I feel sad this morning. It isn’t new, feeling sad and writing about sadness; I do that a lot. But, today it isn’t just sadness, or darkness or blindness, that is in my head and on my skin, it is shame. I have written about shame before, in regard to my disease and feeling different, but the shame I feel today has nothing to do with RP; it came long before blindness.
I decided to write about this last night, when I was drunk. Sounds like a bad idea, I know, but I knew I would wake up feeling bludgeoned and ashamed; I knew it was time to write about my drinking, lay bare the shame of it and face some of the reasons I turn to it.
The first time I got drunk, I was 12. I took 2 bottles of wine from my Mom and snuck out in the middle of the night to meet a friend. We went to the field of our local junior high school, and drank a bottle each. We got caught. My mom woke up to find my friend, lying on the bathroom floor, puking. I was passed out on the floor of my room, oblivious to the whole thing. My friends parents were called and the whole thing was a giant mess. The next morning, my Mom told me my friend could have died and that it would have been my fault. I think she was trying to shame me out of drinking again, but it didn’t work.
I’m not going to go through a litany of my drunken experiences; there are too many of them, but I believe the first one is significant because it marks the beginning of a pattern of excess and escape. I learned that night that booze could take me out of my head and make me believe I was someone else, someone better, prettier and less afraid. I learned that under the veil of booze, all the pain drops dead.
When I was 13, my mom got sick and I spiraled out of control. It was like I was on a mission to find all the roads to self-destruction. When she died, 5 years later, I broke apart under the weight of grief and spent years looking for escape. I probably drank the most in those years after her death, but even after I started to find the pieces of myself that had been lost, and try to put them back together, I kept drinking.
Everyone has painful experiences that feel unbearable; I am not unique in feeling pain. But, I think I got stuck in that time of my life when everything was defined by illness and death; a time when I learned to use alcohol as a buffer between myself and life. It kept me tied to the identity of the girl with the dead mom. It kept me from truly grieving and being able to move forward with my life.
As I traversed through my 20’s and 30’s, I kept the booze close. I used it as a buffer, a numbing agent, a celebratory partner and a mask. It became a habit. It made me fat and tired, unreliable and sedentary. It kept me tethered to an identity that I had grown comfortable with. Now, in my 40’s, I feel like I am keeping myself stuck in the escape, making sure I never fully grab onto life. I have so much in my life that is good, so much to be grateful for, so why am I still drinking as if there is an emptiness in me that can never be filled? I can see myself healthier, fitter and with more energy, and I know the booze is keeping me from being that version of myself, but why do I allow it? I am tired of waking up feeling like crap and walking through my life with heavy steps. I am tired of treating myself as if I am worthless, as if I don’t deserve to feel good, to be happy. It is time for me to make a change. It is time for me to emerge.
January 28, 2018 at 9:09 am
You are so brave to have shared this. I love the last line, “it is time for me to emerge”. The temporary spell cast by Binge drinking certainly won’t make us feel any better in the long run. I’m so happy that you are making the effort to emerge out of it..
January 28, 2018 at 9:52 am
Thank you!!!!
January 28, 2018 at 9:43 am
Susan. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. Your words have grabbed hold of my heart, and I can feel every ounce of your pain within each one. Beautiful girl, thank you for writing so courageously and with such raw emotion and honesty. That was not an easy thing to do, and I am so incredibly proud of you for doing it. I understand all of this because I too know what it feels like to carry the weight of shame and long to be better and do better. I really do. You deserve to wake each morning with a heart full of love for yourself, and a belief that you are worthy of each gift the universe is intent on bestowing upon you. So badly I want you to believe that, too. What you have had to go through in this life is unimaginable, and the fact that you move through life with such dignity and grace is admirable and so very inspiring. I know what it feels like to wake up with regret and depression and shame and the need to be relentlessly cruel to myself because of those feelings. So, I beg of you, today, please also try to focus on all of the beauty and light you bring to my life and so many others around you. You have a gift and are in possession of a soul set upon this earth to guide and encourage and teach. Ahead of you are opportunities, just waiting for you to seize and I know that you will. Now, you just have to believe the same and that you are worthy. Lots and lots of love, Susan, and one hell of a big hug from me. xo
January 28, 2018 at 9:58 am
Now I am crying. Everything you feel about me, I feel about you. It breaks my heart that you have had to suffer. Perhaps it is the hard parts of the road the make us see the beautiful ones so vibrantly. It was time for me to step out of this cloak I have been hiding under, and writing is how I do that; I know you do the same. I feel empowered by your belief in me and so fortunate to have you on my side. Love and hugs to you my friend!
January 28, 2018 at 12:25 pm
You got this… you really do. Make a plan and begin, it won’t be easy, far from it, but it will be worth it!~K.
January 28, 2018 at 5:37 pm
Thank you Kim! I am feeling good about it. It is time for me to start treating my body with more kindness.
January 29, 2018 at 6:32 am
I am, at 70, always beginning anew. It seems to me to be the human condition. Best to be kind to oneself. Eh?
January 29, 2018 at 8:32 am
You are lovely Michael and I always appreciate your perspective on things. Thank you!
January 29, 2018 at 8:41 am
So proud of you for fighting your demons! Keep going!
January 29, 2018 at 9:06 am
Thank you!
