I turn good things into dust, eradicate their grandeur and rebuild them into turrets of self doubt and loathing. When something good happens, something I should be proud of, I tarnish it with thoughts that it was a fluke, something that will never happen again. Whatever it is, it isn’t good enough. It will never be good enough. I will never be good enough. I am blank. I am afraid to write, afraid that what I believed to be in my blood is only vapor, opaque and insubstantial. Afraid that I am insubstantial.
The affliction of self loathing, like blindness, feels like an unwelcome guest that creeps endlessly across the landscape of my life. But, do I invite self loathing? Is it a habit? Some clichés are true; old habits die hard. Or perhaps it is a stirring in my blood, adhered to my bones? Have I learned to loathe myself, or was I born with self loathing in my heart? No matter what I do, what I write, I am still the ugly girl, the child that shouldn’t have been born, the one who failed to do what she was meant to do, who failed to fix what was broken, and then broke apart from the weight of failure.
And, what of being broken? I have been told not to refer to myself as broken, that if I do, it will become real. But, it already feels real. All these years of gathering pieces of myself, only to watch them break again; this is not an illusion. Whether or not I speak the words, the breaking is happening. I have felt it. The pain of it and the beauty of it. But if being broken is wrong, something to hide and be ashamed of, is it then right to be ashamed of who I am, of being someone who embraces being broken?
My heart feels plagued by the constant anticipation of failure and the inability to grasp hold of any value in who I am or what I do. I am not asking to be told I have value. I know these waves of uncertainty and contempt are a human condition, prevalent in the struggle of being alive. We all feel the afflictions of life. No one is alone in sorrow or suffering, and yet these things feel so lonely.
I have tried to shed these afflictions, but to no avail. How can I escape them when I wake up in the same skin every day? Skin I have tried to make beautiful by concealing it behind flowers, but still is grows dull and feels heavy. Perhaps to shed the afflictions would be to shed my humanity, but the days when humanity is steeped in sorrow are so bleak, I can’t help but feel a longing to shed the weight of them. And so I breathe in that longing, and then let it go. I open my eyes to see that next to sorrow lies joy and that it too has been there all along.
April 20, 2018 at 8:15 pm
I’m am speechless – I’m so moved by your raw expression and feeling gifted by the vulnerability it took to share it. I relate to some of those feelings, though in different circumstances. Those last lines!! 💜
April 21, 2018 at 6:27 am
Thank you Angela! It is always my hope that in exploring some of the things that are difficult for all of us to look at and possess, I can help create a sense of camaraderie in our humanness. It means so much to me that you read what I write so deeply and with such heart. You are a gift!
April 21, 2018 at 3:20 pm
That ability is maybe my favorite part of reading – that camaraderie in our humanness. It makes the world a much smaller, connected place. We need as much of that as we can get. Thank you! It’s truly my pleasure, Susan. 💜
April 21, 2018 at 4:22 pm
I totally agree!!!!!
April 20, 2018 at 9:43 pm
So breath takingly sad yet beautiful. So raw and gut wrenchingly real, it’s like you’ve just spoken into the heart and soul of everyone who’s ever felt these afflictions. And we’ve all felt them and been there, myself included. Thank you for baring and sharing your soul. Yes, alongside the sorrow is always joy. Reach out your hand and grab it dear woman, it’s there for the taking. 💙
April 21, 2018 at 6:32 am
Miriam, you have just made my day. I really do explore and write about these feelings because we all have them, and I want to reach out with my words and give a haven of understanding to those who read what I write. You have made me feel like I am doing something good, achieving something that I strive for. You are definitely an inspiration for reaching out and grabbing the joy and how doing so can be life changing. Thank you for your incredible heart.
April 21, 2018 at 2:08 pm
You, my dear, are the inspiration. Thank you for your beautiful reply. Keep writing and sharing so you can continue to touch the hearts of many. xx 💜
April 20, 2018 at 10:51 pm
We’re often throughout our lives torn to pieces and broken to shreds. They say, our heart is ‘meant’ to get broken so the right person, or rather people, including ourselves could fix it. The only thing needed is scissors to cut the redundant parts and a good glue or thread to put it all back together.
You know yourself best, your doubts and fears and lack of self-confidence. Those should be worked on all the time or at least from time to time. But, nb could deny you’re a beautiful human being who has changed the lives of so many people (me too) for good. I wouldn’t try to ‘fix’ too much, because that wouldn’t be our Susan any more, and because I love you for what’s broken, for all your typos.
