Joe and I have lived in our apartment together for almost 10 years (he lived here 4 years before I moved in) and periodically, we rearrange the furniture. We love it. It makes the apartment feel brand new. It may seem like a stretch, but when I was thinking about my writing the other day, and how much I have been floundering, I drew a parallel in my mind to rearranging the furniture. When Joe and I start feeling a bit stuck in our apartment, we move things around and clean inside corners that have been long ignored, and we both feel refreshed. Our most recent rearrange was to move Joe’s desk into our second bedroom, creating an office for him, which means our formerly shared space (what is meant to be a dining area) has become mine. We were both excited for the change, but (here is where the writing connection comes in) it also ended up shining a light on how much I haven’t been writing.
I know other writers who produce work like crazy; 4 poems in a day, 78 poems in a month (this is not an exaggeration), a pamphlet or chapbook every year for the last 5 years. I maybe wrote 10 new poems in the whole of last year. I have gone back and forth between beating myself up for my lack of productivity and accepting that I am just not a very prolific writer. Both sides of this coin are bullshit. Although I don’t think I will ever be a 4 poems a day kind of person, I could be writing a lot more than I do. I tend to write poems and then spend years editing them, each time a poem get’s rejected I edit like mad, and the new poems are then very few and very far between. If it weren’t for Visual Verse, I may not write anything new at all. I don’t feel like a writer. I feel like a fraud.
The whole fraud complex is not new, nor is it rare for writers to feel this way, but my recent feelings of inauthenticity have led me to remember some sage advice I got from a friend years ago. I had been writing (not really) my blog for a few years, but was posting very infrequently and feeling zero motivation. I was lost. This wise friend suggested that I step away from the blog and start writing poetry again, which was always my first passion as a writer. I took her advice and dusted off some old poems and started writing some new ones and then sent out my work and started getting published, and subsequently started writing much more regularly here on my blog, and for the first time in decades, felt like a writer. I found an amazing community of poets and writers and felt like a part of something truly special. It was great.
So, what happened? The truth is, a lot has happened, is happening and will happen, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I find a path to being the kind of writer I want to be. I know that path will change and curve and look different at different times of my life, but no matter the terrain, I owe it to myself to pay attention to it. I have written before about behaving in absolutes; all in or all out. I am not good at moderation. I have to face that part of what is behind my not writing is that I have become consumed by all of the amazing things that come with being part of a virtual writing community. It makes me feel as if I am out there living life, but in truth, it is a perfect safe haven for someone like me, who is prone to cutting themself off from the physical world. It is also an excuse to put off my own writing. I have found myself spending more time reading other’s writing, which is a pleasure, rather than working on my own, which scares the crap out of me. I am afraid that if I step back, even a little, from the blog world, I will miss so much, but in being so consumed by it, I am missing a lot in the spaces of my day-to-day life. I am inspired by being a part of this amazing world, but I am not putting that inspiration into my own creative output. I am also afraid of not being supportive enough, of being forgotten, of looking like an asshole for using my blog as a tool for self promotion, and of finding out that I don’t really have what it takes to be a real writer, a writer who actually produces. I came into this year, determined to find balance, but I am failing.
So, how do I fix this? I think it’s simple. I put on my big girl pants, and smash the hell out of the fear voice, and do something that is really fucking hard for me to do. Prioritize myself. Give myself the chance to be the writer I want to be. Find out if I can. I have been wanting to delve into writing more fiction, and even gotten help from some amazing teachers (you know who you are). I want to write more new poetry and not just edit. I want to give time and care to my writing, to see if I can grow or if I have given the best of what I can give. Instead, I have been frozen. I am terrified of failing, of hurting people by not being there for them, of severing ties that have become so important to me. But, I have to get unstuck. I have to try. I have to forge ahead and find out. I have to shed the skin of fear, self-abuse and complacency, and find out what I can be beyond the fog I tuck myself into so comfortably.
I don’t know what this means for the blog. I know I am not disappearing. I love this place. I may write a post tomorrow or next week or next month. I may spend tomorrow reading other blogs and I may not read any blog posts for weeks. I just don’t know. What I do know, in terms of the future of “Stories from the Edge of Blindness”, is that I have books to read, written by friends I have made through my blog, and that I want to review here. I have 2 guest posts (a first for my blog) coming up sometime in the next month or 2. I will keep sharing poetry. And, most importantly, this place and all of the amazing and inspiring people I have met here, has changed the shape of my writing life. Being a part of this community has opened up my mind and my heart in ways I never expected. I am not letting that go. Perhaps just loosening my grip a little bit.
