I am in the center of noise, where it is static, blank, nothing. The pull of sadness is stronger than I am. The weight of my choices floods me with regret. I have nothing to look back on but loss, nothing to look forward to. I need to rest, to escape the spiteful murmurs of my mind. My fingers are stone, my heart decrepit. I threw myself away so long ago and cannot be found. I have shed my skin too many times, tried to believe I could be different. I have been kicked again and again by a reality only I am responsible for. I am tired. Too tired to write or think or speak. I remain lost, trapped, silenced.
floweringink
I am a writer, going blind in Los Angeles. This blog is my story of a slow approach to darkness as I traverse through the rubble of urban life. It is what I see in the withering spaces of my remaining vision. It is humor and despair and darkness and light. It is what I witness as the world slowly disappears.
31 thoughts on “Trapped in the Static”
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Stories From the Edge of Blindness 
November 25, 2018 at 6:45 am
“I looked at him like a stranger, someone I’d never seen before, and he looked at me like I’d been lost to him for a thousand years and finally found.”
We will all, at some point in our lives.
Hang in there, hun. I’m holding your hand.
November 25, 2018 at 6:57 am
Love you.
November 25, 2018 at 7:35 am
And I’m holding your other hand. 😌
November 26, 2018 at 12:36 am
💕
November 25, 2018 at 7:05 am
life is light
but dark
is a vaccuum
of a personal night!
November 25, 2018 at 7:28 am
That’s it! You are so coming over.
November 25, 2018 at 7:32 am
If I was there Susan, I’d gently touch your hand. Then I’d hold both your hands with mine in a stronger grip. I would bring you a coffee. Then we would both sit silently outside somewhere. Anywhere. We will just sit quietly for a while. We will both be content, we have each other in that moment. I will then look at you, and I will say ‘I got you’.
November 25, 2018 at 7:38 am
It is said th a one of the greatest expressions of love is to just sit with someone. No words necessary, just the contentment of being with that someone. I am sitting with you Susan. Feel my spirit there with you.
November 25, 2018 at 7:58 am
I am giving you a warm hug and a few tears, to be with you in your pain. But I am also here to remind you that you have felt joy before, and you will feel it again. You will certainly feel it again. Love to you, Friend.
November 25, 2018 at 8:04 am
It is often the thought of failed expectation that creates the feeling of defeat. The reality of your success is overshadowed by it. That is all. I am sure that a certain person will show you the reality of your success if you but look in their eyes. They are your measure. The yardstick of all you are that is bright and great…brilliant and smart…beautiful and funny.
November 25, 2018 at 8:09 am
🙏❤
November 25, 2018 at 8:48 am
Oh, beautiful one, I wish all good things for you, and it hurts my heart that you feel like this. I’ll write you something funny and you write me something brave.
November 25, 2018 at 9:28 am
Oh my dearest Susan, I know what you mean. Words are lost of late. I’m still here, sighting feathers and thinking of you every day.
November 25, 2018 at 9:50 am
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. – Cynthia Occelli
Let it all come out, beautiful girl. Even if it sounds like ‘nothing’ and feels like hell, it is the only way to arrive at your greatest expression. Huge hug to you.
November 25, 2018 at 10:12 am
I love this. (:
November 25, 2018 at 11:00 am
I’ve recently lost my father and your words are scraping over my tender heart…I’m here, too, sitting beside you with my grief held out in my hand…the words will come and when they do, you’ll know that you survived.
November 25, 2018 at 11:25 am
As long as someone cares, and you can care for another, nothing is wasted. I hope that you arise from the despair, and reach for something beautiful, because it is there.
November 25, 2018 at 12:55 pm
I love you, Susan. You know where I am. ❤️
November 25, 2018 at 3:21 pm
I am going to fly down there and tell you non-stop raccoon jokes. Trust me, they’re hilarious.
November 25, 2018 at 5:19 pm
Love you, Sister ❤️❤️
November 25, 2018 at 6:29 pm
Love you, Susan. I’m in line to sit with you and hold a hand. 💜
November 25, 2018 at 10:12 pm
Your words touch my heart. Especially “The pull of sadness is stronger than I am.” Pain consumes the soul, and leaves an empty hollow. Trust me I know. You have so many who want to hold your hand. If I could I would hug you, tell you how brave you are. All I can offer you, if you don’t mind are kind words which were once given to me. Listen to the happiness, quench the hunger of life, and focus on your dreams, even if you have to take a detour. My Son thought me this, he as Downs Syndrome. Smile and have a wonderful day. 🙂
November 26, 2018 at 6:49 am
this has me weeping….thank you….
November 26, 2018 at 7:09 am
No worries, Susan … the Rams will be back on next Sunday. It’s just a bye week. 😉 ❤️
November 26, 2018 at 8:49 am
We are all waiting for you Susan! Thinking of you. Wishing this will pass soon, and it will. Hang in there. Let our love guide you outside of this.
November 26, 2018 at 11:40 am
{{{{{{{dear one}}}}}}}}
November 26, 2018 at 1:53 pm
I’m going to write the word HEART, because I don’t know how to do emojis from the laptop. Winky face, smiley face, they appear by magic, but this definitely calls for a HEART.
November 27, 2018 at 10:42 am
Listening, and on your side
November 28, 2018 at 8:05 am
Silenced? I don’t think so! You are loud and beautifully so! Such a poignant heart you have!
November 28, 2018 at 8:31 am
You are an unexpected and beautiful gift this morning. Thank you so much!
November 28, 2018 at 2:28 pm
Hugs!