April 21, 2018 at 6:37 am
I love you Gorgeous Lady!!! You understand exactly. We do all break. It is part of being alive, and that makes it a beautifully human thing. I think that people often do try and fix too much, spend too much time thinking that what and who they are needs to be fixed, but really they just need to explore the core of their own humanity. Thank you, as ever my friend, for your continued support, love, and for understanding who I am and what I, sometimes clumsily, try to say.
April 21, 2018 at 6:47 am
Clumsy my hairy wolf ass. I don’t know hardly anyone that writes with more clarity.
Bojana is right about being who you are in all your beautiful complexity.
April 21, 2018 at 7:06 am
I love your Wulfly declarations! You are a beacon, my friend! I think we all need to embrace who we are in all of our beautiful complexity; the shiny bits and the darkened ones as well. I am feeling so incredibly grateful to be here, right here in this moment.
April 21, 2018 at 7:08 am
Which is what I/we love about you. Don’t ever stop embracing the true Susan. Please!!!
April 21, 2018 at 7:16 am
Thank you!!!!
April 21, 2018 at 12:52 pm
Clumsy or not, I don’t care. I wouldn’t want you any other way.
April 21, 2018 at 1:25 pm
Thank you, my friend!!! The feeling is totally mutual!
April 21, 2018 at 12:10 am
You ARE of value. I said it. This is beautiful yet haunting as it lays the vulnerability at the readers feet. Yet you leave us at “joy” right with you. Brilliant! ~Kim
April 21, 2018 at 6:40 am
Thank you, Kim!!!! I always try to be as real as I can, even when it is difficult or uncomfortable. And, I do believe that the joy is always there; it just gets clouded over sometimes. I adore you to the moon and back!
April 21, 2018 at 7:55 am
You are such a gift! 💜💜💜
April 21, 2018 at 4:58 am
Susan, the ebb and flow is often not something we continuously recognize until a strong wave crashes down, or the pull of a riptide is overwhelming that it yanks us off our feet.
One of the many things I love about you is the strength of your expression. I have always admired the way you are not afraid to say exactly where you are no matter how crappy the view from that window.
Do you know who very few people are not willing to do that but are able to?
Don’t worry about the the ebb and flow. We’ll keep a tether and float for you at all times.
April 21, 2018 at 6:45 am
I just noticed how I mistyped my comment….
Meant to say: “Do you know who very few people are willing to do that and are unable to?”
Wow…what a horrible proofreader I am.
April 21, 2018 at 7:02 am
You are lovely!!!!! Typos be damned! I am the queen of them, even when I read over something multiple times. What you wrote is beautiful and caring and so very Wulf, and that is what makes me adore you!
April 21, 2018 at 7:07 am
Good to hear.
April 21, 2018 at 6:47 am
Thank you, Sweet Wulf!!! I feel the love and support from you and this community so strongly; it is a gift I never could have expected.
Sometimes I will be at my desk, or doing the dishes, or walking the dogs and I will start to think about things like what I wrote about here, to try and truly see what it all means. I have to write what is real, as much as I am able to, even if it is uncomfortable. We are all so very alike. We are all in and out of the light. I suppose I strive to stop and take in all the spaces. It is the challenge of my life.
April 21, 2018 at 6:51 am
Nothing to apologize…to quote a line from one of my favorite Rush songs which was, I believe, inspired by Dickens
“All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars.”
April 21, 2018 at 7:07 am
I love this so much!!! It is perfect, truly!
April 21, 2018 at 7:08 am
Yeah except for the mistake I made in it LOL!!!
April 21, 2018 at 7:18 am
Mistakes are good!
April 21, 2018 at 6:54 am
nuts…did I say Dickens….meant Wilde….ok I am going to stop commenting this morning…please delete me. LOL
April 21, 2018 at 7:15 am
Never! The words are beautiful and you are beautiful!
April 21, 2018 at 7:37 am
😘😘😘
April 21, 2018 at 5:45 am
Oh Susan!!! No words to describe my reaction to this beautiful post. Only love.
April 21, 2018 at 6:48 am
Thank you Rita!!! I am sending so much love your way, Beautiful Lady!!!!
April 21, 2018 at 6:54 am
I’m receiving every single drop ❤️❤️❤️
April 21, 2018 at 5:51 am
We all have our doubts and insecurities, but what saddens me the most is the idea of being “broken”. If that comes from the notion that we need to be flawless and perfect, then everyone is broken by that definition. If it’s because of the RP……
I’m not devoutly religious by any stretch of the imagination, but I do believe that for everything we lose, something is given in return if we seek to find it. I also believe that everything happens for a reason. This may be complete psycho-babble bullshit, but I do think it is true more times than not.