January 29, 2018 at 9:38 am
Omg Susan! I can’t imagine the strength needed to write this. Loved it and I felt every word. You deserve a life you can feel with a present mind. Rooting for you!!!!! ❤️
January 29, 2018 at 10:20 am
Thank you so much Rudymariee! I like that,”a life you can feel with a present mind” – it will stay with me always!
January 29, 2018 at 7:47 pm
This was so powerful, Susan! I’m with you 100%; change has power! For years I’ve told friends that my two favorite feelings in the world are the intoxication I feel in the evenings after a few beers, and the feeling I have in the morning when I’ve had none the night before. How to reconcile these extremes!
Obviously, there are answers, and for some it is an either/or choice, or a better practice of balance. As I approach 50, I long for a greater degree of balance. A measure of temperance. Less dissipation.
It’s a work in progress, but I like what I’m feeling from it, so far. And this post just spoke to it with perfect clarity!
Thanks for being that voice inside my head. No shame it what you’re going through, at all. No shame in change!
January 30, 2018 at 8:21 am
Thank you Tom! I also love the feeling after a few glasses of wine and the morning after no booze. It is, as you say, a work in progress, and that is ok. Change can be the most difficult and the most wonderful thing in the world!
February 1, 2018 at 5:58 am
Susan you can do it you have an army behind you!
I left home originally at 15 and dealt with drug and alcohol addiction in my teenage years and the birth of my son was a blessing at 19 because I had to fix it. I lived a life that seemed cursed and suffered from mental illness and was plagued by my own past. I wasted a lot of life letting shame and guilt rule me and being centered on those dark places in the past. Susan you are incredibly talented and I feel like your center is ahead of you.. I see great things in your future and all the stuff that hurts and weighs you down can be left behind TODAY. Just keep writing xoxox ❤❤ we are here to support you
February 1, 2018 at 7:49 am
My heart is overflowing right now Mandi! I cannot thank you enough. You are so brave and open and knowing more of your story makes me admire you even more. I have to say that I have your fabulously edgy wisdom in my head whenever I begin to contemplate unhealthy choices. I still make the unhealthy choice sometimes, but what I love is that I know you would be the last person to admonish me for it. I haven’t often felt like it was ok to just be the flawed, messy and real me, but you have shown me that I can be those things and be healthy and happy and great as well. I really admire you! You are doing life, shaking it up, dancing with it and ruling over it and I love your energy! Your support means so much to me. And, on an unrelated note, a wet cooking on the cheek absolutely counts as a washed face. xoxo
February 1, 2018 at 12:38 pm
I probably will never get into those issues here but you inspired me to share. Life is about choices and sometimes the unjealthy choice *is* the healthy choice if that makes sense. It’s all about the moves we make and where they take us.
And great news about the fave washing.nailed it again! Hahaha
February 1, 2018 at 1:01 pm
I just noticed that I wrote wet cooking, when what I meant was wet cookie! I read your tweets lady!!!! I totally get the unhealthy choice sometimes being the healthy one; life is not black and white and sometimes we make coping choices that seem bad but are are actually life saving. I so appreciate you and as much as you want to share, or not share, it is great because it is you.
February 14, 2018 at 11:04 am
You do realize how monument this post was for you, don’t you? The fact that you want to face this is HUGE. You have a lot of people cheering for you and your success. I have loved watching your tribe grow as I’ve continued diving into your blog, Susan. It is amazing!!!
February 14, 2018 at 11:24 am
You are wonderful! Thank you! I have realized that although I write a lot about my feelings, I don’t always write a lot about my life. Does that make sense? I think this post was a combination of both and it is something that I have been trying to truly deal with for a long time. I can’t tell you how much your support means to me!
February 14, 2018 at 11:35 am
You might recall I mentioned something about this before. You wrote about your life and I was drawn to it. You have a wealth of source material, Susan. I would say pick one and dig into it. (Course I am now partial to the story told from Zelda ‘s point of view. 😁 )
February 14, 2018 at 11:38 am
Me too; it’s brilliant. And, Z needs a voice I think!!!
February 14, 2018 at 11:41 am
I do too. Let’s hear it for Zelda…oh and by the way I know who should voice her in the movie…Whoopie Goldberg…or Jeanine Garofolo.
February 14, 2018 at 11:45 am
You are funny!!!!!!
February 14, 2018 at 11:49 am
Hahaha!
September 3, 2019 at 10:14 pm
I must say you certainly are more courageous than I by writing this post. We’ve talked in that past about our issues with alcohol. I’ve had a similar post to yours right on my fingertips but I have too many close friends who read my blog. I suppose that it would be cathartic if I were to open up and maybe make it easier to finally quit. Ironically I’m also afraid that if I do open up about it then my opportunities to meet a friend for a drink would come to an end once I out myself. I guess I just don’t want to completely shut the door.
On a lighter note my drinking started in my teen years. My parents kept some (cheap) vodka in a cabinet in the dining room. They always bought the giant economy size. Once they’d gone to bed for the night I would make myself a screwdriver…or three. To hide the theft I would “replace” what I drank with water. As if at some point they wouldn’t realize that their bottle of vodka had turned into a bottle of water. What a genius I was.
September 4, 2019 at 7:40 am
Ah, the water in the booze bottle trick! I know it well! I have been thinking about you, wanting to write but have no energy and have been drinking too much. I feel the same as you about the whole not wanting to completely shut the door. I am glad that you opened up here about this challenge we both face. I will be back above the water soon. Thank you for your continued support, my friend.