Lately, I am a blade on the wind. Unsteady. Damaging. I am trapped in the clutches of an elixir that lies. I swallow the murmurs of depression with bottles of wine and bags of crisps, but can’t ever fully escape the noise. It sits heavy in my belly and pushes out through my skin. I wear it in my poems about fat girls and self loathing. I hold it against the roof of my mouth and in my clenched jaw, trying not to wake up. Trying not to see.
Although the pulse of days hum within the anticipation of that first drink, there are other things that bring me flashes of what I think joy might feel like; the kindness of strangers, the words fitting together just right, reading poetry that sneaks inside me. But, when the sweet scent of these things fades, I am stuck in my skin again, trapped behind my eyes. I explode beneath a light that exposes my bruises and causes me pain. I shrink back into the bottle and disappear into someone I could have been.
Lately I am waves that beg to be left alone, to crash against the horizon in peace. I am not here to be what people imagine me to be. If I am given my voice, it isn’t mine. I have to take it, pull it from its hiding places, set it loose to find the notes it is meant to share or let it live in silence if that is what the sky dictates. I cannot be defined, even if I crave definition. I cannot be placed in a box, even if the box is gilded with temptation. I cannot be who I see at the bottom of the glass, in a mirror warped by drunken confidence. I cannot be who you think I am. I cannot be who you want me to be.
November 5, 2018 at 1:50 pm
And yet there is still freaking poetry in this…it can’t be helped no matter what or who you think you are or are not.
Trust me when I say that there are times just breathing is a victory.
November 5, 2018 at 4:22 pm
You are, as ever, so kind and good, Wulf!!! My rough edges are dominating my landscape right now, and still you are kind. Thank you!
November 5, 2018 at 5:38 pm
I can tell. I know the feeling, and I truly believe what I said.
November 5, 2018 at 2:13 pm
Nb wants you to be anything or anyone but yourself.
Don’t let the sweet scent of beautiful things and words fade. Cherish them, bathe in them…
I wouldn’t like to see you in any such box because you wouldn’t fit; you’re too free-spirited for it.
Keep talking. I’m all ears.
November 5, 2018 at 4:24 pm
Thank you, Gorgeous Lady!!!!
November 5, 2018 at 2:26 pm
Wow, Susan. I am struggling for a response to this. But I want you to know this. Woven into your words is an intolerable pain but also illuminating beauty. You understand that – I know you do. My wish is that you would open your eyes…and let the light shine in and saturate your soul. I think you are talented beyond imagination, but more importantly, I think you are made of love and kindness and to my world, you bring only those things. ❤️
November 5, 2018 at 4:26 pm
Oh Tanya, how is it that when I am feeling all gravelly inside, you always come along and shed light, soften the edges. Thank you for sharing your beautiful views with me. I am so grateful for you!
November 6, 2018 at 6:27 am
T, I hope you know I meant views, as in visual, how you see things, not as in opinions. My writing was a bit wonky. xoxoxo
November 6, 2018 at 9:04 am
You are the sweetest, Susan. Yes, I totally knew what you meant but thank you for saying it. Glad the things I say don’t drive you bananas – I can’t help but be honest, especially when I care so much. Your writing is never wonky, by the way! xoxo
November 5, 2018 at 3:58 pm
Susan…this is utterly powerful, rich, and so very descriptive.
You have a special gift of weaving words into a tapestry that completely enrobes your readers.
So very well done my friend.
November 5, 2018 at 4:27 pm
This is such an immense compliment, Bill! I am overwhelmed. Thank you, so so much!
November 5, 2018 at 4:29 pm
So well deserved…you are a tremendously talented writer and poet.
Please keep doing what you do!!!
November 5, 2018 at 4:12 pm
Want you to know, how much I have missed your writing. Thank you for reappearing!
I also want you to know, how much I can feel you. How close you are! Like a mirror, I see myself in
November 5, 2018 at 4:29 pm
Oh Kat, I feel this. I got very emotional just now reading your response. I am sorry I haven’t been keeping up with your posts. I have been missing your writing as well.
November 5, 2018 at 5:07 pm
You are here ‘now’! And I’m happy
November 5, 2018 at 4:23 pm
I just kept thinking about your post!
