This isn’t a pretty story. Most of my stories aren’t, but this one is tough. Not tough like woe is me and I need to feel loved and get reassurance tough, just stripped down to the most vulnerable place kind of tough. I debate about writing these posts and sharing them, but it is from these dark places that the truth gets uncovered. Some may read my blog and think, “here she goes again with her narcissistic journal entry crap”, but I have been a disappointment so often in my life, the idea of not pleasing everyone isn’t new to me. My hope is that in sharing from the bleakest parts of my heart, I will help someone else understand that they are not alone in their own struggles.
Depression has such strong hands. It creates a hollowness so heavy, I can’t move. I can barely breathe. Every day, for weeks, I have been sitting at my desk, staring at my computer, feeling the burden of my failures so keenly. I try to write, but my work has no feeling, no truth. It is all just words that I can’t put together right, words that have no meaning. I think that maybe I am not supposed to be a writer. I am disconnected from it. Feeling is much too hard right now. Poetry has no anchor in emptiness.
I manage to walk the dogs and I see my father twice a week, but besides that, I wait for Joe to come home, for it to be late enough to start drinking. I escape into the bottle. I turn my hollowness into mist that makes the pain imperceptible. I stumble through my evenings, running from the need to tear away my skin. I contemplate pills and razor blades, the thought of just not being anymore. When I am drunk, I contemplate these things without sadness or fear. I have a problem.
I fell in love with booze at a young age. The first time I got drunk, stumbling, reeling, passing out drunk, I was 12. It was the first time I felt the burden of my existence become weightless. It didn’t matter that I was strange or ugly. Nothing mattered. I thought I had found the cure for self loathing. I was wrong. I continued through my life, a bottle in one hand, the self loathing, failures and depression in the other. Then blindness came and filled my throat with a despair I thought could only be quelled with alcohol.
When it became impossible to deny that I had a problem, I still refused to say I had a drinking problem. It wasn’t the booze, it was just a tendency toward compulsive behaviors. A compulsivity problem. I kept drinking. Life kept getting harder. I drank more.
I reach for the bottle to wash away stresses that are overwhelming, or small. I reach for the bottle to celebrate. I reach for the bottle to escape myself, to forget what I have become, what I have always been. I reach for the bottle so I can have a few hours of not feeling sad. I reach for the bottle so I can sleep. I reach for the bottle to silence my dreams.
I don’t want to stop drinking. I don’t think drinking is a bad thing. It’s fun. It’s fun to laugh and get crazy, to be a little bit out of control. I want to be the person who can drink on the weekend, or just have a glass of wine with dinner. I am not that person. I have a problem. I am ashamed and afraid. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to have yet another thing to contend with, another failing, another mark on my already decimated record. I don’t want to admit it or face it. But, I have to. I have a problem. I have a drinking problem.
March 23, 2019 at 9:12 am
Well done for coming out like that! You could’ve left off with the bitch bit but you won’t until you’re ready. Okay, bitch. Raising a glass of red wine. It used to be a problem but I can have a glass or two now and then, lucky me. I left others with the same problem behind me, finally restful in their graves. Young, both. One 42, the other 58. It takes a while for the liver and pancreas to pack up, perhaps start looking out for these organs about now. Much regard!!
March 23, 2019 at 11:11 am
Thank you! I know that part of me having to face the reality this is that I am turning 50 in May and I want to be a clear headed healthier 50.
March 23, 2019 at 11:16 am
Healthy at 50 and older is a great thing! Good luck!
March 23, 2019 at 12:02 pm
There’s a drink you can make. Dried Valerian root, origanum and rosemary. Three teaspoonfuls of the dried valerian per 750ml with as many sticks of the herbs in. Relaxes one wonderfully for those bad days. Helps for sleeping well. Let it steep overnight or at least 12 hrs.
March 23, 2019 at 12:18 pm
I know just where I can get these things. I will give it a try. Thank you!
March 24, 2019 at 12:10 am
It doesn’t taste nice with just the valerian but with the origanum and rosemary it gets a bit better. Experiment with nutmeg too.