March 18, 2019 at 12:25 pm
Bravo!I enjoy your bluntness and your spirit. I want to tell you how much you inspire others!
March 18, 2019 at 12:52 pm
Thank you, so much!!! You are always so kind and generous and I am very grateful!
March 18, 2019 at 12:52 pm
Sure thing my friend!
March 18, 2019 at 12:27 pm
Writing feels much better when it’s fun and a passion and not an addiction or a chore.
March 18, 2019 at 12:54 pm
That is exactly what I have been feeling an absence of lately, Mark. Maybe I need to put the poetry down for a bit if it is just giving me anxiety. You do so much creatively and it is definitely inspiring me to delve into other realms.
March 18, 2019 at 1:20 pm
Thank you, Susan. I love to write but if something else comes along that I’m passionate about, I’d let it go. I let go of my therapy practice and found something better, creative writing. Life is full of neat things to do.
March 18, 2019 at 12:36 pm
It’s ok to take a check every so often and change priorities, it’s so easy to get into habits whether good or bad. So self reflection and adjusting to the way things are & not how you think they should be is helpful. I have faith in your judgement, you will work it out; you always do.
March 18, 2019 at 12:54 pm
Thank you my love! You are my world!
March 18, 2019 at 1:33 pm
Prioritize according to what YOU need in order to live your best life:-) And take Joe’s advice–he’s a pretty clever guy;-)
March 18, 2019 at 3:47 pm
Thank you, Suzanne! And yeah, I have to agree with you about Joe; he is a clever guy!!!
March 18, 2019 at 1:42 pm
One of the issues I find with my “poetry” is just how many ways can I find to say the same damn thing again and again. This one is about love, this one is about loss, this one is about loneliness. Oh, and this one; it’s about love, loss, and loneliness. I feel like a broken record at times.
I think you’re on to something with the branching out you are doing. The audio pieces, guest bloggers, reviews, all seem like good ideas.
March 18, 2019 at 3:49 pm
I feel exactly the same about my poetry, River. I also find myself gravitating toward the same words or parts of the body and it makes me feel so stale. Poetry is hard!
By the way, your books are 2 that I have been wanting to read and review!
March 18, 2019 at 8:57 pm
I appreciate that, thank you.
March 18, 2019 at 2:32 pm
Good for you, sweetheart! You’ll find the lane that is yours and then you’ll go, go, go ❤️
March 18, 2019 at 3:52 pm
Thank you, Rita! I have always been so afraid to disappoint people and it can overwhelm me. I feel like I am failing all over the place and I have written almost this exact post so many times. I need to look in more directions, I suppose. I am so grateful for your support!
March 18, 2019 at 4:29 pm
You have it always ❤️.
March 18, 2019 at 3:08 pm
My sweet Susan. No one will hate you for not commenting on a blog! I have put up a post from time to time (when chronic pain sincerely kicks my butt) that just says, “currently recalibrating.” Guess what? No one got mad at me or forgot about me. No one will get ticked off because you are following your dreams…and no one would ever believe you’re an asshole for updating your blog with your accomplishments! We are -HAPPY- for you!!! Pull the trigger! You are and always will be safe here. Time to run your own race… we got you!💜💜💜
March 18, 2019 at 3:55 pm
I Love you, Kim! Thank you, so much! I feel like I have been lost for so long. I know I keep saying that it is time for me to look around and find new focus; hopefully this time it will stick. I am definitely going to keep doing the audio poems! Only time will show what else can happen.
March 18, 2019 at 3:56 pm
💜💜💜
March 18, 2019 at 3:33 pm
I think you’re right – at times we all need to step back and rediscover both who we are and what it is that makes us feel good. Writing comes from a place inside us that we do not really know (at least that’s how I see it) and sometimes it’s best to let it find its way out rather than to try and find it. Maybe that’s the way to re-enjoy what we do.
Take care.
March 18, 2019 at 3:57 pm
Chris, I love this. Every word! Thank you! I need to let it find it’s way out.
