
You are lovely, Susan. And very strong. 🙂
September 19, 2021 at 2:47 am
Thank you!
September 18, 2021 at 6:59 am
Thrilled to read your beautiful haunting words, Susan. I love this piece.
September 18, 2021 at 7:01 am
Sending you all the love, Sarah! I hope you are safe and well and the kittens are providing endless entertainment!!! I have missed you!
September 18, 2021 at 7:15 am
The kittens are endless entertaining, the sweetest nicest cats, and my favorite people.
September 18, 2021 at 7:16 am
They are such cutie pies!
September 18, 2021 at 10:35 am
I finally found true love. ❤️
September 19, 2021 at 2:49 am
They are loyal, affectionate and always show up for dinner!!
September 19, 2021 at 7:12 am
Hahaha. They make me laugh, watch me dance, and kill all my bugs! ❤️
September 18, 2021 at 7:16 am
I have missed you too! One day I will go to Ireland! Sending you all the love and all the feathers.
September 19, 2021 at 2:45 am
All the feathers, my dear friend!!!!!
September 18, 2021 at 7:24 am
This is great, Susan.
September 19, 2021 at 2:47 am
Thank you so much, River!!! Joe and I were talking about you on our walk yesterday! I think you would love this part of Ireland!
September 20, 2021 at 2:38 pm
I certainly hope to make it there someday.
September 18, 2021 at 10:21 am
life is tough
and when light fades
rough
best wishes
suzy
September 19, 2021 at 2:48 am
Thanks, Jon! Hope you are doing well!
September 18, 2021 at 11:08 am
💙
September 19, 2021 at 2:52 am
Thank you!
September 19, 2021 at 6:10 am
You’re welcome.
September 18, 2021 at 1:57 pm
I have felt this, more than once.
p.s. I see you
September 19, 2021 at 2:50 am
Thank you, my friend!
September 18, 2021 at 6:03 pm
Outstanding, Susan ❤️
September 19, 2021 at 2:50 am
Thank you, Lovely Rita! I hope you and yours are safe and well! xoxoxo
September 19, 2021 at 3:36 am
You are most welcome, Sweetheart. We are hanging in there.
I’m glad this comment got through. I commented on the last post but I guess it got spammed. Lots of love ❤️
September 19, 2021 at 5:23 am
I have been so disjointed this past year, with moving and the virus etc. I never check the spam. I am, as ever, so incredibly grateful for your love and support! Love to you, Rita!!!
September 19, 2021 at 5:25 am
❤️❤️
September 19, 2021 at 12:06 am
A face holding traces of youth, and hints of what is coming — excellent description. It’s great to tead your unique thoughts again!
September 19, 2021 at 2:51 am
Thank you so much, B! Sending you bug hugs! xoxoxo
September 21, 2021 at 4:58 am
Got them, and send you some more!
September 19, 2021 at 5:25 am
You are also a brilliant writer and wonderful friend, definitely not invisible to me❤️
September 19, 2021 at 6:08 am
Thank you, Lovely One!!! I am not dealing well with this ageing thing; I know what mid life crisis means now. I swear I just woke up one day and my whole body had changed. What the hell is that about?!:)
September 19, 2021 at 6:57 am
I know! I’m at the point where things I didn’t know I had are hurting!
September 19, 2021 at 7:04 am
Right? I am starting to fondly remember the days of turning over in bed without it being an epic production, which of course gets me angry then despondent, then…..well, poor Joe is all I can say.
September 19, 2021 at 7:13 am
Poor Ken too—he spends a lot of time massaging my shoulder!
September 20, 2021 at 7:29 am
Every morning when I look in the mirror, I wonder what the hell happened. Who is THAT person? But, at the same time, I remind myself that getting old is a gift, not a guarantee. Though my nipples now point directly towards the earth and my back creaks like an old wooden door, I am thankful. There is only one alternative, and I am super not down with that just yet. In the lines of your face is the story of a life lived, and nothing about that is invisible; it’s beautiful. Lots of love, my friend. ❤️
September 20, 2021 at 12:06 pm
I love you, T! You always remind me of the beauty of what lives on the other side! Thank you, my friend!
September 20, 2021 at 7:47 am
the invisibility is palpable, a contradiction, but true nonetheless
September 20, 2021 at 12:06 pm
Exactly, Mark!
September 21, 2021 at 6:39 am
I respectfully disagree. You are a LOT more than that.
September 21, 2021 at 11:22 am
Thank you, Steve!!! You are very good! I am clearly not dealing with this ageing thing very well!:). On another note, I am here to read more of your novel any time you are ready to start writing again!!!! I need to know what happens, please!!!!
September 21, 2021 at 11:25 am
Will do, but the motivation has been lacking lately. Maybe I can clean up what I wrote , send you what I have so far and see what u think
September 21, 2021 at 11:31 am
You can send me anything anytime. I totally get the lacking motivation thing; it happens and it will pass, as you know. This has been a strange and fucked up year; it’s hard to feel creative when the world is upside-down.
September 21, 2021 at 11:45 am
Will definitely consider it……it has been a fucked up 18 months and certainly seems like we still have a lot more to endure 🥺
October 18, 2021 at 8:45 am
Oh how I felt this in my core!