I am feeling compelled to continue writing about living with depression and all the layers that come with it. I think it can be confusing, but needs to be talked about so the stigma of it gets eradicated and it can be treated just like any other illness that a person is saddled with.
For years, I have trudged through the muck with all of the lies strapped to my back, feeling like everything was my fault, like I didn’t deserve to be alive, much less to be sad. But, depression isn’t that simple. It isn’t just about sadness. It has many different faces, hides behind cloaks and bears a variety of teeth. It is different and similar for every person, just like RP or Fibromyalgia, and so many other maladies.
I wrote something in a comment on yesterday’s post about having to choose, every day, whether or not to climb the mountain that is depression. One of the most important things I have realized in this journey through mental illness is that I may not have a choice about living with depression, but I do have choices about how to deal with it. The older I get, the more choices I discover and the quicker I can get climbing.
I have had breakdowns that have lasted months and left me unable to move or talk to anyone, and I have had dives into depression that I come out of more quickly. Today, I feel better than I did yesterday, or a week ago, because I woke up choosing to face the day differently, to turn down the volume of depression and to take paths I have discovered that will help me feel better. This may sound easy and you may wonder why the fuck I don’t choose to do this every day; believe me, if I could, I would. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. Sometimes.
Like RP, depression doesn’t just go away. I know this now. There is no happy pill, no magic eraser, but there is my own strength, my own resolve, and even when depression is telling me that I don’t have either of those things, they are still there. Depression has a heavy fist, but I have a whisper that travels and the courage to open my eyes.
Just as I do with RP, I try to look at and write about depression as honestly as I can. I also use the writing about it as a tool to find my voice and to see the shapes of the world with new eyes. So today, I choose to climb and feel every muscle, every ache and pain and all of the joy. I choose to get up and face the day and see what it brings.
May 16, 2018 at 10:01 am
Let’s rock & roll!
May 16, 2018 at 5:17 pm
I hope the day brought what you wanted, or at least needed, Susan! Please make that choice to climb every day you are able, and if you need a hand know that there’s a bunch over here ready and able.
Write about it as often as you feel compelled to do so. Your honesty is amazing!
May 16, 2018 at 5:32 pm
Thank you so much, Tom. I am truly grateful for the support and kindness. I hope that my writing about it will help other people, to understand or not feel so alone or to recognize that they may suffer from the same things.
I actually literally climbed (or hiked, but that doesn’t sound as impressive) a mountain today. Sometimes it helps to get into my body and out of my head. The problem is that I really do prefer the couch and a glass of wine and a good British murder mystery. Big Smile!!! xoxoxo
May 17, 2018 at 7:23 am
Everything in balance, Susan! 🥂✊
May 16, 2018 at 7:46 pm
That’s my girl. SO proud of you honey.
I’m a hiker too (for real). That’s what we do. We climb mountains for that little piece of heaven we find up there. Next time you do it, take a deep breath and scream so loudly that I can hear you across the oceans: I’m the FUCKING QUEEN OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!
May 17, 2018 at 6:01 am
I love this!!!!! It makes me happy to think of you hiking and of both of shouting into the sky. xoxoxoxo
May 17, 2018 at 8:19 am
I saw us today on top of a mounting, holding hands and shouting. Honest to god. I loved it.
May 17, 2018 at 8:31 am
This image is going to take me through my day! I love and adore you Gorgeous Lady! Always will.
May 17, 2018 at 8:35 am
Mounting= mountain. 🙂
It was very liberating. I love to scream. I wish I could do it whenever I feel like it instead of screaming inside.
May 17, 2018 at 9:48 am
I hear you – in the screaming and the wishing.
May 17, 2018 at 6:11 am
I think you will like this magazine – some amazing work – https://burninghousepress.com/2018/05/17/2-poems-by-jesse-rice-evans/
May 17, 2018 at 8:16 am
I’ll check it out. Thanks, dear.