March 24, 2019 at 7:10 am
I like nutmeg!!!!
March 23, 2019 at 12:03 pm
Valerian is the base element of Valium, but better as it isn’t addictive and wholly organic. – and cheaper!
March 23, 2019 at 9:14 am
Just last week, we went to see out friends. He has just completed treatment for cancer. his wife was going through a difficult phase, She has been into depression many time over the years. She said she feels tired all the time and does not feel like doing anything and nothing interests her. She kept asking me whether I know anyone who is having depression. I told her about a friend who has bi polar depression. I told my friend she would soon be better and that she should not feel that she is going into depression deliberately. It is something that is happening to her. I just hugged her as we took leave. We have never met Susan but you have become as dear to me as this friend. I wish you all the best.
March 23, 2019 at 11:13 am
Lakshmi, you have warmed my heart more than you know. You always help me see the beauty in things, the compassion and love. Thank you, so much. I am so grateful we are friends.
March 23, 2019 at 9:28 am
Oh Susan. Thank you my precious beautiful Anam Cara. My soul friend. My soul sister. Because that is how I see you. I knew as I started to read your words that they would touch me once again so very deeply. That somehow from deep within your beautiful honest soul I would feel a deep connection. As if you had entered my mind, my memories and found the words that would make sense to me. Thank you precious, amazing lady. Thank you ❤ xxx
March 23, 2019 at 11:14 am
Trizia, you are such a beautiful and kind and bright soul and I am so thankful you have come into my life!
March 24, 2019 at 1:09 am
❤❤❤ xxx
March 23, 2019 at 9:29 am
You are brave and real and I love you for being you. I wish I had your strength.
March 23, 2019 at 11:15 am
You have so much strength, Yassy, so much talent and beauty and truth. Thank you for your support and kindness!
March 23, 2019 at 11:38 am
Thank you , Susan. You are a brave heart and I think if you put your mind to it , your mind is strong enough to do anything!!
March 23, 2019 at 11:39 am
Thank you, my friend!
March 23, 2019 at 9:31 am
we all have problems
mine is porn
so there you go
March 23, 2019 at 11:16 am
I absolutely adore you John!!! You totally made me laugh!!! Thank you!
March 23, 2019 at 10:29 am
sending you love, dear. i have been where you are with booze. i deeply feel your plight (if plight is an accurate description of your current orientation to alcohol). i feel you, friend. xoe
March 23, 2019 at 11:17 am
Thank you, ee!!! Love you!
March 23, 2019 at 11:00 am
Poetic, dark, brutal, honest and beautiful. I feel like, though I dont drink too much, that I can relate in those feelings of wanting to escape, run from my own thoughts and feelings of despair through a “harmless” bottle. I think you accomplished what you set out to do; to reach someone. Thank you for this.
March 23, 2019 at 11:19 am
This means the world to me! Thank you for taking the time to read this and to tell me this! I think we all have our ways of escaping and that we need to escape sometimes; it’s healthy. I suppose it is the balance between reality and escape that is the place to strive for.
March 23, 2019 at 6:42 pm
I think you’re right and it’s up to us to find that healthy balance. I find music helps me. I hope you find that balance as well and take care of yourself 💜
March 24, 2019 at 7:05 am
Music helps me too. I grew up in a very musical family! I think I need a good afternoon of turning up the volume and dancing like crazy around my house!!!! Thank you!
March 24, 2019 at 8:04 am
My dad’s a musician so I grew up playing music! Yeah, I think I need an afternoon like that too. I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend 🙂
March 24, 2019 at 8:05 am
Thank you! You too!!!
March 23, 2019 at 11:46 am
Your honesty is beautiful and brave. Keep writing, even when it doesn’t make sense.
March 23, 2019 at 12:17 pm
Thank you, so much!
March 23, 2019 at 12:00 pm
I wish you all the best my friend!
March 23, 2019 at 12:18 pm
Thank you, Bill! I hope your projects are going well!
March 23, 2019 at 3:12 pm
My pleasure! And, they are… thank you!
