When the darkness approaches, I turn to face it. I allow it to seep into my skin, to fill my mouth and steal the breath from my tongue. It is the only way out.
I am in it now. I thought I was creeping out, back into the center of something more solid, but I got slammed back down and all I want is to lie here and not have to be me anymore. I long to disintegrate into ashes and rise again with new eyes and less weight on my heart. In reverie, I was born to be a phoenix, but under the spikes of the day, I am a freak who burrows into the minutia of emptiness and tries to escape her skin. I am tangled in familiar threads of despair. For the moment, it is safe here.
Stories From the Edge of Blindness 
May 4, 2018 at 10:35 am
You so eloquently describe the days when it all feels like too much. And also that, while hope is not lost, it’s okay to have days when it all feels like too much!
May 5, 2018 at 6:08 am
Thank you, Angela. Sometimes, I just need to sink, just let it happen.
May 5, 2018 at 6:18 am
I’m very much the same. I don’t wish to avoid, as I believe the only way is through, but the letting it happen it’s tough. In my experience, that process is the most eye opening of all. I’m able to see things about myself and the world I otherwise wouldn’t, and with that, that path forward is a little clearer, one brick at a time. Know you aren’t alone! Love to you.
May 5, 2018 at 6:38 am
Exactly! Thank you, Angela!
May 5, 2018 at 7:04 am
Pleasure is mine, Susan. 💜
May 4, 2018 at 10:48 am
Oh Susan. Dark days. Sending love from my cave to yours.
May 5, 2018 at 6:08 am
And right back to you, my friend. Love Love Love
May 4, 2018 at 12:23 pm
Stay safe, wallow for a while, then get busy living. That’s my motto
May 5, 2018 at 6:10 am
I love this, Steve. I am keeping it in my head as I traverse this space. Thank you!
May 6, 2018 at 9:53 pm
It’s a great motto steve
May 4, 2018 at 12:34 pm
You are not a freak! You are an inspiration to all of us! Don’t long too much, live in the now. You’ll thank God for unanswered prayers. Hugs my friend. ☺❤
May 5, 2018 at 6:11 am
Thank you, Walt!!
May 5, 2018 at 6:35 am
You’re welcome!!
May 5, 2018 at 6:47 am
I hope you know how grateful I am for your gentle and kind spirit and for all of the support and love you give. You truly are so wonderful!
May 5, 2018 at 5:33 pm
Thank you Susan. That means a great deal to me. ☺💜
May 4, 2018 at 3:10 pm
Love you ❤️
May 5, 2018 at 6:13 am
I feel this Rita, so much. Thank you. Love you.
May 5, 2018 at 6:16 am
You are a shining star! We get lost in the galaxy of all the others sometimes it feels like. Makes it harder to see our own light. But oh, you do shine!
May 5, 2018 at 6:37 am
Thank you, my friend! You are the light, you truly are!
May 4, 2018 at 7:30 pm
No escape, no exit… I know that feeling well, “tries to escape her skin.” That hit home. I love this piece. ~Kim
May 5, 2018 at 6:14 am
Thanks, Kim. I know you totally get it.
May 4, 2018 at 8:57 pm
There is a need for darkness. Without it how would one know light? Without the knowledge of cold, how does one compare the comfort of warmth. Never think you are alone, Susan. Side by side and stride for stride, you do not walk alone. ❤️
May 5, 2018 at 6:16 am
Thank you so much, Sweet Wulf. Although I am in a dark place, I also feel incredibly lucky.
May 5, 2018 at 6:19 am
Your next tattoo needs to be the words ebb and flow in flowery script. 💖
May 5, 2018 at 6:44 am
You are brilliant!!!! Such a good idea! I am just so overwhelmed right now; I know you understand. I guess I need to be broken down for a bit, as I find the path back into a more solid space. Perhaps I shouldn’t write what I do, Wulf, in the blog, or use it as a place to figure my shit out, but that ship has already sailed. I am not making any sense right now. You see, totally overwhelmed.
May 5, 2018 at 6:49 am
I do understand…and there is no safer place for you to figure your shit out than with the rest of your tribe. You are making more sense than you realize, so don’t let that bother you for a moment.
