I fell a few weeks ago, on the sidewalk, while gawking at another new group of hideous town houses that are being built in our neighborhood. When I fell, I cried, not because it hurt, but because I felt humiliated, broken, slapped in the face yet again by RP. My depression and self loathing voices took center stage and told me I was useless and really shouldn’t even be outside if I can’t manage to walk a block without falling down and scraping my knees. I wanted to hide, from the RP and the day and the world. I wanted to hide from myself, pretend I was graceful, dream I could float. My sadness turned to anger and I stumbled home, terrified that every step may be the one to send me back into the unwelcome embrace of the pavement. Until very recently, this had been my usual response to falling.
Then, the inevitable happened a few days ago. I was hiking, and I fell. It wasn’t a bad fall. I have had much worse falls, falls that resulted in broken bones. This fall just scraped me up a bit. One moment I was walking and the next I was falling onto the dirt, gravel tearing the skin from my hands, with the melodious voice of Stan Ridgway providing the soundtrack for the scene.
I am used to falling; it comes with the territory when you have RP, but what was different about this fall, was how I responded to it. Not physically; physically I am pretty good at falling, most of the time (the broken leg incident being an exception of course). It was my emotional response to the fall that was different.
When I fell, those first moments in the dirt, my heart began to sink into the usual abyss of self-flagellation, but I caught it. I took a breath, assessed my ankles – I have twisted and sprained my ankles countless times since childhood – and looked up into the face of a kind woman who asked if I was ok. I assured her I was, smiled and scrambled up off the ground. My pants were covered in dust and my hand was bleeding from a series of cuts, but mostly, I was unscathed. I poured water over my hand, to clean it out, and started hiking again, Stan still in my ears, singing about eating barbequed iguana. I got my groove back pretty quickly.
I walked the two miles home from the spot where I fell, hand bleeding and stinging, but I didn’t cry. I wasn’t defeated. I knew it wouldn’t be my last fall, but despite that, I would be up on that mountain again. I will be up there today, but I might leave Stan and his iguana at home; that song was stuck in my head for days.
June 2, 2018 at 8:02 am
Congrats on wrestling the beast to the ground.
June 2, 2018 at 8:06 am
Thank you!!!!!
June 2, 2018 at 8:07 am
You’re welcome. ☺
June 2, 2018 at 8:31 am
Reading this in awe, Susan. Well done. Do you use poles when walking? Here in the Lake District, nordic poles have become very popular over the last few years. We take our dog Alfie out with us on the Cumbrian fells (he’s a cross between a labrador and a German Shepherd, and he loves it … ). Best wishes Jonathan 🙂
June 2, 2018 at 8:41 am
I haven’t used them, but will definitely consider it! I am going to imagine I am walking where you guys walk, the next time I am trekking through the Hollywood Hills.
June 2, 2018 at 8:46 am
You should be so proud of keeping going, holding your head high and not giving the self-flagellating and critical inner voice the chance to take over. x
June 2, 2018 at 8:47 am
Thank you so much, for the encouragement and for reading!!!!!!
June 2, 2018 at 9:39 am
Thatta girl! A painful way to offer us a beautiful metaphor. I’ve been on that same ‘walk of shame’ back home for so long, it seems cruel at times. However, the climb back up, when we forge our way back up to the top, will taste all the sweeter, right? That’s the hope, anyway. We just aren’t the type to stay at the bottom for fear of falling on the way up. That, I know for sure.
And not to discount your experience, because I know there are so many layers to your fall, but I fall running on trails a lot…like ‘land face down’ fall. The ego never escapes intact. I say that to let you know, you are not alone…
June 2, 2018 at 9:45 am
Thank you so much, Brooke. It does suck to fall, but you are so right, we will continue to get back up!!!!! I am on my way there now!
June 2, 2018 at 9:45 am
That makes my heart happy. 🙂
June 2, 2018 at 9:51 am
I love your persistence. Determination. Oh and your writing…love of animals…sense of humor. Among so many other amazing qualities.
June 2, 2018 at 9:54 am
Thank you, Lovely Wulf!!!! I am going with Earth Wind and Fire for my hike today; a bit of Serpentine Fire may do my steps some good!
June 2, 2018 at 9:57 am
Oh yes…the Tower of Power!!!
June 2, 2018 at 10:46 am
My heart hurts over your humiliation and tears, but soars with your triumph! There is no force in the verse that can stop a determined Sue. Believe me, I know! 👏👏👏👏👏
June 2, 2018 at 10:50 am
You always make me feel good! Thank you, my friend! I am so grateful for your friendship!
June 2, 2018 at 11:32 am
You should definitely consider getting those poles. What’s a hiker without them ?
Way to go girl. Don’t forget to scream when you’re on top. I’m there too, remember?
June 2, 2018 at 1:33 pm
I totally did!!! Got some strange looks, but I don’t fucking care!
June 2, 2018 at 1:57 pm
Great. Fuck them. You should move to Germany. They are perfectly normal here.
June 2, 2018 at 2:33 pm
Hahaha! I wish!!!! One day, Joe and I will leave this place….one day.
June 2, 2018 at 2:38 pm
And I’ll be waiting for you.
June 2, 2018 at 12:31 pm
Proud of you, Susan! You are growing stronger by the day and overcoming considerable obstacles – mental and physical – it’s obvious, and that makes me very happy! I have a question, though. Umm, do people actually eat barbecued Iguana’s? Is that why he sang a song about it? Susan…what the fuck?!?!