March 23, 2019 at 12:16 pm
I agree with Piano Girl – honesty with oneself is maybe the most brave we can be. It’s certainly the most difficult, but you have done exactly that. Keep writing. Maybe this is exactly what you’re supposed to be writing about. So much love to you, Susan.
March 23, 2019 at 12:19 pm
Thank you, Angela! Love you!
March 23, 2019 at 12:56 pm
Love you too!
March 23, 2019 at 12:32 pm
I feel your pain…it once was mine. I hardly drink anymore…I feel it multiplies the (bad) feelings. I started listening (or reading, but audio is so much easier and I can get more ‘reading’ in a day) to only inspirational, positive or otherwise uplifting information in the form of books, TEDtalks, Oprah interviews (supersoulsunday), and from there, like all internet, one thing led to another and now I have a “motivational-information-obsession” ~ I’m always listening to something that pulls me up. I hope you find your balance, your joy.
March 23, 2019 at 12:34 pm
Thank you so much, KC. I am so glad that you found a new and healthier path. Like depression, booze lies.
March 23, 2019 at 12:59 pm
Darlin’, I have nothing but admiration, faith and love for you. Your honesty is like liquid gold flooding my heart.
Also, reading this brought an image to the forefront of my mind – I can see myself standing on a kitchen chair to find the bottle I kept hidden from my family so I could take the edge off my sorrow and get through the coming day. I liked to drink alone.
You are so much stronger than I was, my dear.
You are not alone. You will never be alone in this. We love you.
March 23, 2019 at 1:04 pm
Amen to that. You are most definitely NOT alone. 💜
March 23, 2019 at 1:31 pm
I am so lucky to have you in my life!
March 23, 2019 at 1:56 pm
And I, you!
March 23, 2019 at 1:30 pm
Oh Rita, I am so grateful for you. Truly. Thank you so much, for bringing me into your world. I Love you!
March 23, 2019 at 1:41 pm
Susan, I truly love you. I’ve always been blessed with the ability to find the most exquisite souls to connect with in this life. The kind that are made of tough-stuff and real love. YOU are one of the most amazing.
This ain’t nothing but another wall to tear down. We are more than willing to be there whenever you need us.
March 23, 2019 at 1:56 pm
We are!
March 23, 2019 at 2:02 pm
❤️❤️
March 23, 2019 at 2:11 pm
We can’t fix a problem until we realize it needs to be fixed. Way to go.
March 23, 2019 at 3:02 pm
Thank you!!!
March 23, 2019 at 2:53 pm
I think you’re brave. Acknowledging the problem is the first step.
March 23, 2019 at 3:04 pm
Thank you, B! It’s been coming for a long time; I have even written about it before, but it is starting to fuck with my life in new ways. I want to feel my mind clear again. xoxo
March 24, 2019 at 1:25 am
Get off SM, do sth else for a change and when it comes to writing, you need to get out of your comfort zone, try sth else, write about sth else, find a new voice and way of expression. Tell us about the city more, about the people you meet, tell us sth that made you laugh, that made you think, anything different. Only then will you be able to write more.
Anyway, it’s April soon so can share other poet’s work and learn sth new.
Hugs and kisses.
March 24, 2019 at 7:15 am
Thank you, B! First I have to clear my head, but distancing myself from social media is something I definitely need to do. I am the ultimate procrastinator!!!
March 24, 2019 at 7:51 am
I’m already doing it and feel so much lighter. I’m so tired.
March 23, 2019 at 5:33 pm
I feel for you. I understand the need to escape. As you said, it’s all about balance. Easier said than done, of course. But I have faith in you. You are great, unique and, despite what you are thinking, born to be a writer. Even this post proves it.
As always, you have my love.
March 24, 2019 at 7:03 am
Thank you so much B! I am sending so much love and gratitude your way!
March 27, 2019 at 3:01 am
I’ve missed reading you. I’ve been sort of away.
March 27, 2019 at 5:52 am
I saw a call for submissions yesterday and totally thought of you! It was for modern stories with fairy tale quality. I am going to try and find the link send it to you. I hope you are ok. xoxoxo
March 27, 2019 at 6:57 am
Thank you! I hope you are thinking of submitting too.
