I didn’t start this month thinking I would be writing about mental illness, but I have been so encouraged by the bravery of other writers sharing their experiences, I feel the need to share my own, with the hope that it may help someone, somehow. My experiences are not unique, but that is the point; there are so many of us out there who suffer from depression and anxiety, and we should not feel ashamed.
This morning I read another post from Wil Wheaton, this one about panic attacks. I took it as a sign that it was time for me to write about my own experience with panic attacks.
The first time I had a panic attack that I actually allowed myself to define as a panic attack, was just in the past few years. I was in the park with my dogs, a park that I go to several times a week that is only half a block from my apartment. It was the middle of the day, the park wasn’t particularly crowded and the dogs were having a blast sniffing every morsel of ground they could cover. We got to what I consider the middle of the park; an area with some small lawns, several picnic tables and a basketball court. There were the customary groups of older Russian men huddled at the tables, playing cards or chess. A few other people with dogs were meandering around, there were 2 or 3 children playing quietly, and the basketball court was being utilized for a small exercise class.
The dogs and I made our way toward a small path leading to a brick walkway that would take us to the back of the park, and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with feelings of terror. My heart sped up, the skin on my face felt prickly and my hands were sweating. I was having trouble breathing. The park was quiet, but everywhere I looked there seemed to be people and dogs and noise, so much noise. I felt trapped. I started crying and thinking to myself, ” how the hell am I going to get out of here?” I surveyed the area, looking for escape routes on which I wouldn’t have to walk by any people, but I couldn’t’ find a way out. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t stand the thought of having any contact with another person, even having to walk within 10 feet of someone felt terrifying. I felt claustrophobic. I felt like I had no right to be there, to be alive. I was terrified of being seen, discovered. The world was closing in on me.
I sat down on a low brick wall just a few feet behind me. I sat there for about 20 minutes, filled with fear, crying, barely breathing, trying to find a way out and the courage to move. My dogs were restless and I knew I had to get them home, so I finally stood up and started walking toward the exit of the park, holding my breath as if that would somehow make me less noticeable.
When I was finally out of the park and on the sidewalk heading home, my shoulders relaxed and my breathing evened out, but I knew that what had just happened was a panic attack and that I had been having them for years.
I realized that all of the hours on the bus, feeling anxious and looking for ways out, afraid the bus would get crowded, heart racing and beating with fear, terrified I would miss my stop and not get home, terrified to be so close to other people, feeling as if the presence of my body and my breath were taking up too much space, all of these experiences had been panic attacks. I had always blamed the feelings on my introversion, claustrophobia, and later on RP, but they were panic attacks and I had been having them since childhood.
My particular brand of panic attack usually manifests with feelings of being trapped and those feelings escalate to irrational states of utter terror. I have always hated crowds, but it doesn’t have to be crowded for the panic attacks to arise and they can happen anywhere; that day in the park was a perfect example. It may sound strange, but finally being willing or able to put a name to this thing that had been happening to me for so long, was actually a relief. I felt less culpable. It wasn’t my fault, it was just my fucked up brain doing it’s best to mess with my life, yet again.
May 19, 2018 at 8:15 am
Panic Attacks are terrifying!!! I have used different approaches to ‘self-talk’ my way through them but they are still extremely terrifying. I started getting very nervous just reading your experience… my heart is still beating fast. Dang, you should warn folks. Your description was very accurate. Excellent post! ~Kim
May 19, 2018 at 8:20 am
Thank you, Lovely Lady, and sorry I got you nervous. I have some self talk methods too, but you are so right, the attacks are still terrifying. I think all we can do is acquire as many tools as possible to help ourselves and understand what is happening. This being a person thing is really hard.
May 19, 2018 at 8:39 am
It is for sure. But sometimes we can ease our way through these attacks and at other times we just are not successful. We have to be Ok with that too.
May 19, 2018 at 8:40 am
xoxoxoxo
May 19, 2018 at 8:17 am
Susan, another example of gloriously bold writing.
These attacks are another misunderstood aspect of mental illness. I have seen people very close to me suffer from these, and they do seem to go hand in hand with other clinical conditions.
I truly hope we are able to evolve past the point of placing stigma’s on these and accept them for what they are to help those that suffer.