June 2, 2018 at 1:38 pm
You made me laugh out loud, you wonderful woman!!!! I have no idea about the iguanas; Stan is a bit out there, so who knows. Catchy title though, right? Hahaha! Thank you, as ever, for being a wonder and a support and just super amazing!!!!!
June 2, 2018 at 1:27 pm
I am doing a happy dance for you. Getting up and attempting it again takes courage and determination. Your strength is inspiring.
June 2, 2018 at 1:39 pm
Thank you so much! If I give even a bit of inspiration, then I am doing something right.
June 2, 2018 at 2:31 pm
When my pain makes me want to quit, i think of you and your strength and inspiration, and I go on. My problems seem so small when i think of what you are going through. Thank you Susan, for being you and for being such an inspiration for all of us.
June 2, 2018 at 2:35 pm
I Love you Walt! You are so generous, so kind and good and supportive. And, you write lovely poetry! I am grateful to know you!
June 2, 2018 at 2:37 pm
I am humbled by your words dear friend. Thanks for being my friend. Hugs & Love ☺❤
June 2, 2018 at 3:38 pm
I love the journey in this post. That took bravery and its a lovely feeling when we can feel our acceptance growing. So happy for you but sad also you had the falls but then I guess falling IS all a part of life and having the RP. Hugs and love ❤
June 2, 2018 at 3:46 pm
Thank you so much!!!!! I know there is so much pain on both of our journeys, but the moments of feeling truly alive are amazing. I feel like that when I fall and then get up. I have done it a million times. I can do it a million more. I think the most important thing I have gained in getting older, is hope. Sending so much love your way!
June 2, 2018 at 3:57 pm
One thing is this being alive and feeling even hurt or pain is a gift, isnt it? We just have to say yes to the journey and yes to getting back up over and over and over until the day we day. Lots of hugs beautiful ❤ ❤ ❤
June 2, 2018 at 4:00 pm
Day we die that is whoops 🙂
June 2, 2018 at 5:17 pm
Oh precious sister of mine, this sends my heart soaring!!!!!!! You are a warrior ❤️
June 3, 2018 at 6:08 am
Thank you!! You are the trail blazer for being a warrior, my friend. Truly! Your strength is immeasurable. You make me want to be braver.
June 3, 2018 at 1:42 pm
You are already among the bravest, Susan. You don’t quit.
June 3, 2018 at 4:16 pm
I love you, my friend! Thank you!
June 3, 2018 at 6:43 pm
The love flows right back to ya ❤️❤️❤️
June 3, 2018 at 5:15 am
A few things went through my head reading this. In no particular order…….
One of the best lessons I learnt was ‘you can’t change what’s happened, but you can change how you let it make you feel’. Total game-changer.
When Madonna had her costume fail and subsequent fall whilst performing live on tv, she later commented how people were all ‘Did you see Madonna fall?’ and her response was ‘Yeah, I fell. Did you see me get back up?!’
If it happens again, get back up and take a bow 😉
June 3, 2018 at 6:10 am
This totally made me smile!!!! Thank you!
June 3, 2018 at 7:22 am
There she is! Hello Susan! You got this! xoxo
June 3, 2018 at 8:05 am
Thank you, Lovely Lady!!!! You are an inspiration to me, you know! Love you!
June 3, 2018 at 10:14 am
Xoxo!
June 3, 2018 at 1:32 pm
People fall–it’s the getting up that’s important. I always look at figure skaters and think “How can you enjoy something when you fall so much?” But they always get up and keep going and end with a smile. Figure skating is a good metaphor for life, I think.
June 3, 2018 at 4:16 pm
I am totally going to be thinking of figure skaters the next time I am trudging up that hill!!!!!! Any hill really!
June 3, 2018 at 2:08 pm
So many emotions reading this, some sadness, then replaced by pride for you and a tinge of victory at your amazing attitude. Stay strong lovely you.
June 3, 2018 at 4:19 pm
Thank you, Beautiful Lady!
June 3, 2018 at 5:56 pm
You’re very welcome. 💕
June 3, 2018 at 2:59 pm
Woot, woot, Susan!!! I’m so happy for you!
June 3, 2018 at 4:19 pm
Thank you, Angela!!!!
June 3, 2018 at 4:21 pm
You are most welcome!
June 3, 2018 at 5:42 pm
you are very strong, it just took a while for you to find out just how strong you are. A lot of people’s answer to falling would be to stay home. Not you
June 4, 2018 at 8:38 am
Thank you so much,Billy! I have had my share of staying home, and I am sure I will again, but it felt good to have a different response to falling this time.
June 5, 2018 at 4:13 am
Good for you! It takes strength to send the negative voices back where they belong, and you have it!
June 5, 2018 at 9:07 am
Thank you so much!!!!
June 22, 2018 at 10:01 am
One of these days, when I get to that end of the state we’ll have to hike and fall down together! Always a pleasure reading your work. 🙂
June 27, 2018 at 8:53 am
Dear Woman, my mother has RP and has had it since infancy. She’s in her seventies now. Let’s talk more! Hugs (of the non patronizing kind) to you!
June 27, 2018 at 9:32 am
It is very rare that I come across anyone who has any idea what RP is. I would love to hear more about your experiences from the other side of it. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Let’s definitely talk more.
August 14, 2018 at 1:25 am
Brave, brave, amazing Susan. You’re such a stunning writer. You will not be defeated by RP. (Oh, I want to strangle it for hurting you! Broken leg?? Oh my dear!) This is magnificent, your reaction this time. Thank you for this.
August 14, 2018 at 7:35 am
Thank you, my sister! For always being so loving and so supportive of me!