I am very well and slowly returning on WP. I just wanted to be alone for a while.
Love and kisses!
March 27, 2019 at 8:44 am
I understand that feeling completely and I am glad to see you back! xoxoxo
March 27, 2019 at 8:59 am
I knew you would, dear! Kisses!
March 28, 2019 at 6:02 am
xoxoxo
March 23, 2019 at 6:53 pm
Oh, I hope you can cut back on the booze – its no good if its getting on your nerves like that XX
March 24, 2019 at 7:05 am
Thank you!!!!
March 23, 2019 at 7:10 pm
I can’t think of anything to say other than I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what it feels like, although you have clearly spelled it out. I think you have a lot of guts putting it down in words and hope it was cathartic. I also think you can tell from the comments that you have a lot of people out there who care. Count me among them.
March 24, 2019 at 7:08 am
Thank you so much, Steve! You are so on point about the catharsis; I think I also feel that if I write it down, it may give me some accountability. I have always been prone to escape, so it isn’t a big surprise that I ended up here, but I will get past it.
March 23, 2019 at 10:05 pm
Susan, I read this yesterday, and was so moved by your utter honesty. I didn’t know what to say at the time and I still don’t. But I really FELT what you said. I totally understand the need to escape. Inguess I try to do it in other ways. I used to drink but don’t now. I too used to love that feeling that it gives you. I am so sorry that you have come to this point now. You can beat it Shsan. You are an immensely string woman. And I most definitely believe you ADE a writer and you ARE meant to be one. Your writing is brilliant. I really mean that. I am rooting for you here Susan. Much much much love to you, ❤️❤️❤️
March 24, 2019 at 7:10 am
Lorraine, you are an absolute angel! Thank you for always being so loving and supportive. I hope you know how much I admire you and how much you inspire me. So much love to you!
March 24, 2019 at 10:24 am
And right back at you Susan. And remember how beautiful that vouce of yours is. I do hope you do keep writing. Bless you my friend xoxoxo
March 24, 2019 at 12:33 am
It takes what it takes. I put it down at 31 and I am so glad I did but I don’t pressure anyone else to. I was writing that I had a problem with it for several years before I got to my first AA meeting. I know that’s not the path for everyone but it helped me kick it. in the end all you have is your honest so bravo for being honest…. ❤
March 24, 2019 at 7:13 am
Thank you so much! I think I have been doing the same, writing about it off and on for a long time, knowing I had to stop but honestly not wanting to. I keep thinking how great it would be to wake up with a clear head, face the day without a hangover. I will get there. I didn’t drink last night. Like you, I have faced way harder things than this. Love to you, my friend!
March 24, 2019 at 1:38 pm
Only you know when youve had enough that is personal for each of us 🤗
March 24, 2019 at 5:03 am
You’re so brave Susan.
March 24, 2019 at 7:16 am
Oh Sarah, I Love that you see me that way. I am so grateful for you, for our friendship, for all the feathers. I Love you, BB!
March 24, 2019 at 6:59 am
We are community and I like always reading Your poetry. Unfortunately, depression is all over the world. I wish You a lot of happy day, good friends, and healthy family.
March 24, 2019 at 7:17 am
You are, as ever, so lovely! Thank you!
March 24, 2019 at 7:12 am
Yep, the bottle and I are good pals too. The problem was, the more I drank, the more depressed I got, so a few months ago, I cut back severely to only a couple or three glasses a night and it’s been better since then. But I don’t think giving it up completely is the right thing for me either. And by the way, you ARE supposed to be a writer. There’s no doubt about that:-)
March 24, 2019 at 7:24 am
I have been in exactly the same place lately, Suzanne. I have had to face that it makes me more depressed, even though I may feel good in the few hours a night when I am drinking. Moderation has never been my forte’. Your support of my writing means more than you know. I think part of my wanting to stop the booze is that I want to clear my head and get writing again, with more passion and dedication. I think the booze will ease the stress of other things, but it actually just ends up pulling me into a hole I feel stuck in. And then, I don’t write (even though I want to) and I am less equipped to deal with all of the other shit.