May 19, 2018 at 8:23 am
Thank you, Sweet Wulf! I hope the same; it is why I am writing about it. Do you follow Wil Wheaton’s blog? It is really worth reading; he has inspired me to start really opening up and he is reaching so many people. And, he is seriously smart and talented! Thank you for always being so wonderful!
May 19, 2018 at 8:35 am
While I am familiar with him, I don’t follow his blog.
I know you are making improvement just by writing about it. Self-examination is most always a great thing.
May 19, 2018 at 8:36 am
Definitely! xoxo
May 22, 2018 at 9:33 am
Oddly enough I hardly ever read Wil’s blog, anymore, though he’s the sole reason I had the guts to jump into the blogging game in the first place. So much good stuff on here, he got drowned out!
May 22, 2018 at 9:47 am
I read it off and on; Joe sent me one of the recent posts and it got me back on board with him. I really like him!
May 19, 2018 at 8:50 am
Powerful post. I’m glad that you were able to put it to paper, I hope it gets you solace.
I think many suffer from anxiety, only the severity of the manifestations may vary. I know I have a lot of anxiety myself and I have developed an extensive list of coping mechanisms. My biggest one lately is to simply avoid situations that have been problematic in the past.
Great, honest piece
May 19, 2018 at 8:56 am
Thank you, Billy. I do find it incredibly helpful to write about all of this; it is my elixir. One of my coping mechanisms is also avoiding situations that make me anxious, or removing myself from them. I have gotten off the bus more times that I can count, in order to quell the panic. I hope that my writing about these things will help others in some way.
May 19, 2018 at 9:42 am
I’m sure that it does
May 22, 2018 at 9:37 am
I know so little, or absolutely nothing, about these kinds of attacks, so forgive this question if it comes from ignorance. I had come to understand that panic attacks have a “mysterious” trigger and can happen anytime, almost randomly. By both of your responses, is that a misunderstanding on my part??
May 22, 2018 at 9:46 am
I don’t know a whole lot, but I do believe that the attacks can come from both known and mysterious triggers. I have had both kinds and the common thread is that the feelings are overwhelming and irrational, and are accompanied by similar physical responses. But, I am just learning about this stuff, so please share what you know, Tom! It may be that one is an actual panic attack and the other is something else.
May 23, 2018 at 11:31 am
That is part of it. It can be brought on by a sound or smell that triggers a traumatic event that you may have suppressed. Sometimes it’s an extension of just being really uncomfortable. I had crippling test anxiety when I was a kid. It was bad
May 23, 2018 at 2:23 pm
I actually feel relieved knowing now what has been happening for so long. It is really helpful to her about other’s experiences. Thank you Billy!
May 23, 2018 at 2:30 pm
I’d like to hear your answer to Tom’s question. It’s your post after all
May 23, 2018 at 3:15 pm
I understand it the way you do. It can be triggered by something that is a familiar trigger or something that comes out of nowhere. I am just now beginning to learn more about how varied panic attacks can be. I know people who wake up in a panic attack. It is rough.
May 23, 2018 at 4:05 pm
I think to a certain degree I’m still crippled by them. The difference is now I am much better at controlling my environment, recognizing the signs and not putting myself into a situation in which I’ll have a problem
May 23, 2018 at 4:10 pm
I feel the same, now that I know what they are and have acquired some tools to deal with them. The tools don’t always work, but it is good to have them .
May 19, 2018 at 9:27 am
Powerful post, my dear. ❤️❤️
May 19, 2018 at 10:36 am
Thank you,Rita. Sending love your way!
May 19, 2018 at 10:44 am
Received ❤️
May 19, 2018 at 9:35 am
Thank you for being brave and always sharing! I love you for who you are. XO
May 19, 2018 at 10:36 am
I love you Lady!!! We have some sangria in our future, for sure!!!!
May 19, 2018 at 9:54 am
Thank you for sharing your experience. This was a great post.
May 19, 2018 at 10:38 am
Thank you so much! It means more than you know that you take the time to read and comment. Your writing is so beautiful!
May 19, 2018 at 12:15 pm
And thank you for your kind words!
May 19, 2018 at 10:44 am
I am of course sorry this happens to you, my Mother had panic attacks and it’s really hard to deal with something that can just happen. I hope that recognizing that these happen can help you deal with them. You are not alone!
