I have been wanting to, and feeling afraid to, write this post. I wasn’t going to write it today; I was going to write about being sick and how I have been sick the past few days and how I just don’t do sick very well, but then I read something this morning and I think it is time for me to write the post I have been so afraid to write.
Since the school shooting in Florida, I have read a number of posts, some about the shooting specifically, some about guns, some about the fear that comes out of living in a gun culture, some about the violence and atrocities around the world that we know so little about or turn away from because it hurts too much. They have all had a huge impact on me, in different ways and from different directions. Please read them. I think they are vital and important. I think what they tell us and teach us is crucial. “Guns” from Tom Being Tom, “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell” and “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” from Bojana’s Coffee and Confessions to Go, “An Unburdened Childhood” from A Light Circle, “Scariest Thing that has ever Happened….Terror at the Movies from Visions and Giggles, and the post I read this morning, “We are so Clueless” from Brandewijn Words.
The reason I have been afraid to write this post is because it is something I never write about. Perhaps I have felt like my opinion doesn’t count or that my words won’t make a difference. Maybe I thought, Who the fuck am I to put my two cents in? or What is there to say when it all seems so obvious? Maybe I was afraid of upsetting people. But, in reading the posts above, I realized that it is time for me to add my voice to the mix; not because I have something particularly wise or profound or even reasonable to say, but because the more voices that join the conversation, the louder the message will be. Perhaps if those of us who hide in the shadows, who stand in the rubble of our heartbreak but stay silent and afraid, if we step up and add our voices, we will help create something bigger, something that will make a difference.
I tried to think of a way to write this post without talking about my personal feelings about guns. But, I don’t think I can. It isn’t me. If you are at all familiar with my blog or my poetry, then you know I write about feelings, it is just what I do, it is how I am made. I suppose this is a pre-cursor, or a warning even; my feelings about guns are absolute and probably irrational, but if I am adding my voice to the mix, it has to be my true voice. That said, this isn’t just going to be about my personal feelings about guns; I am just going to start there to get it out of the way. Does it seem as if I am procrastinating getting to the point? Getting to the post? I probably am.
I have been in the actual physical presence of a gun (as far as I know) only one time; it was one time too many. It wasn’t a violent situation, but it did scare the crap out of me. I was getting tattooed in New Hampshire, where it is legal to carry a concealed weapon, and about a minute into the tattoo, I noticed a bulge under the artists leather vest. When I realized it was a gun, I must have gotten a weird look on my face, because he proceeded to tell me that a lot of questionable people came into his shop and he needed to be able to protect himself and his clients. I went along with it, said I totally understood; he was trying to put me at ease, after all. He finished the tattoo pretty quickly and charged me an insanely low price. He was a nice guy, but I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Being that close to a gun made me feel terrified and dirty.
I don’t like guns. It seems to me that they were created for the sole purpose of taking life. Guns were made to kill. I don’t see any value or purpose in something that was made to bring about death. In my perfect world, there would be no guns. I did say my feelings about this veered toward the irrational. I know that a lot of you reading this will disagree with these declarations, and I get it, I truly do, but I had to tell my truth.
I never imagined that I would be living in a gun culture, or maybe I always have and couldn’t admit it to myself. I have tried to turn away from the gun violence and the hatred, to keep it out of my life, to shield my heart from it. I thought that if I declared things like, not my president, not my county, not my culture……I would be separate from what was happening. I was wrong. No matter my feelings about being an american, I am one, and I live in america. I have a responsibility to add my voice to a conversation that could potentially save lives. It doesn’t matter if people don’t like what I say. It isn’t about me. It is about the fact that guns are killing people, guns are killing children, and it has to stop.
The conversation about guns has to happen and keep happening until there is change, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us. Some may ask what kind of change I propose; the truth is, I have no idea. I am just joining this conversation. I am just beginning to see that feeling the heartbreak is not enough. The heartbreak, the fear, the vulgarity and horror if it all, has to be given a voice, so it can’t be pushed aside until the next time gun violence tears people s live apart.
