I am sick. Nothing serious, just a cold that won’t seem to go away, but I don’t do sick well. No one likes being sick, I get that, but when I get a cold, I act like the world is crumbling. I wasn’t always like this. I used to get sick and ride it out and never talk about it. Now, I am not only talking about it, but writing a blog post about it. I must sound pretty crazy, or like a total princess. Either way, it’s not cool. I need to figure out where my tenacity and grit escaped to. Thanks to my Dad, I think I have an idea.
I was visiting my Dad 4 days ago, the day the beast cold started attacking my throat, and I mentioned that I felt like I have become super sensitive to just a simple cold, making a huge deal about a sniffle or two. He told me that he thinks I may feel like any physical ailment is just one more fucking thing on top of the big thing, the blind thing. And, yes, he did say the F word; I come from a family who use expletives freely.
I think my Dad may be right. I remembered when I was first diagnosed with cataracts. I was 34. Most people, in an attempt to be helpful (which I do appreciate), treated the diagnosis as if it was no big deal. Cataracts are treatable after all, and readily so. But, I was really upset, about the diagnosis and about other people’s seemingly cavalier reactions to it. At the time, my Dad was the only one who seemed to get it, and he helped me get it. When I told him about the cataracts, his reaction was, something like, I’m sorry, that’s terrible; just one more crappy thing on top of the RP. And, he was right. That was how I felt. I was 34 years old, I had already been told I was going blind and a year later, I also have cataracts. What the fuck? It felt unfair.
That was almost 15 years ago and I got over myself; I don’t even think about the cataracts that much, but in this case, thinking about them has given me perspective and perhaps put me on a path to rediscovering some of the fire I may have lost. I have unknowingly been treating any and all physical issues (no matter the scale) as catastrophic, out of some misguided, and honestly, selfish sense of self-pity. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t have to be.
I do think that, for the most part, in the 16 years since RP and I became acquainted, I have dealt with it pretty well. I explore the ways it has changed my life and my emotional responses to an ever changing reality, but I don’t wallow, except, apparently, when I get a cold.
Sarcasm aside, I believe it is important for everyone to give themselves moments of reprieve from “dealing with it”. There are times when we all feel like life is just unfair, and in allowing ourselves to sit with those feelings for a little while, we can move on and truly let them go. This has been true for me and it continues to be, but my dramatic reactions to having a cold feel inappropriate. A cold is just a minor inconvenience that will pass.
I am sick, so my brain is not at full capacity today, but in being true to my practice, I am writing in spite of the cold. Anyway, this post may be a bit scattered. Perhaps what is truly on my mind this morning isn’t my cold or RP, but my Dad. Last week, he told me that he thinks I zip around well and with confidence, despite the challenges that RP gives me. He has always seemed to understand. He has given me the moments to feel bad when I needed to and recognized that I handle the RP well, that I face the challenges without declining into a state of endless faltering. He let’s me know that he sees me, he sees that I have strength and that I have challenges the rest of my family don’t have. I need this every once in a while. I need to be told that I am doing ok, that I have value, despite my disease, but also because of the way I deal with my disease. I need to have it recognized, by my family, that my struggles are real. Every once in a while I need this, so I can continue to move on, to get on with the living bit. My Dad gives me this and I appreciate it more than I will ever be able to express.
Yeah, I guess I am thinking about my Dad today. He is a pretty cool guy!
March 8, 2018 at 9:10 am
Sounds like Dad is a pretty Fucking Cool Guy
March 8, 2018 at 9:17 am
He totally is!
March 8, 2018 at 10:46 am
He really sounds it, Susan! You and I are reverse in our losses. I love that I still get to see my mom almost weekly now. Every moment…another joy!
Cherish his f-bombs!!!!!
March 11, 2018 at 9:12 am
Somehow, I am just reading this. My brain is foggy right now. Thank you for this Wulf! And, yes, I too cherish every moment. He and I have been laughing a lot lately, which is the greatest gift.
March 11, 2018 at 9:35 am
It really is the greatest gift.
March 8, 2018 at 12:25 pm
Thanks for sharing doll! Your dad sounds pretty awesome 🙂
March 9, 2018 at 5:56 am
Love you Lady!!!!!
March 8, 2018 at 12:49 pm
An ode to my Dad. Lovely.
March 8, 2018 at 5:53 pm
I love this shout out to your Dad. He has a pretty fucking cool daughter too 😊.
March 9, 2018 at 5:55 am
Oh my, Thank you so much Rita!!!!!!
March 9, 2018 at 5:58 am
Just sayin’
March 8, 2018 at 7:10 pm
I get it. My bronchitis on top of my chronic pain seems like just something else to add to the list!
March 9, 2018 at 5:57 am
Right? Some days the world feels so incredibly heavy Casey.
March 10, 2018 at 10:35 am
Exactly. I feel weak a lot because I break into tears quite often. I never use to get sick, either. I would fake sick to get out of school but hardly was ever actually sick.
March 10, 2018 at 10:58 am
Me too Casey. But, we are as far from weak as one can get.
