I am in the grip of a storm. I don’t do well in a storm. I can barely breathe, barely blink. I am drowning. I have forgotten that I am supposed to keep my eye on the surface, stretch to the moon, take hold of happiness no matter how fleeting. I have lost the words, lost the feeling in my fingers and in my bones. I am a stranger. I am about to turn 50 and I am a stranger in a body I loathe and abuse. I don’t recognize the shape of my mouth or this new sadness that slashes it. I have been waiting a lifetime for it all to get easier, just a bit easier. It just gets harder, creaks, shrieks, breaks. I am not who I was supposed to be. I can’t remember where I was lost or when I gave up on being found. I try to smudge out my reflection, fracture it, run from it, pretend that I am not this frail flesh, this breaking heart, this ugliness. I try to write poems, but they are empty, made of air, burn up before they can draw breath.
May 13, 2019 at 8:37 am
Susan. Dear Susan… what a powerful story you pen. How I am to react, leaves me questioning. How you are, who you are… is a person only you can make peace with. Befriend. Acknowledge. Find her again, Susan because she is light and love. She is. x
May 13, 2019 at 8:45 am
Kim said it beautifully. You need to do it by yourself. We all know it and love you, regardless. Always and forever.
May 13, 2019 at 8:48 am
Thank you, Gorgeous! I love and adore you! Everything always seems to come crashing in all at once. Hopefully, one day I will write about it, less cryptically.
May 13, 2019 at 8:50 am
I know, hun. I wish I could help. The thing is, such battles/demons are only ours to fight for a good reason.
May 13, 2019 at 2:10 pm
I get you Shsan xxxxx
May 13, 2019 at 2:20 pm
So much love to you Lorraine. xoxo
May 15, 2019 at 5:20 am
She did say it so beautifully! I’m honored to be of support and offer friendship. Love to you, Susan. I think we often find what we are looking for – we make theories and go about finding supportive evidence of them. I think that’s both our greatest fault and greatest strength! You’ll find you because you’re looking. Love to you, my friend. 💜
May 18, 2019 at 6:01 am
Thank you so much, Angela. Love to you!
May 18, 2019 at 6:35 am
You’re so welcome!
May 13, 2019 at 8:47 am
You are love and goodness, Kim! Thank you, so much, my friend!
May 13, 2019 at 8:51 am
❤
May 13, 2019 at 8:49 am
I believe in YOU and YOU are a lot stronger than YOU feel, know to be, and give yourself credit for. Regardless of what storm comes your way, YOU always come out of it. You may be drenched, but you’re still standing. Sending love and a big hug. XOXO 💛🌷
May 13, 2019 at 8:53 am
I love you Lady! And I miss you! Things have gotten crazier, which I will tell you all about when I see you (which I am determined to do, despite the chaos). Thank you for being in my life!!!
May 13, 2019 at 9:05 am
I hope this was cathartic. I never know the best way to respond when I see your words of distress. All I can think of is there is and always has been an inner light, otherwise it would be impossible for you to craft the beauty of your words, no matter how dark they may be.
Besides, being 50 isn’t so bad. Wait until you hit 60. At that point there is no bullshitting about the fact that middle age is on the verge of saying bye-bye
May 13, 2019 at 9:09 am
You always respond beautifully and truthfully and I so appreciate that Steve! You also make me smile and laugh and get me out of my crazy, and that is priceless. Thank you!
May 13, 2019 at 5:16 pm
I’ll send you my bill soon 😆
May 14, 2019 at 6:01 am
….and the first chapters of your novel, please!
May 14, 2019 at 6:02 am
Whenever I get to it
May 13, 2019 at 9:10 am
And in your expressing this, there is the poetry, you just ooze it, Susan. Bravo for writing about it. In your despair there is beauty and humanity and you draw us in yet again. Goddess of poetry. All my love. ❤️
May 13, 2019 at 9:14 am
Oh Sarah, you bring so much beauty and love into my life. You know my struggles better than most and you help me stay grounded. Thank you! Love you!
