I am not an easy person to be friends with. I’m not being self-deprecating. It’s not like I’m mean or selfish or particularly high maintenance, but I do have a tendency to disappear, sometimes for long periods of time. I get overwhelmed by interaction, by the noise of life and the efforts to be the consummate good person. I need to spend time alone with my thoughts, to clear away the debris that has clouded them. I guess you could say I am a loner.
I have a complicated relationship with time and deep feelings of shame at having disappointed anyone; the two do not mix well. I feel like a bad friend so much of the time, but I also need the elixir of solitude. A lot of it. It is how I am wired. It is probably why I have never had that many friends. People either get it,, or they don’t. They either understand it isn’t personal, or they take it personally and decide a friendship with me isn’t worth the trouble.
I am not one for socializing in big groups, for banter or easy conversation. I don’t think I play well with others, to be honest. I always feel on the outside, always. Maybe that is why I am a writer; or at least part of it. Writing is such a solitary thing, and that suits me. Obviously I want my writing to be read; I have this blog and my poetry is all over the internet, but I only have to be present for the writing of it, not the reading. Once something is out in the world, being read (hopefully), it is no longer about me, no longer mine. My meaning ceases to exist and new breath gives the words new meaning. It’s like giving away parcels or snapshots of myself, peeling layers away and offering them to whoever happens upon my words.
I feel myself disappearing. I feel the need to shed the noise. I always return, but only because I allow myself to disappear.
August 11, 2018 at 8:29 am
I can totally relate Susan. As I age, I’m going back to my natural introversion, preferring more solitude and quiet.
August 11, 2018 at 9:14 am
I wonder if, as we get older, we feel more comfortable taking the time for ourselves that we need. Although I have always been this way, I find myself seeping into the reality of it more and more as I get older.
August 12, 2018 at 8:00 am
I’ve always been this way, but I definitely notice a shift toward more alone time in the last 5-7 years.
August 11, 2018 at 8:58 am
Oh sister, you’re singing my song ❤️. It is no doubt the reason I found you and loved you immediately. Kindred spirits with a lot of love to give and a need to retreat to refill the bucket.
August 11, 2018 at 9:15 am
I knew you would totally get this. Love you, Rita!
August 11, 2018 at 9:20 am
Love you right back, Susan. We solitude seekers seem to find each other in the wind.
August 11, 2018 at 9:02 am
It’s so important to be comfortable with who you are and to be yourself. That is the you the people who really care want to know.
August 11, 2018 at 9:15 am
Thank you!
August 11, 2018 at 9:05 am
you have your reasons
August 11, 2018 at 9:06 am
I get this. It seems we are cut from similar cloth.
August 11, 2018 at 9:16 am
Yes, I think we are.
August 11, 2018 at 9:14 am
Susan, you already know how well I understand and relate to what you have written here. And though it pains my heart to read some of these words, I can’t help but smile because I know what you are striving for and it warms my heart. We are all so damn complicated, aren’t we? I am the comedian. I walk into a room, put everyone at ease and make them laugh. Laughter and humour are my lifelines. But I am also the girl who leaves that room, carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, struggling to understand why I feel so deeply, wondering how I am going to survive. Most people wouldn’t even know. But over the past year, I have learned that it’s okay for me to disappear. In fact, it is essential to my well-being that I do. Over the last 5 years, I also have discovered the magic of truly being alive. There is no feeling in the world like it. It’s like electricity pulsing through every vein and in that moment nothing else matters because it all finally makes sense. All of the pain and tears come together to deliver the greatest gift your soul will ever receive. I felt it for the first time on the Brooklyn Bridge. A moment I will remember even in my future demented state. I so badly want you to know that feeling. So, you go. Feel everything you need to, even if it hurts, and gobble it all up. It will teach you things you didn’t even know you needed to know. And it will change your life. I promise. Just as you have been here for me every time I have re-emerged, I will be here when you do with open arms. By the way, I want it on record that I very much dispute your assessment that you are not a good friend because you have proven to me time and again that you are a very good and wonderful friend. Thank you, Susan. For everything. You know where to find me, my friend. Big hug and oodles and oodles of love!! xoxo
August 11, 2018 at 9:19 am
I love you, Tanya. Thank you for showing me this path and what can come of it if I allow it to.
August 11, 2018 at 9:26 am
I love you, too, Susan.
August 11, 2018 at 10:13 am
Hear hear!!!! You have so perfectly stated it. Nothin I can say to this. And Susan fucking rocks!!!
August 11, 2018 at 10:28 am
Love you, Sweet Wulf!
August 11, 2018 at 10:29 am
Love you back, Susan! ❤️
August 11, 2018 at 11:18 am
You’re easy to be friends with for all the things you said. I like to disappear too. I’ll meet u when we come back to light.
August 11, 2018 at 1:39 pm
You got it, Gorgeous!
August 11, 2018 at 1:24 pm
What’s nice about blogging is that you can control the pace and the frequency of the conversation. You can respond when you’re in the mood too.
Blogging is such a nice way to connect with the world.