March 10, 2018 at 2:03 pm
You’re right! I think I’m just having one of those days. We fight everyday, dammit! Lol
March 9, 2018 at 3:38 am
The weirdest thing for me, have a chronic auto-immune disease (MS) is that I’ve been taking these heavy duty meds designed to suppress my immune system, which I thought would result in me catching everything known to mankind and always being sick, to rarely getting so much as a cold. Of course, that makes dealing with a cold or virus when it does occur harder to deal with, so I hear you
March 9, 2018 at 6:01 am
I know you so totally get it Steve; more than I do to be honest. You are such an amazing man!!!
March 9, 2018 at 7:34 am
Oh, I doubt that, but I appreciate the kind words. How is the writing going?
March 9, 2018 at 7:38 am
I have been a bit foggy the past week, but still I sit and write something every day. I find that my writing has changed so much since I developed a true writing practice; it hasn’t necessarily improved, but it has changed. Being a writer is incredibly rewarding, but also exhausting, which I know you know.
March 9, 2018 at 7:43 am
I hope to develop your discipline as far as daily writing is concerned. Working full time is a hurdle that gets in the way of me writing as much as I would like
March 9, 2018 at 7:52 am
I don’t know how you do it. I am incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to write full time (not that I do). When I was working out in the world, I could hardly get any writing done at all. You wrote a book!!!!!! Wow, just Wow!!!!!!
March 9, 2018 at 5:40 am
I really hope you feel better soon. I also don’t handle sick well, I bitch and moan my arse off but I think it’s because of my fibromyalgia and health issues that make it so I feel everything intensified. Maybe something deep inside you wants to attend to something other than the RP for a bit and if that makes sense. I hope you get better soon! Drink lots of lemon and ginger tea with honey. Your dad sounds awesome you are so lucky to have that relationship!! Sending you all my hugs
March 9, 2018 at 6:06 am
I adore you Sweetie Pie! And yes, I totally get what you are saying and I think you are so right. Knowing that you are struggling with all you do, and being an amazing Mom to 3 kids and coming out into the world with your gorgeous writing and your kick ass attitude…..well, I just totally admire you!!!!!!! I am still feeling pretty shitty, but I am lucky I get to stay in (besides dog walking) and watch mindless TV today.
March 9, 2018 at 9:04 am
I really hope you get better soon!!
March 9, 2018 at 1:56 pm
Girl, you have earned the RIGHT to whine a bit! You have faced a nightmarish reality, one feared by so many, with grace and tenacity; go ahead and let sick get ya down. Permission granted!
But then get better quick and get back to showing the rest of us how to face adversity with strength, persistence, and foul language. 😉
March 9, 2018 at 3:25 pm
Thank you Tom!!!!! You are super fucking awesome…..See, I’m already feeling better.
March 9, 2018 at 5:46 pm
Clearly on the mend! 🤣
March 10, 2018 at 8:32 am
You get to be you. You get to feel like you feel! And I think your Dad is cool.~K.
March 10, 2018 at 10:56 am
Thanks Kim!
March 11, 2018 at 1:06 am
Your dad sounds like a top banana! I found this post really interesting because I’ve not been feeling well these past few days. I’ve found that since my eye issues, I go into hyper anxiety about every physical problem which crops up. I’m convinced it’s because I dismissed the first symptoms of my eye problems as being down to stress and insomnia, but it wasn’t- it was something grim and serious. So now I’m afraid that any other health issue may turn out to be grim and serious as well. A cold may be a minor thing, but it still makes you feel crappy. I hope you feel much better soon.
March 11, 2018 at 9:03 am
Exactly! Yes! I feel totally the same and it makes me a bit crazy at times too. Thank you for the well wishes!
March 15, 2018 at 11:27 am
You are both pretty cool!
March 16, 2018 at 10:46 am
You are “The Joe”!!! I’ve been meaning to check out your place.
March 16, 2018 at 11:16 am
Yes I am. Lol
March 16, 2018 at 11:21 am
I wanted to add you to my reader, but I don’t see a follow option on your site.
March 16, 2018 at 11:23 am
I shall look into that, problems with being self hosted.
March 16, 2018 at 11:24 am
Please do…I see you are a fellow geek.
March 16, 2018 at 11:25 am
Sorry to nose in, but yes, I can totally vouch for that!!!
March 16, 2018 at 11:26 am
Nosey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Men stuff happening here!
March 16, 2018 at 11:27 am
Many smiling and laughing emojis here!!!!
March 16, 2018 at 11:23 am
Oh my, this makes me so bloody happy to see you guys having a chat!!!!!!!
March 16, 2018 at 11:25 am
A bonus, then. I am looking forward to checking out his site.
March 17, 2018 at 6:21 am
You do have a great dad. You sound as though you have a dose of greatness too.
March 17, 2018 at 7:31 am
Yeah, I am lucky. Thank you Jane!
March 17, 2018 at 7:35 am
🙂
March 21, 2018 at 7:20 am
Yes, it is good to have those moments when we can just let go. Just bottling it does not help.
March 21, 2018 at 7:38 am
Thank you Lakshmi. You are so right!