March 18, 2019 at 11:47 pm
☺
March 18, 2019 at 3:49 pm
Thanks for continuing to share your truth and open to letting go of the fear! I believe in all you do my friend. The awareness is the first step, now take that turn to the level of fearlessness. I believe in YOU 💛
March 18, 2019 at 3:59 pm
I love you, Lady! Our recent outing was so restorative for me, but then I fell back into a very dark place; I am sorry I haven’t been in touch. I think I need to bring a tent next time we go and stay there, under those trees, for a while! Thank you for your love and support and belief in me!
March 18, 2019 at 4:28 pm
As someone who is very non-prolific (I’ve been working on an ambitious novel for the past two-plus years with probably two-plus more to go), I constantly step back and consider what I’ve done, and where I’m going. Approaching sixty, I’m a little concerned that I may be going too slow, but I’m deliberate and patience, what will be will be. It has taken me a long time to get to this point where I want the work to really reflect what I care about. I want it to live with me for a while. All this to say, I think you have a similar mindset to your work. You care about it and want it to have weight. And I’m a big proponent of having that passion and resilience about your work. If I stopped caring about what I’m doing, I’ll stop doing it… and have in the past. But I think if you keep searching and doubting yourself, you’re probably on the right path to being good at what you do. And I think you’re good at what you do. Always move forward. 🙂
March 18, 2019 at 5:14 pm
Steven, you have just made me feel so much better. You know how much I love you work, and to hear that you think there is similarity in our processes is the greatest compliment. I always go to the place where I think I must be doing everything wrong, but this makes me think I may just be doing something right. Thank you so much! More than you know!
March 19, 2019 at 3:24 am
Trust your instincts… they may not be the same as anyone else, but they’re yours. 🙂
March 18, 2019 at 5:41 pm
Yes!! Prioritizing oneself isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Everyone has their own writing process, but the one thing we all have in common is time with pen in hand! You said….”but no matter the terrain, I owe it to myself to pay attention to it.” This!! I absolutely believe this to be a vital truth. You deserve to nurture it, Susan. No matter how prolific you are or feel, it is still a gift and something that compels you. And we happen to benefit too. 😊 I don’t doubt you’ll find your way. Love to you my friend!
March 19, 2019 at 5:52 am
Thank you so much, Beautiful Lady!!!
March 19, 2019 at 5:54 am
You’re welcome!
March 19, 2019 at 6:53 am
I think you are too self-demanding, Susan. I also see your lack of moderation in the issue of quantity and frequency. Are more prolific writers better than those who are not? That’s ridiculous. Jonathan Franzen produces a novel every five years and he is one of the best novelists I have ever read in recent times. I already enjoyed “Freedom”, yet “Purity” is even better, a masterpiece. Franzen does not precisely fall into the category of a prolific writer.
You have to spend the time on your wordpress blog you feel like. You do not have to praise every follower simply because the whole thing is awfully time-consuming. You do not have to review each and every book by your newly-found friends because of the same reason.Therefore, reach a balance between the space you need for yourself and the space to share with others.
I have never published anything in my life. I only write a few things in my free time listening to my inner voice and post them if I like them enough. My money income does not depend on that and so I feel absolutely free to do what I want. Is there a correlation between your writing and money in your life then?
Each human animal writes because there is an inner voice that tells us to do so (I think Chris Nelson has told this here as well). We basically write because it is therapy, liberation and pleasure to all of us. Therefore, do not put tooo much pressure on yourself, Susan. You are a very talented writer. And yes, I agree with you. You have to shed the skin of fear.
March 20, 2019 at 5:56 am
Thank you, Marta! You are always so thoughtful! I have spent a life time finding things to beat myself up about and it is time to find a new habit! xoxoxoxo
March 20, 2019 at 6:21 am
Yes. Remember my poem Confidence:
https://momentsbloc.wordpress.com/2018/10/15/confidence-2/
And thank you again for checking out my friend Mario Savioni’s blog. Like you, he is an excellent writer. Instead, my blog still gets more attention than his, which is not fair.
Have a lovely day! xoxoxoxo
March 21, 2019 at 9:36 am
You and Mario are both great writers, Marta!!!
March 21, 2019 at 3:15 pm
Mario is a great writer, like you. I am just a person who writes for therapy, liberation and pleasure.