May 5, 2018 at 6:50 am
Thank you! xoxoxo
May 4, 2018 at 10:53 pm
You may feel so alone but please know that so many of us know that space and have come through. I really beleive you will too. I just visited my sister who is in the darkest place and cried all the way home I thought my heart would burst. I am shy to say I was screaming too….. It takes courage to allow ourselves to be undone… sending you hugs in spirit. You are most certainly loved here. ❤
May 5, 2018 at 5:32 am
“It takes courage to allow ourselves to be undone.”
I adore that line. 🤗
May 5, 2018 at 6:18 am
Thank you, my friend. I am incredibly grateful for all of the love here. This dark place is not new to me and I know I will emerge from it, but I also know I need to let myself go where my mind and heart take me. And, I do know that you totally get that.
May 5, 2018 at 2:24 pm
I do just surrender…the wave will carry you home…
May 5, 2018 at 5:37 am
I admit to not knowing the difference, all the time, whether you are writing poetry in your prose or reaching out for hope, for help. Regardless, you have one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever seen. Despair is a great place to write from, but a terrible place to wallow. As Wulf says, you are never alone. As Walt says, live in the now, do not long too much. As Steve says, stay safe, get busy living.
As Tom says, love ya, sister! 🤗
May 5, 2018 at 6:35 am
Thank you, my brother! I was hiking yesterday, after writing this post, and thinking about how I am in this sort of darkened loop, for a lot of reasons, and the back and forth of my posts must seem strange. All I can say is that in my writing, I am reaching for some sort of clarity, sort of traveling this loop and learning what I can and seeing what I can, while in motion. I feel sad and overwhelmed, but also incredibly grateful for all of the amazing support and love in my life. I think I also brought, or tried to bring, the poetry into my thought process and into my writing, to bring myself back to a place where, despite my mood, I will continue to write. I came out of feeling buried by the rejections to realize that they were really just icing on a dour cake and they don’t really matter.
Please know that I feel incredibly lucky and I am so immensely grateful for the love and acceptance I have found here in this community and, no matter my path at any given time, those feelings hold strength. I think that must be how it is for all of us, in different ways.
May 6, 2018 at 9:55 pm
I’m going to tell you the same thing I am telling myself right now, It’s ok to not be okay….for a little while at least….but please remember you are never alone!
May 8, 2018 at 7:49 am
Thank you, Grace!!!! You are so awesome!
May 5, 2018 at 8:29 am
An all too familiar theme. Lying in bed wanting it all to end. Beautifully written
May 5, 2018 at 9:13 am
Thank you, Billy. It can be so hard, being a person.
May 5, 2018 at 10:12 am
Just nodding my head to everything that has been said here.
You’ll mend, it takes time. Ups and downs, ebbs and flows are part of our lives.
And yes….I see great poems in the making. Use this state you’re in for your own benefit.
May 5, 2018 at 10:20 am
You know, I will, Bojana. I will use it for the benefit of my writing. I am figuring shit out and I will come out of this knowing more than when I sank below the surface; I always do. In the meantime, I will write. Love you Gorgeous!!!!
May 5, 2018 at 10:37 am
Sending positive vibes your way, beautiful.
May 6, 2018 at 10:16 am
Hugs to you and your beautiful writing.
May 8, 2018 at 7:46 am
Thank you so much!!!
May 6, 2018 at 11:35 am
People are leaving beautiful comments. I’m glad you have this blog to share your thoughts, which you express so powerfully in the face of everything you’re struggling with.
May 8, 2018 at 7:48 am
Thank you so much! This is an amazing community that we are a part of; I am so incredibly grateful!
May 8, 2018 at 6:42 am
Hello ,
I saw your tweet about animals and thought I will check your website. I like it!
I love pets. I have two beautiful thai cats called Tammy(female) and Yommo(male). Yommo is 1 year older than Tommy. He acts like a bigger brother for her. 🙂
I have even created an Instagram account for them ( https://www.instagram.com/tayo_home/ ) and probably soon they will have more followers than me (kinda funny).
I have subscribed to your newsletter. 🙂
Keep up the good work on your blog.
Regards
Wiki