I won’t lie. I want to hide. I want to hide because it hurts too much, because there is no part of me that can see the kind of violence and hatred that exists, and not break into pieces. I want to run away from this reality because I think, it can’t possibly be real. People have to be smarter than this, kinder than this, better than this. And you know what, I think they are. I think they have just been afraid to add their voices to the mix. I know I have. But, today, I choose to exercise my voice, because it is the right thing to do, the only thing to do.
March 7, 2018 at 9:42 am
Susan, I thank you for honoring me by including that post as any sort of catalyst for you breaking out and speaking out.
What you write is always you. And you have done nothing in this piece except continue to explore more of what that means. Hold your beliefs close, and never let go unless YOU decide to.
I love your stance because it is pure and it is you.
March 7, 2018 at 9:53 am
I couldn’t not write this after reading your post this morning Wulf. You are always inspiring me, on both an artistic and a human level. Thank you!
March 7, 2018 at 10:00 am
Well shit…..☺️
March 7, 2018 at 10:09 am
We don’t have a gun culture in Canada, and for that, I am incredibly grateful. Especially after witnessing the unrelenting horror to the south of us. It’s incomprehensible, and I am at a loss, as to how people can be so married to something that causes nothing but death, destruction, and unfathomable pain. Sandy Hook. Fucking 6-year-old little humans. That should have been the moment. The one that united people in saying, e-fucking-nough. But, it wasn’t. And, my heart aches to know that these high school students from Florida, probably won’t be the last ones to experience that level of fear or lose their lives. I don’t even think about guns up here in Canada, but when I go to the states, it is always in the back of my mind. When I was at the Space Needle, I scanned the perimeter, looking for the barrel of a gun aiming my direction. Whenever I am in New York, I think about it. The one exception was probably Boulder, Colorado, never thought about guns once there, but, I am sure they were around me. My hope is that the people of your country come to their senses, but, regrettably, I have more faith that people will be living on Mars before there is an end to this gun madness. Sure as hell hope I am wrong. Keep speaking up, Susan.
March 7, 2018 at 11:17 am
Trust me Tanya, I think of escaping to your beautiful country every day.
March 7, 2018 at 1:25 pm
There is plenty of room for you guys up here, darling! Oh, and have I mentioned that I really love Pugs?
March 7, 2018 at 1:31 pm
I am not at all surprised! The most wonderful, smartest and amazing people love pugs! My babies are pretty amazing. They would love you. And, they would love the weather up there in your gorgeous part of the world!
March 7, 2018 at 1:38 pm
I’ll text you a photo of me and my favourite pug in the world. His name is Henry. Even wrote a blog post about him, that’s how much I love him. I drop all friends and any plans if there is an opportunity for me to look after him. I adore him!! So, yeah, super agree with your whole assessment there, Susan. And your dogs would totally love shitting on the grass up here!
March 7, 2018 at 2:00 pm
I just got the picture!!! Soooooo amazing! He is such a cute little man. They all look like little old men, like mini Winston Churchills. And yes, my girls would be in shitting on grass heaven if they were in BC!!!!!
March 7, 2018 at 2:15 pm
Ha! Yeah, they would!
March 7, 2018 at 4:01 pm
I’m in Canada too. I just can’t wrap my head around this shit
March 7, 2018 at 4:03 pm
We may be heading your way Sweetie Pie!!!
March 7, 2018 at 4:05 pm
Right?! It’s total fucking insanity!
March 7, 2018 at 10:11 am
Why talk about something so obvious often leads to why do anything it….it’s so obvious, right? It’s somebody else’s worry and an individual can’t change anything. Maybe they can’t but the more we talk about it, the better. The change will become inevitable. Mandatory.
Thank you for joining this conversation, dear. Much appreciated.
March 7, 2018 at 10:28 am
“…the more voices that join the conversation, the louder the message will be.”
That alone is wise and profound, Susan. If I can deliver one message through my words is it that we do not talk enough about the things that must be said. We know, from example, that there are places doing a better job by their people than we are. Better job protecting them from gunfire. Better job caring for them when sick. Better job sharing the bounty of a unified society. The difference?
Us.