May 19, 2018 at 10:46 am
How did I not know this about your Mother? I am so sad that she had to go through that. I never forget what is important. The panic subsides and I get to come home to you.
May 19, 2018 at 10:56 am
That’s Right! 🙂
May 19, 2018 at 10:59 am
I’ve only suffered a couple of panic attacks in my life and you described it very well. I hope, if you continue writing about them, you will find a way to ease them out of your life or find some solutions from others. Best Wishes.
May 19, 2018 at 5:21 pm
As someone who lives with two people that are prone to these attacks, I certainly feel your pain. It’s tough to witness too because we feel we should be able to “fix” and feel impotent knowing we can’t.we can only love and support
May 19, 2018 at 5:24 pm
I know Joe feels the same as you do, Steve, and I am sure your people feel as I do; the love and support I get is what helps me, knowing that the attack will pass and what is on the other side of it is truly special and amazing.
May 20, 2018 at 8:10 am
I started suffering from panic attacks after I was in a pretty bad car accident. It took a couple of years and forcing myself to drive on the highway, but they eventually went away. Then they started up again when I was forced to leave my job because I was being harassed by a colleague. They were really awful, and triggered by the same things as yours (feelings of being trapped and so on). After a year of being in a very supportive environment, and several months of seeing a clinical psychologist, they finally faded away. Until a couple of months ago, when I was trapped in an elevator, which seemed to trigger them again. I had a couple of bad ones (one in particular where I was in a very crowded subway train that suddenly stopped in the middle of a tunnel for over 15 minutes), but they’ve died down again. I can’t do anything but accept this about myself, use all the techniques that I learned in therapy, and know that a lot of other people have them too and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sorry for such a long comment!
May 20, 2018 at 9:04 am
I love your long comment and that you shared all of this, because there are so many of us and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I was right there with you as I read this, in the elevator and on the subway. Thank you so much for sharing.
May 20, 2018 at 5:57 pm
It takes courage to lean into the pain and darkness instead of hiding or letting it shake you into believing that’s all there is. We’ve all been there. We all know, it eventually subsides. But that doesn’t diminish the grueling reality of the process.
But each time is an opportunity for a metamorphosis. You know this. All we can do is commit to maintaining perspective and inundate ourselves with every morsel of positive we can get from every possible source we can get it from…while giving ourselves permission to feel our way through the messy parts.
I thought of this passage by Glennon Doyle-Melton. I refer back to it when I start to feel like I’m broken beyond repair…
“You can be shattered and then you can put yourself back together piece by piece.
But what can happen over time is this: You wake up one day and realize that you have put yourself back together completely differently. That you are whole, finally, and strong – but you are now a different shape, a different size. This sort of change — the change that occurs when you sit inside your own pain — it’s revolutionary. When you let yourself die, there is suddenly one day: new life. You are Different. New. And no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot fit into your old life anymore. You are like a snake trying to fit into old, dead skin, or a butterfly trying to crawl back into the cocoon”
Because you just do not fit. And suddenly you know that. And you have become a woman who doesn’t ignore her knowing. Who doesn’t pretend she doesn’t know. Because pretending makes you sick. And because you never promised yourself an easy life, but you did promise yourself a true one. You did promise – back when you were putting yourself back together – that you’d never betray you again.”
Courage, dear heart…
May 21, 2018 at 7:45 am
Thank you for this, Brooke!
May 21, 2018 at 8:29 pm
Thank you for writing this. I can only hope that each time someone shares their experience with panic attacks that another soul feels less alone.
Like you, I’ve had panic attacks since childhood but had no name for what was happening to me. I can still feel the attacks so vividly. I thought I was losing my mind but I had no way to reach out, I could not put feelings to words and withdrew more and more.
If not for a good friend of mine speaking out about her own panic attacks it would have taken me much longer to understand what I was going through. Thank you for being that person to so many.
May 21, 2018 at 9:08 pm
We both are that person and we have had people help us and it will continue. You are brave and lovely. Thank you for sharing this bit of your story.