I wish you know how beautiful you are! Maybe you do know!
How could words you weave together, touch us all the way they do, when you write?! You have a burning, rather raging beautiful power inside of you! It drips with pain, yet it has the capability of healing!
November 5, 2018 at 4:30 pm
I think you are trying to make me cry, Kat….What a beautiful and wonderful woman you are! Thank you so much! I am really glad that we have found each other.
November 5, 2018 at 5:08 pm
I’ll cry with you :)…But, only if we both laugh our heads off right after, at the beauty… and the absurdity of life 🙂
November 5, 2018 at 7:33 pm
You’ve got a deal!
November 5, 2018 at 4:33 pm
You are raw and real. I wish to be near that more than fakeness and judgement, falseness or pretend.
You find poetry in being real. I love reading your journey.
November 5, 2018 at 4:37 pm
Thank you so much, for reading, for being here and for being authentic and lovely and kind!
November 5, 2018 at 7:15 pm
❤you are welcome
November 5, 2018 at 4:42 pm
Holy cow, this is powerful. …”the kindness of strangers, the words fitting together just right.” You have that churning kind of writing that’s so important, the depth and vulnerability that sticks. Please don’t misdiagnose that as weakness. This is what artists say… they doubt, and then pinpoint their faults. I think we all pick apart our talents because we can’t believe we have them. Some of us do. You do. I think you have a genuine voice that you need to share. I truly understand the vulnerability of self-doubt, but, ultimately, we must trust our gifts, and keep putting them out there. I hope you keep doing so.
November 5, 2018 at 4:47 pm
Steven, thank you so much. I think you know how much this means to me, as you know how much I admire the strength and range of your writing. I am taking all of this to heart, keeping it in my thoughts. Again, thank you!
November 5, 2018 at 4:52 pm
You’re welcome. A writer’s voice is powerful if they believe in their words. Believe in your words. 🙂
November 5, 2018 at 5:00 pm
Ohhhhhh damn, Sister! This smacks me right where I sit.
“ I am not here to be what people imagine me to be.” 🥊
November 5, 2018 at 5:01 pm
I just totally got the chills. Damn, you are amazing. I do love you!!!!!
November 5, 2018 at 5:03 pm
Oh honey! This post stirred the pot of emotion in me that I’ve been keeping on simmer for a lifetime – I’ve was born screaming that line. I love you.
November 5, 2018 at 5:45 pm
Damn. This is so well written.
November 5, 2018 at 7:34 pm
Thank you, so so much!
November 5, 2018 at 8:52 pm
November 6, 2018 at 12:20 am
This is just so honest and so good Shsan. But I can feel your pain more than you could know. Having to be what people want us to be – or FEELING that we have to be what people want us to be. You poured all of that out so amazingly, but I just want to let you know I understand. It is SUCH a struggle. Please be you – the you that is so so beautiful. Insude and lut. I too have mussed reading your wirds. Please please keep writing. Mych much love to you sweetheart. Lorraine xx
November 6, 2018 at 5:55 am
Lorraine, you are such a love and such a light. Through all of your struggles, you are so kind and you offer and embrace laughter with such a beautiful force. Thank you for your kindness to me. I know you understand all of this so well, and it hurts me that you do, but hopefully you know that you are not alone.
November 7, 2018 at 2:56 am
Bless you Susan. Thankyou so much for those beautiful words to me. They mean so much. Please keep writing Susan. Xxxx
November 6, 2018 at 12:33 am
Here’s a great blog for you to follow, hun. You’ll love this guy. He’s always bitching and is funny as fuck, a hot mess, like the rest of all. What’s more, there are plenty of people who you love over there.
For starters, read the last couple of posts to get the idea what he’s like.
November 6, 2018 at 5:57 am
Yes!!!! I follow him. He is terrific!!! I am pretty sure I found him through you or Tom. Thank you for thinking of me! xo
November 6, 2018 at 6:03 am
November 6, 2018 at 3:29 am
There is beauty in the words that outshine the pain, which I think is reflective of the author. I’m glad you have that vehicle to let us see the immense talent, which comes through loud and clear amid the rubble of the emotions you bravely share.