I suspect that what makes you “broken” is also what give you the gift of writing such beautiful poetry, and being able to articulate the depth of feeling you demonstrate in your post. That isn’t such a terrible thing.
April 21, 2018 at 6:59 am
Steve, you have said it exactly. I have come to see that being broken is not a bad thing. We are all broken because life gives us all challenges and sometimes those challenges break us down. It is just a human thing.
I also believe, strongly, that for everything we lose, something is given in return. I have been thinking a lot lately about how much good RP has brought into my life, about how it has put me in the line of opportunities I wouldn’t have otherwise had. There is a beautiful side to everything, even being broken.
Thank you for your generous and kind words about my writing. It is a gift to me that you take the time to read what I write and that I have the opportunity to learn from you. You are super cool, Steve!!!!!
April 21, 2018 at 7:59 am
I would love not to have MS, but I also know I would have gotten into writing, the blog, and all that stuff if it didn’t happen. One of the quotes I almost used was “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. That pretty much Somers up how we have to deal with our burdens.
Hang in there, and the the waves, both the ones that take you to soaring heights and the ones that take you into a deep trough before crashing on you.
April 21, 2018 at 8:02 am
Goodness gracious my typing is awful. Sometimes I wonder if it has anything to do with the progression of my MS. Sounds like a good topic for a future post
April 21, 2018 at 8:35 am
I totally got what you were saying. My posts and comments are always full of typos….I often blame it on the RP!
April 21, 2018 at 8:38 am
I feel the same about RP for many of the same reasons. If it weren’t for RP and MS, we wouldn’t be here now writing what we write and touching the lives of people we wouldn’t have met. I know that I will always suffer from darkness, but I will also always learn from it by looking into it. All of the waves are beautiful, no matter where they take us. I think I have to look at things this way.
April 21, 2018 at 9:08 am
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April 21, 2018 at 10:56 am
❤ Beautiful piece. I can relate
April 21, 2018 at 1:24 pm
Thank you Casey! I had a feeling you would get this!
April 21, 2018 at 2:58 pm
Even your prose is pure poetry, Susan. If you’re broken, we should all be as broken as that. ❤️
April 21, 2018 at 4:17 pm
Thank you. my friend! I hope you are having a wonderful week of celebrating Mrs. C!!!!!!
April 22, 2018 at 7:14 am
These two quotes came to me while I was reading this:
‘She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the Universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings.’, ‘She had a wild, wandering soul but when she loved, she loved with chaos and that made all the difference.’ ~ Ariana Dancu
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” ― Barbara Bloom.
I hope these words seep into the cracks, reminding you of all the wisdom, beauty and grace that is you.
April 22, 2018 at 7:29 am
These are extraordinary words, Brooke. Thank you. They will stay with me, in my heart. I am so grateful for you!
April 22, 2018 at 8:05 pm
You are enough! Think about that Susan. Let it sink in. You are enough! ☺💜
April 23, 2018 at 8:19 am
Thank you, Walt!!!!!
April 23, 2018 at 4:20 pm
You’re welcome Susan ☺💙
April 26, 2018 at 6:03 am
Susan, I am so sorry for the delay in commenting on this beautiful and honest post. It hurts my heart to know that you battle these voices inside your head, especially when I see you so differently. But, I do get it and understand their relentless chatter.
‘And so I breathe in that longing, and then let it go. I open my eyes to see that next to sorrow lies joy and that it too has been there all along.’
You couldn’t have said this any better. It is there, you know it is, so please keep reminding yourself. You are perfectly you, and there is nothing more you are required to be. I know that I am not the only person you inspire. Understand that your words have the power to change lives; an extraordinary gift you have been blessed with. Continue writing all the words down and sharing them with the world – I implore you. And please tell those voices as often as you can to just fuck right off. You are amazing! The end. xo
April 26, 2018 at 6:36 am
You are amazing! I know you are in the midst of a fairly huge transition right now, and that you took the time to read this and comment, is an absolute gift! Thank you, my friend. You are in my thoughts!
April 28, 2018 at 7:09 pm
Thank you, Susan!! xoxo
May 6, 2018 at 5:38 am
I loved this so much Susan, I had to retweet it!!! A perfect still of shattering loathing and despair. Magnificent!
May 6, 2018 at 5:53 am
Thank you so much, M.P.!!! Your praise and support means the world to me! xo