I am going to have some turkey bacon with Joe and then go read your post – start Sunday off right! Love you, Lady!
March 24, 2019 at 7:29 am
That’s the problem with alcohol–it lulls you into a false sense of feeling good. The first drink is great, but it’s usually downhill from there. I know what you mean–I used to start out on the weekends having a drink in the morning for “motivation” but I always ended up with a fuzzy head and the writing was no good. Now, it’s hot chocolate or green tea. Turkey bacon sounds even healthier! Love you too:-)
March 24, 2019 at 11:09 am
I am finding (through trial and error) the only way I am able to stop compulsions is to find something i want more. I have to be careful here because I have such an addictive personality I can not try something in the same category. I know what I am trying to say but the words are all mixed up…. lets use smoking… my biggest vice…my daughter doesnt want me to come over near the grandkids after i have smoked… even if i wash my hands change my clothes etc…. i’ve been able to shower, new clothes, rush to see them, get distracted enough to not smoke…so maybe its a start?
March 24, 2019 at 11:44 am
This makes complete sense, Grace!!!! I am exactly the same. I have to replace things with other things I like, or I will never be able to let go of the original thing…..now who’s words are all twisty?
March 24, 2019 at 12:00 pm
I haven’t been drinking…..yet…
March 24, 2019 at 12:15 pm
You’re very brave for talking so honestly about this and very astute for knowing that the source of the problem is your compulsive nature. I once met another writer who told me he drank whenever he felt guilty about not writing, but that created a vicious cycle because the more he drank the less he wrote.
I know you won’t give up writing and I hope you can find the balance where you can enjoy a drink or two without going overboard, although I also worry about saying that because, well, if I were a superhero I’d be called The Enabler.
March 24, 2019 at 1:51 pm
You are wonderful, Christopher! You make me laugh and that is always good!!!! Thank you!!!
March 24, 2019 at 9:06 pm
Hi, beautiful. I am so fucking sad for you but also so very proud of you. You just own your shit and there is no pussyfooting around the truth. That takes an extraordinary amount of courage and I very much admire you for that. I barely drink anymore, I just hate feeling like shit, and also love being up at 4 am. You know how magical that time of day is, you are up with me, too. But I have had my moments so I totally get it. When my 13-year relationship ended and I fell in love with the most beautiful and amazing woman on the planet who didn’t love me back, I drank every night for a couple of months. Then one day I was like, well this is stupid, and took it down a few notches. But drinking has never been my issue, so it was easy for me to drink less. My problem is that I can’t stop fucking cleaning. Not as harmful and not the same, I know, but if someone said to me, ‘Tanya, you can’t clean anymore, you have to stop,’ I seriously would not be okay. Like, so not okay. It is the one thing that I need, that I HAVE to do. You see, everything has to be in its place and if it’s not, I am off balance and can’t concentrate on living. Sounds stupid and crazy, but it is a genuine frustration for me. And what my point is…is that there is a reason why I need to clean. Why everything has to be in order at all times. Hell, I totally know why I do it, it’s no secret. The real problem for me is that I don’t know how I will be okay if I can’t do it or have to do it way less. It affects my life to the point that it made me late for work last week. Only by 5 minutes, but I would have been 20 minutes early had I not had to have everything done before I left. What I knew though, is that I would have been depressed coming home that evening if it hadn’t been done. So I did it even though I didn’t want to. I annoy the shit out of myself. God, I hope this makes sense. I mean, what if we both just didn’t? What if we both did it less? Well, we would have to find a way to be okay without it or with limits, wouldn’t we? That is truly the most terrifying part though because it would expose what we do our very best to cover up with booze and straight lines. But, I do believe it is possible. We are all so intricately woven and weird, but we are also beautiful and awesome and full of possibility. We just have to give ourselves a fighting chance. I hope this made sense. And that I am not banned from any future comments. 😳 I couldn’t help but pop in on this one though to let you know that you have my support. ❤️
March 26, 2019 at 6:14 am
I love and adore you, T!!! This totally makes sense and I love it when you pop in here!!!! And, I love this comment in its entirety!