November 6, 2018 at 5:59 am
Oh Steve, what an amazing thing to say!!! Thank you so much, my friend!!!!
November 6, 2018 at 4:03 am
This is powerful in its honesty. Your prose is as gorgeous as your poetry and as beautiful as you.
November 6, 2018 at 5:59 am
Thank you so much, Suzanne! xoxo
November 6, 2018 at 9:08 am
November 6, 2018 at 6:47 am
Everything you share is a shouting of your soul’s voice. I have a million things to say and ask about this, but mostly it requires conversation. I think that’s the highest form of praise and inspiration, Susan, that what I wish is to know more, to understand more, and to dive deeper within my self, to share more. I hear your voice.
November 6, 2018 at 7:00 am
Angela, this is so beautiful! I am deeply moved and grateful. Thank you so so much!!!!
November 6, 2018 at 7:02 am
November 6, 2018 at 8:51 am
Dear Susan, I read your post a couple of hours ago and came back when I had the words to comment. In the process I had to like every other comment made by your friends here, because I couldn’t agree more with what they told you.
You are true, talented and there is power coming from your words. And a very human feeling, if that’s the correct way to describe it. It’s your desire to search, learn, understand, the way you question things and look for answers. Your effort to be true to yourself, to stay free, undefined.
There is heart and soul in your writing, and a honesty that amazes and touches me. And there is art in the way you do it, doubt it not.
Why do all the people I like have to live so far away?
November 6, 2018 at 9:14 am
I am weeping and beaming and so incredibly humbled. You are truly one of my favorite writers, with a lush, unique and powerful style. You are an extraordinary woman with an immense heart. The fact that you find value in me and in my work, is overwhelming and wonderful. I am incredibly grateful. One day, I hope we can share a bottle of wine!!!
November 6, 2018 at 11:02 am
So do I, Susan!
November 6, 2018 at 6:14 pm
“If I am given my voice, it isn’t mine. I have to take it, pull it from its hiding places, set it loose to find the notes it is meant to share or let it live in silence if that is what the sky dictates.”
That is your voice, my love, your undeniable, unapologetic, phenomenal voice. Your words- orchestrated in a way that makes your turmoil palpable- command us to listen, to experience the depths of pain we all feel but few of the courage to expose.
So expose them. Throw down the gauntlet.
Those demons that thrive in darkness, cower in the light of day. Expel them with light, Susan, disempower them with truth- all the love that you are, all the beauty you see, and the extraordinary gift you have of making us experience both with the voice you’ve been given…that is most definitely yours.
November 7, 2018 at 6:19 am
Oh, Brooke, you Beautiful, Amazing Woman!!! Thank you so much for these words that are kind and empowering and so very uplifting. You are extraordinary!!
November 7, 2018 at 7:11 am
Let them swirl around your head when it gets dark, please. You aren’t alone and you are so much more powerful than you realize. Huge hug to you, love.
November 7, 2018 at 6:47 am
‘If I am given my voice, it isn’t mine.’ – That stood out to me. At one time that was me screaming from the rooftops.
You have a way of capturing our attention with words or sentences. You did it again, kid. 🙂
November 7, 2018 at 11:09 am
You are so wonderful, Bryan! Thank you so much for all of your encouragement!
November 7, 2018 at 9:06 am
Frankly I just think you need more high fives. 😁
November 7, 2018 at 11:11 am
You know, I think you may be right!!! If only I had been privy to your wisdom 30 years ago! xo my friend!!!!
November 8, 2018 at 12:59 pm
Just imagine how swell your next 30 years are gonna be! 😄
November 9, 2018 at 7:38 am
I am super psyched!!!!!
November 10, 2018 at 6:16 am
November 10, 2018 at 11:00 am
You are exactly who I think you are and exactly who I want you to be! 😊
November 11, 2018 at 6:10 am
Walt, your love, support and encouragement fill my heart with such happiness. I am so grateful we are friends! Thank you!
November 11, 2018 at 6:41 am
You are very welcome Susan. I feel the same about you! 🙂
November 13, 2018 at 9:29 am
Beautifully penned 💖
November 13, 2018 at 9:57 am
Thank you so much!!!
November 13, 2018 at 10:02 am