We have allowed guns to go unchecked, health to be about profit, and wealth to concentrate into the hands of the few. We have allowed greed to win, because we have been told there is nothing we can do. We are conditioned to think we have no power. But we do. We have the numbers and we have the constitution behind us. We, the people, have the power to make the change.
But we don’t. We stay silent.
This was an enormously powerful piece, Susan, and it was exactly the time to write it. Thank you for your words, your strength and your courage. Welcome to the new way. 🙂
March 7, 2018 at 10:55 am
It was you Tom who initially made me see the importance of talking about all of this. I realized that I have been keeping myself in the periphery, in the darkness. No more. I am going to keep talking about it. Thank you my friend!!!!
March 7, 2018 at 12:03 pm
Shout it from the rooftops, sister! The louder the better!
March 7, 2018 at 11:19 am
This was well written. Your 2 cents matter! Always remember that. I grew up with guns in the home, my father was Mayor, therefore Chief of Police for our SMALL tiny town and that job came with a gun and a badge, we were told never to touch the gun and we did not. My family were hunters, we always ate what we shot. We had two shotguns sitting in the corner, behind the door that lead to the basement. We were told never to touch the shotguns, we didn’t. We had a lake home and a high powered BB gun. We had a little dog and the big stray, pack dogs would try to eat her, my mom was a shoot from the hip kind of gal. We were shown how to use the BB gun. It was not a toy.
So, my two cents. Instead of waiting for the government to ‘do something’ (which they should but are not) we MUST start at our county level. Get our police chiefs involved, secure our schools, and get safety protocol put in place. The elected school board members should be researching and holding public meetings with you. Step one in protecting our children is to secure our schools.
What does that look like? What does that sound like? What safety models can we borrow from airports, concert venues, and stadium sports event??? Many of us wanted separation of church and state, many of us want to keep government out of our schools….so, let’s start now!
Meet with your local school board to see what safety protocols they want to implement and what they already have in place to protect our children. I for one am no longer holding my breath for the government to save our children, that is over with. I have no faith in that any longer. What can WE do NOW? Go make a difference! We MUST make a difference; stop marching and talking, and start attending and doing!
March 7, 2018 at 11:35 am
I Love you Vigor!!!! Thank you Kim!
March 7, 2018 at 12:52 pm
Thank you, Susan. Your voice always matters darling woman.
March 8, 2018 at 2:24 am
“the more voices that join the conversation, the louder the message will be” Thank you for this Susan, I am so grateful for you. I share your feelings completely, I too was reluctant to talk about it, I know some Americans who are afraid of their gun rights being “taken away” would be quick to silence me, to insult me for trying to say anything about gun control. Out of fear, I was even going to publish something else, but I couldn’t ignore my feelings stronger than fear. Everything seemed superfluous to what these kids had experienced and what they have the courage to do now, to speak out for stronger gun control. People who are afraid of change are quick to diminish others for a very good reason, because just one voice does have incredible power! And when multiplied truly leads to change!
March 8, 2018 at 6:00 am
You totally inspired me to see this truth and to speak out. I am glad we both did!!!
March 8, 2018 at 6:54 am
Good for you. If Every one who thought their voice didn’t matter were louder than what a racket there would be. I can’t imagine what you must have felt getting that tattoo. I am so sorry you had to experience that. We would welcome you with open arms here in Canada xoxoxox
March 8, 2018 at 7:07 am
Mandi, you are, as ever, totally on the money. I think if the people who feel voiceless speak up, the message couldn’t be ignored. That tattoo experience was pretty scary, but it didn’t deter me from getting a lot more! I love Canada! It is the most beautiful, clean and friendly country I have ever visited. Even the customs agents were lovely. That is a story for another time. I adore you lady!!!!!!
March 8, 2018 at 7:16 am
It’s expensive though. We have a massive crisis here right now. BC Is amazing but we are all struggling to survive here. If you do move here bring boatloads of money hahaha
March 8, 2018 at 7:32 am
Does Monopoly money count? My husband is Irish and we actually talk, or I talk, about moving there. I think I have an escapist tendency.
March 8, 2018 at 1:09 pm
Understandable given the circumstances there