May 22, 2018 at 9:30 am
Hi Susan. I wasn’t sure how to comment on your post because frankly, I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground on this topic. There are no words I can offer to help because if I knew what helped I wouldn’t be in the position, I am in. Thanks to the chaos of my childhood, I am plagued with anxiety. My vice to help me get through it was cleaning. At the age of 14, I chose to go home and clean the house on my breaks between classes rather than hang out with my friends, because as long as everything was clean, then everything was okay. It wasn’t, but just for a moment, when there wasn’t an ounce of dust or any drops of water on the faucet, order had been restored. It was as though there was no evidence that anyone had been there, and that I had made it all new again. That has never changed in me, which is good and bad. I am constantly burdened by my need to clean, which is annoying, but I am the best damn roommate or partner to live with because you won’t ever have to vacuum or clean shit. There is always a silver lining. When I had my first full-blown panic attack sitting in a hotel conference room in Poland, I thought I was going to drop dead. Holy fuck, I upped my cleaning game like a boss after that happened. But I survived and I continue to survive my way through it. And you are doing the same. Anyway, I don’t even know what I am trying to say or what I need to say, just want you to know that I understand. The best thing we can do is keep moving forward and find beauty in every nook and cranny, because it is the food our souls need to soar. We are stronger than the voices and will keep winning the battles – that is the only thing I am sure of.
May 22, 2018 at 9:37 am
You found your coping mechanism Tanya, and no matter where it was conceived, if it helps you get through, then do what you need to do. You are, as ever, lovely and amazing! We are totally strong and speaking up or writing about all of this makes me feel stronger and hopefully it will help someone else who has had similar experiences.
May 23, 2018 at 8:01 am
Dear Susan, I have read your last three posts and I care so much about you, I have been at a loss for words. Anything I thought to say to you seemed to me like unsolicited advice or something unnecessary. All I can say is I too have suffered greatly from panic attacks and depression. With the time, therapy and supportive relationships I was able to heal, but I still struggle with it occasionally. All I can say is I am with you.
May 23, 2018 at 8:13 am
You are perfection MP, truly. I have said this before and I will say it a million times, you have an extraordinary heart and talent. Thank you for your support and for sharing your own struggles. My hope is that in sharing our stories, we can help others who have been afraid to share their own.
May 23, 2018 at 8:40 am
🤗💐
May 24, 2018 at 9:38 am
I struggle with anxiety and my gremlins can often get the best of me. Thank you for sharing 🙂
May 24, 2018 at 9:43 am
Thank you for reading!!!!
May 25, 2018 at 9:39 am
You have such power in your words. Inspiring and motivating! ☺❤
May 25, 2018 at 10:18 am
You are wonderful, as ever! Thank you, my friend!
May 25, 2018 at 1:48 pm
You are so welcome!! 🙂
May 26, 2018 at 5:05 am
I have nominated you for the Liebster award. I am just sorry due to so much going on lately I havent been keep up with your posts. If you wish to participate the link is here. I am so glad you are opening up in the way you are. Lots of love and hugs
https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2018/05/26/the-liebster-award/
May 26, 2018 at 8:01 am
Thank you so much, and I am sorry as well. I have been feeling a bit buried and haven’t been keeping up. Thank you so much for the nomination. I don’t do the award stuff on my blog, but I am grateful for the nomination. I know you are on a difficult but illuminating path right now; my thoughts and love are with you.
May 27, 2018 at 12:54 am
Thank you for sharing, love. This was an incredibly honest post, and, as Kim and I concluded the other day, the more we talk about our weaknesses and vulnerability, the sooner we can expect recovery and progress.
Maybe your experiences are not unique, but you most certainly are.
May 27, 2018 at 6:13 am
Thank you, my friend! I Love and Adore You!
May 28, 2018 at 6:35 am
I can so relate to this and I do feel for you. I had my first panic attack years ago, in a supermarket, and I had no idea what was happening to me. It was terrifying. I ended up at the doctors and being taken by ambulance to a hospital. All day they ran tests but of course they found nothing. Now I recognise the signs and they happen far less frequently. Mostly though it’s my own self talk that gets me through, but it took a long time. Sending hugs xx
May 28, 2018 at 6:42 am
Thank you, Miriam. For the support and for sharing your experience. xoxo
May 28, 2018 at 1:51 pm
You’re very welcome xx