I am happy, but unsettled. Monumental life changes during a pandemic are, understandably, wrought with complexities; the thought of holding onto moments of happiness feels somehow criminal, undeserved. Covid has left the world in stasis, and although I am living in a new country, I feel I have only seen glimpses of the town I now call home. Beautiful glimpses, but still…. The virus has stitched a shell over the sun, spread a new brand of silence across the sky. Strangers long for each other in unexplored and unexpected ways. I live my contentment in whispers now, hold joy close to my chest, like a secret. Who am I to have these things, when so much has been lost? I know I am lucky.
Do not confuse feeling unsettled with doubt. I have no doubts about the decision to shed a life that was strangled by heat and the kind of violence only a city can offer up as daily garnish. I have no doubts about trading in that life for one that is awash in green and love and more possibility than I could have imagined. I have no doubts about abandoning the noise and taking the quiet gently into my hands. I am unsettled, but I know I have made the right choice.
For now, I live as if in a dream, on the precipice of daring to imagine that one day I will awaken to the sounds of a new world, one no longer trapped under the thumb of fear . I secretly yearn for the backdrop to reveal itself, to show me who I can become in this new place, or what parts of myself I can rediscover. The mist may have descended for a time, but I finally feel certain that it will clear. This, I now realise, is the nature of hope.
And so, perhaps happiness will hold its breath for just a while longer, wait patiently for me to peel back the layers and look clearly into the eyes of this new life I have forged for myself. I am content in this new longing, in this new waiting. I have already waited lifetimes.
January 12, 2021 at 8:24 am
Ah, such beauty in your words. And I’m so happy that you’re in such a wonderful environment, even during lockdown:-)
January 12, 2021 at 8:30 am
Thank you, Lovely One!! I feel so incredibly lucky every minute of the day. I think people are learning so much about love and happiness and what those things truly mean. I hope so anyway.
I adore the hell out of you!!!! xoxoxoxo
January 12, 2021 at 10:15 am
to the new year Susan!
January 12, 2021 at 10:24 am
To the new year, John!
January 12, 2021 at 11:24 am
The lyricism of Ireland so clearly in you, your words. May 2021 be all it can be for you and yours.
January 12, 2021 at 11:27 am
Thank you so much, Eric! Happy New Year to you, my friend!
January 12, 2021 at 11:56 am
So nice to read your words and hear your heart today!
January 12, 2021 at 3:15 pm
Oh, you are wonderful! Thank you so much! It is so nice to see you here!
January 12, 2021 at 3:17 pm
You’re welcome! Keep writing and sharing. 😊
January 12, 2021 at 5:24 pm
Cheers, Susan! Here’s to hope. 💜
January 13, 2021 at 2:52 am
Angela!!!! How are you? Sending hugs and love!
January 13, 2021 at 4:34 am
Hello!!! It has been so lovely to read your words and to hear about your move. I was thinking of you. I can only imagine the beauty of your new homeland and am so thankful for the seed of hope it’s brought. I hope to hear more!
It’s been a rough year! We lost my father-in-law to COVID about 2 months after we lost my mom, so we are all just trying to heal amidst the chaos. We are focusing on love!
January 13, 2021 at 7:07 am
Oh, Angela, I am so sorry. I am sending more love to you. You and your family are in my thoughts.
January 13, 2021 at 7:22 am
Thank you. 💜
January 12, 2021 at 6:38 pm
My god, this post was stunning. You are so talented, Susan, and express yourself so effortlessly. Though times are weird and you can’t fully explore all the lushness and beauty around you, thank God you are there and not in LA. So much joy and possibilities await you, and I know you will do amazing things over there. Exhibit A: this blog post. I am happy for you, my friend. Please allow yourself to feel that, along with the excitement of something new and not yet explored. It’s okay. You deserve it. Big hug and lots of love. xo
January 13, 2021 at 2:54 am
Tanya, I so adore you, my friend. Thank you for your encouragement and your friendship! You always make my day brighter! All the love! xoxoxo
January 12, 2021 at 6:59 pm
Absolutely beautiful, Susan. What a wonderful post!!!!
January 13, 2021 at 2:54 am
Rita, you beautiful soul! Thank you so much! A bug hug and lots of love to you! xoxoxoxo
January 12, 2021 at 11:19 pm
I’m sure it will. It’s patient.
I love this post and I love you.
January 13, 2021 at 2:55 am
I love and adore you, Gorgeous Lady! Thank you for always being in my corner!
January 14, 2021 at 9:17 am
You are better off where you are. This country is nothing more than a ranging dumpster fire, as I am sure you already know. It is very sad and depressing. Infuriating too!
January 17, 2021 at 3:37 am
It is all so sad, but I have to believe there is hope with the incoming government. I hope you are safe and well, my friend!
January 16, 2021 at 11:57 am
How lovely to read your poetic post from your new and happy place in the world…I feel the same when moments of exquisite bliss come over me but it’s those present moments that show us our resilience and longing to help…we are in this together and words like yours brings us closer.
January 17, 2021 at 3:39 am
You are, as ever, a bright light in my world!! Thank you so much!!!
January 19, 2021 at 1:40 pm
My pleasure!
January 21, 2021 at 2:38 pm
Ireland must be beautiful. I’ve always wanted to visit it. Who knows, maybe when all this is over. In the meantime, I can only imagine the beauty you’ll experience when spring comes.
January 25, 2021 at 4:33 am
I would love for you to come here, B! I am still holding my breath every day to make sure it is all real; being around beautiful landscape really does make a difference in the condition of the heart. All the love to you, my friend!!
January 29, 2021 at 8:10 am
❤️
April 3, 2021 at 7:21 am
You are like a breath of fresh air dear friend. Your words inspire me and they always bring peace to my soul. When I read your work, for a moment I am pain free, and that means more to me than you know. I am scheduled for surgery on the 29th to repair an earlier repair of an abdominal hernia. Your words will be with me. ❤
April 5, 2021 at 8:52 am
Oh Walt, you are a light in the world, my friend. Even when you are in pain, you find the time to spread kindness. I am very grateful to know you. I will be thinking of you and I am sure you are going to be on the mend before you know it. Sending love and all my best to you and Susan and your family!!!
April 11, 2021 at 6:44 pm
Thank you so much Susan for your always kind words 😊❤