May 17, 2018 at 8:28 am
Here’s another good one. A recommendation from a poet I think highly of.
https://scarriet.wordpress.com/2018/05/17/no-art-now/#comment-71676
https://scarriet.wordpress.com/2018/05/15/privately/#comment-71562
May 17, 2018 at 8:31 am
I will check it out now – thank you love!
May 17, 2018 at 8:34 am
Really good!!!
May 17, 2018 at 8:50 am
He is. Very unique.
May 17, 2018 at 11:09 am
Just read Jesse Rice-Evans. She’s fucking amazing. Why don’t you submit some poems?
May 17, 2018 at 4:39 pm
She totally blew me away as well. I absolutely love that you think my poetry is good enough to submit to this place. I will definitely think about it. As should you!!! xoxoxo
May 18, 2018 at 1:50 am
Good enough is an understatement. I already did. Go for it girl. There’s nth to lose.
May 18, 2018 at 6:01 am
Thank you Gorgeous! Yay!!!! I am going to submit something today as well!!! I need to dedicate my day to poetry today.
May 17, 2018 at 5:45 am
Susan, sounds like you are tearing back the covers and facing this in the light of public, not the shadow of private shame. That, in itself, is a HUGE victory.
May 17, 2018 at 6:05 am
Thank you, Wulf! It was really reading others posts about it that led me to feeling like it was time for me to write more directly about depression and mental illness. I write a lot about the darkness, but this is more specific and I think important. I have lived more of my life in shame than not, and I don’t want other people to feel that way. I am so lucky to be here, so grateful for you and for our community. I hope the sunrise was beautiful for you today, my friend!
May 17, 2018 at 6:34 am
It takes a degree of courage that many do not possess to write what you are writing. You have no reason to feel shame any longer, Susan. I know there is nothing you can do about the past, but your future IS bright.
It was a lovely sunrise today. The sunrise was almost a red-fuchsia.
May 17, 2018 at 6:36 am
That sounds so beautiful! Thank you for being your wonderful, lovely and caring self.
May 17, 2018 at 7:03 am
Be kind to yourself. Fight like hell, but be kind. xo
May 17, 2018 at 7:04 am
Thank you, Kim!
May 18, 2018 at 6:22 am
I appreciate so much that you share and love to you in the climbing!
May 18, 2018 at 6:33 am
Thank you Beautiful!!! You are, as ever, so kind and generous and wonderful!
May 18, 2018 at 11:18 am
My pleasure, Susan!
May 18, 2018 at 10:56 pm
Reblogged on Stone in the Road. Follow up to Let’s Talk About the D Word.
May 19, 2018 at 5:58 am
xoxoxoxo
May 20, 2018 at 9:24 am
Hi! I love what you said about choice and your relationship with executing it, especially positive choice. I think it’s true that even when we are in our darkest and deepest slumps the desire to choose a different attitude or mindset is there, but like you said, some days or weeks or months you just can’t seem to pull it off. Which makes it even more important on those occasions where you do have the ability to pounce on a moment of positive momentum to do so with all the intensity you can muster! Take a win where you can get one and not beat yourself up more than you already are when you can’t seem to get a win. Cheers! Happy Sunday friend!
May 20, 2018 at 10:10 am
Dylan, I love this. You are so on the mark. Thank you!!!!! Happy Sunday to you! I hope you are enjoying another beautiful day with the puppies!
June 13, 2018 at 4:13 am
When I started blogging last year, I didn’t really know what I wanted out of it. I just wanted to try how it was and if it was the thing for me. A year later, I can’t explain how much it has helped me to express my thoughts and emotion. There are times when my mind is so clouded I can’t think of anything to write. But that doesn’t matter, the ones I have written so far are getting good responses from people. Reading your post encourages me to keep writing. So thank you! 🙂
June 13, 2018 at 6:29 am
I am so glad! Thank you for reading and for continuing to write!!!!!