August 11, 2018 at 1:41 pm
I totally concur!
August 11, 2018 at 1:35 pm
People either accept you for who are or they don’t. There’s nothing wrong with being a loner. I think most good writers trend in that direction. That is my tendency as well.
August 11, 2018 at 1:42 pm
I am in good company then! One thing I love about getting older is that I embrace all of the things that used to make me feel somehow flawed. Now I know it is just who I am and that is ok. You are so awesome, Steve!!!!
August 11, 2018 at 2:00 pm
These days with our mobile phones we’re never alone – I was visiting a friend and her phone pinged every 20 mins, its like being in a room with 30 people, when really there were only 2, or one alone if I wasn’t there!
August 11, 2018 at 2:04 pm
That makes me crazy!!!!
August 11, 2018 at 5:01 pm
Ha, yes, it probably would me too!!
August 11, 2018 at 2:42 pm
As the Oracle of Delphi once
advised me, ‘Know Thyself’.
If it wasn’t for seven children
I’d be a hermit in Tibet,
or at least a footloose recluse.
August 11, 2018 at 4:02 pm
You always make me smile, David!!
August 11, 2018 at 3:32 pm
IMHO, what makes you the most lovable of all is that you “own your shit”. I am sorry that you are so hard on yourself though. I think you are a great person and that you should continue doing whatever it is that you need to do to keep being you
August 11, 2018 at 4:05 pm
I totally love you, Grace!!!!! Thank you!
August 11, 2018 at 7:03 pm
I am definitely the same way, you’ve probably noticed. Like you, I also ebb and flow. And I agree that has increased with age for me too. But you a bad friend? Never! You are the deepest well of love and friendship.❤️
August 12, 2018 at 7:06 am
You know me better than most, Sarah. And because we are the same, you totally get it! I love you BB!
August 12, 2018 at 7:12 am
BP, I love you!
August 12, 2018 at 7:14 am
(For those who follow the comments, BP is for Badass Poet!)
August 12, 2018 at 7:18 am
I adore you, Badass Ballerina!
August 12, 2018 at 7:45 am
Hahaha! You outed me! Adoration back at you!
August 12, 2018 at 8:13 am
I figured it was ok…..you aren’t upset are you? You should shout if from the mountain tops. You are a total BADASS!!!
August 12, 2018 at 7:59 pm
Awww Susan, not upset at all! Blushing! 😊
August 12, 2018 at 8:02 pm
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
August 11, 2018 at 7:46 pm
I get it ☺ Take some time when you need it. We all need our quiet times. ☺❤
August 12, 2018 at 7:08 am
Thank you, Sweet Walt! I am not totally disappearing, just need to divide my time better. It just occurred to me; I call myself a loner, but perhaps I am just unreliable. hahahahaha!
August 12, 2018 at 10:25 am
You? Unreliable? Hogwash! You are the most dependable person I know!
August 12, 2018 at 12:47 pm
I can really relate. Ironically, I find that the people like you (or us) are the easiest people for ME to be friends with!
August 12, 2018 at 3:44 pm
Me too!
August 16, 2018 at 6:11 am
I identify with this SO HARD, I’ve had to restrain myself from liking every single comment. This is also my truth and so many people don’t get it. But, like others above, I would have to heartily disagree with the ‘bad friend’ comment. I have personally experienced and witnessed your incredible support of others, you’re non-judgemental, you’re kind, what more would anyone ask of a friend? THEY be the high-maintenance crew. I’m fortunate that I have ALOT of alone time, even at work, but I’ve never felt lonely. I can be a bit odd, always on the outside looking in, but it’s where I’m most comfortable. THIS WORLD HERE feels like home, where us introverts can come and go with acceptance. Disappearing when we need to and crashing back in when we’re feeling brave. Life’s too short to behave in a way that is not who you are. Keep being you 😉
August 16, 2018 at 6:26 am
This comment gave me chills; it’s like you are saying my words (in your wonderful way of course). I have also always been a bit odd, on the outside looking in. I have a lot of alone time as well; I require it. Now I just have to get past feeling like I am abandoning others when I do things for myself. Does that make sense?
August 16, 2018 at 6:41 am
Complete sense. And it is unwarranted guilt that is making you think you’re abandoning others, whereas true friends will already understand who you are, what your needs are and won’t be feeling abandoned at all. I’m so old now, I’ve run out of fucks to give regarding what others think of me 😉 It’s why I’ve learned to love social media, a way of being in others lives and keeping those important to me in my life without the anxiety and drain of social interaction. I have more contact with my closest friends and family (who I don’t live near) because of the internet, but on my terms, my timing 🙂
August 16, 2018 at 6:45 am
I am 100% with you. Social media is a haven for introverts. I love that it can be on my terms. I sometimes can’t believe that at almost 50 I still have so much residual shit from when I was younger. I am adoring the hell out you right now!!!!! Even more than I already did!!!!
September 3, 2018 at 4:00 pm
Every word of this rings like a bell. It’s perfect. I thought it was just me! I’m I glad you wrote this Susan.