May 13, 2019 at 9:11 am
Susan……..sending you light and love and kindness your way.
May 13, 2019 at 9:14 am
Thank you so much, Wendi!
May 13, 2019 at 10:29 am
I so wish I knew what to say……..
May 13, 2019 at 2:18 pm
You always do, Wendi! You are always so good and kind and I appreciate it so very much! You are lovely!
May 13, 2019 at 9:34 am
If I had one wish for you, it would be that you could see yourself the way we all see you–a bright and beautiful beacon full of light and love:-) Also, your poetry is incredible–never doubt yourself for a second.
May 13, 2019 at 2:17 pm
You are so extraordinary Suzanne! I am so grateful to have you in my life and in my corner. Thank you for always being so kind! xoxoxo
May 13, 2019 at 4:51 pm
Always in your corner ❤️
May 13, 2019 at 9:44 am
it s still you suze
wiser
better
so be
yaself
always
remember dawn dunn!
May 13, 2019 at 2:18 pm
Thank you John!
May 13, 2019 at 12:28 pm
Please know that many people care. Some you know better than others, but we all care. Fifty is a milestone; middle age. Some things get easier, some harder. You are a great lady, Susan. You are mo
May 13, 2019 at 12:34 pm
You are a better typist than I. I started to say, you are more Dom Perignon than Sutter Home. Blessings.
May 13, 2019 at 2:20 pm
You are wonderful and good and kind, George! Thank you so much!
May 13, 2019 at 2:52 pm
trim your sails and use this storm to your advantage…your self-honesty is a great strength Susan
May 14, 2019 at 5:58 am
Thank you, Mark! I love this!
May 13, 2019 at 4:08 pm
What powerful writing so achingly written. Such verification of your talent. And fifty is the new thirty, haven’t you heard? Your voice will blossom with sureness and wisdom. Fifty is a good age. It can make you more daring and assured with your gifts, and that is amazing.
May 14, 2019 at 5:59 am
Thank you, Steven, so much! This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I thought I was going to be totally cool with turning 50, but clearly I was mistaken. However, reading this makes it better!
May 14, 2019 at 2:52 pm
It’ll be totally cool the day after. 😉
May 18, 2019 at 6:00 am
You were totally right, Steven!!!!
May 13, 2019 at 4:22 pm
heart wrenching, gut wrenching, just wrenching. i am feeling you. love!!! xxxoooee
May 14, 2019 at 6:00 am
Thank you my friend! You are in my heart and thoughts! xoxoxo
May 13, 2019 at 8:09 pm
❤️❤️ forever!
May 14, 2019 at 6:01 am
Thank you, Beautiful Rita! Love you!
May 13, 2019 at 10:52 pm
xoxoxo…
May 14, 2019 at 6:01 am
Thank you!
May 14, 2019 at 5:05 am
What they said ^^^^^^^.
On the occasions you find the energy and time to lift others up, as you so often do, keep a bit for yourself to lift Susan up. You have the kindest, most generous heart, keep some for yourself ☺️.
I’m in my 5th decade. I don’t know how I got here, but it’s quite liberating! I’m still 18, but with 32 years experience. 😉
May 14, 2019 at 6:04 am
Thank you so much, my friend! I haven’t been feeling like a very supportive person lately, so I am incredibly grateful that you see good in me. I love the 18 with 32 years experience. I feel exactly the same way. I really need to get the hell over myself and just be happy I made it this far. I honestly never thought I would. You are the loveliest, Ms. Echo! xoxoxoxo
May 14, 2019 at 8:20 am
I can feel your pain, Susan! I’m less than two years from turning 50 myself and already I can feel it pressing down on me that I can barely breathe! We WILL get through this! Also know that you are NOT alone, k?
May 14, 2019 at 8:34 am
Thank you so much, Carrie Ann! I am so grateful that we are friends!
May 21, 2019 at 9:42 am
You are always in my thoughts Susan. Regards
May 21, 2019 at 10:03 am
Thank you, Lakshmi!