March 21, 2019 at 3:17 pm
Then you and I are the same! Thank you, Marta! You are truly lovely!
March 22, 2019 at 3:17 am
No, not the same. You, Mario and a few other poets I have come across WP are playing in another league than mine. It is like learning a foreign language. I am just at the beginner level whereas you, Mario, etc. already master the language. However, for me this is fine. As I told you, I write because it is therapy, liberation and pleasure to me. There is an inner voice that tells me to do so. Besides, English is just my third language. You are truly lovely too, Susan. You are too kind.
March 22, 2019 at 8:43 am
Thank you, Marta. It is a huge compliment that you find value in my writing! Wishing you a lovely weekend!
March 22, 2019 at 11:23 am
You are very talented. Never doubt it. You too have a lovely weekend!
March 19, 2019 at 9:32 am
I know what you mean about the blogging robbing you of time to write other things. That’s been my excuse for not continuing the manuscript on novel #2. I don’t know if that is a convenient cop-our or the truth, but I do know that if I was going to resume the manuscript, my blogging output would have to be significantly curtailed since I also work full time.
The scary part is that if I did focus on the novel, I could see the blog dying a slow death because I am a creature of habit. Two weeks of no blogging would turn into a month, then two, then….oh fuck it!
I am not a fan of that scenario
March 20, 2019 at 5:59 am
I have no idea how you work full time, write the blog, write novels, build a new house……that is pretty damn amazing! I feel like it is a triumph of a day if I manage to skip the morning nap! Hahahaha!
Balance is the hardest thing to find!!!!
March 20, 2019 at 6:18 am
The only thing I do regarding the house is write the checks. I haven’t touched the novel in months, and wasn’t blogging when the first one was written
March 20, 2019 at 6:33 am
You’re still amazing!!!!!! Life is so fucking hard, yet every day we get on with it. It is ok if isn’t the same kind of getting on with it each day. Which probably makes no sense because my brain is in sleep mode right now.
March 20, 2019 at 8:48 am
Makes sense 2 me
March 20, 2019 at 1:50 pm
What you wrote is something that most of us have experienced. Am I doing enough? Am I any good? And so on and so on.
And you know what? It’s healthy. It’s healthy and necessary to have that feeling because it pushes you forward. That little voice in your head and mine that questions our ability, that challenges us and dares us. We can fall back and do nothing or leap ahead.
I know what you’re going to do and so do you. What you’re experiencing is normal and worth it. Life is fucking hard, you are so right in saying that. But so are we and that’s why we can handle it.
March 21, 2019 at 9:38 am
I totally adore you, Bryan!!!! Thank you for this! For everything you teach me!
March 22, 2019 at 1:07 pm
And that’s ok. No need to feel bad about it or to apologize.
Any change is good. Inspiration comes when you least expect it.
March 22, 2019 at 1:42 pm
Thank you, B!
March 23, 2019 at 3:38 pm
Because I’m unfashionably late others have said so many things I was thinking as I read through this, so I’ll just offer a couple of things. The idea of rearranging the furniture really spoke to me because I think of every person’s blog as their home–or at least their personal space. If you want to use it for self-promotion then you absolutely should–and may I say, I love what you’ve done with the place.
Something else I thought of is that Joyce Carol Oates has expressed surprise at being described as prolific. She’s said that, in spite of her output, she doesn’t think of herself as prolific because she spends a lot of time at her writing desk just thinking, not writing.
What does that mean for you? I think it’s another example of something you already said–that you have to find your own way of being the writer you want to be, and don’t worry so much about the outside world.
March 23, 2019 at 4:24 pm
Christopher, I Love this!!! You are Wonderful! Thank you so much!!!! I am pretty fond of your place as well! You always make me see things in new ways!
March 25, 2019 at 2:11 pm
The paragraph that starts ‘So, what happened?’, felt like you’d climbed inside my head, so I totally get this. I like the rearranging the furniture comparison. Seems like you actually have a pretty good handle on where you’re at and what your needs are, it just may not feel like it. I hope that tweaking your furniture (sounds like a euphemism!) finds you perfect Feng Shui and balance.
March 26, 2019 at 6:15 am
Thank you!!!!! Now I just have to take the steps, which is not my forte’, but I have to believe change is possible!!!
March 26, 2019 at 6:51 am
Good on you Susan! Change is the only constant we can depend on.