March 25, 2019 at 4:19 pm
Oh, my dear! During my twenties, and again in my early forties, I drank heavily. Thankfully these episodes were situational and I did not become addicted to alcohol. But my father was an alcoholic, as is my oldest son and youngest daughter. Historically my aunt on my mother’s side, and my paternal grandmother were all addicted to alcohol I won’t begin to go into some of the painful incidents of living with persons troubled with alcohol. Even if they don’t know it at the time, It is hell for them. It was hell for me. Please know that I am sending you all the best wishes I can. I hope for you the healing power of all nature. I’m saying this very badly, but you have my full support.
March 26, 2019 at 6:18 am
Oh Barbara, thank you so much for this! You said it all beautifully. In reading this, I think that my drinking may be situational as well, just the way I respond to certain hardships and the habits that grow from there. Thank you for sharing part of your story here; it means more than you know. Sending so much love your way!
March 26, 2019 at 1:44 am
Susan. I’m in tears over here. What an honest post. “Tough” is right. I am so sorry this has been affecting you so much. My hubby had a massive drinking problem, he’s been sober 20 years. Sending you strength for each day and clarity for putting steps in place to help you take back your life. You ARE a writer, that, my dear, is not a choice. A writer is what you are! If ever you need help, let me know… I will do anything I can. Love you! 💜
March 26, 2019 at 6:22 am
Kim, you are so wonderful! Thank you for your care, love and support. I woke up this morning with a clear head and it feels good. I actually felt better after writing the post, putting down in words what has been in my head for so long. Love you!
March 26, 2019 at 6:32 am
Well then, Bravo brave lady! I’m thinking of you! Wishing you the best… and I’m always here, just reach out and I’ll answer.😊💜
March 28, 2019 at 9:53 am
You are so powerful, Susan, in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly. I know you’ll find balance and I hope your words never stop flowing. Believe it or not your strength helps others with their strength, too. Big hugs to you, sister!
March 29, 2019 at 5:50 am
Thank you, my friend! I am so grateful to know you!
March 28, 2019 at 9:54 am
By the way, can I say how much I love the title? 🤣
March 29, 2019 at 5:51 am
One of my better one’s I think!? It may have been wasted on this post, but perhaps I will recycle it in a poem!!!!
March 29, 2019 at 7:23 am
Perfect!
March 28, 2019 at 9:55 am
I understand completely where you are coming from in this post. For me it was the pills. And finally facing what I was escaping helped me with that addiction. Hugs. 🙂
March 29, 2019 at 5:51 am
Thank you so much!
March 29, 2019 at 9:16 am
Most welcome. 😃
April 2, 2019 at 9:40 am
To realise and admit that something you ‘enjoy’ is potentially doing more harm than good, is a truly enlightening moment. To then openly discuss that with others shows such compassion, not only for yourself, but for everyone else. Last year I gave myself a hard talking to when I realised there was rarely a night that I didn’t have alcohol. I don’t drink much. I don’t drink out. I’m not a boozer. I’m long past getting drunk. But I became aware that I so looked forward to pouring a glass of wine or a short of something yummy that I was actually on a slippery slope. I think having a drink is glamorous, funny, clever, grown-up. I joke around it. Although I love the buzz, it’s just as much the process of having a drink, having a wine glass on the go, having a grown-up looking beverage. I now intersperse my week with alcohol free wine (don’t touch the red stuff, although my preferred wine, it’s vile). And I’m finding I’m enjoying a glass or 3 of alcohol-free white wine just as much as if it was alcohol. A trick on my mind maybe, but it’s working. I don’t have the guilt of ‘should I have another’, I can just pour one. Drink the whole bottle if I like. I’m getting a kind of placebo buzz. Sounds so juvenile! But my conscience is happier that I’m not risking so much harm to my insides (my biggest fear). And it’s cheaper! Just a thought. However you decide to proceed with your enlightenment, I wish you the very best of luck and support. 🙂
April 2, 2019 at 9:49 am
I think this is a brilliant idea!!! Thank you!!!!