Along with my application for the Emerging Voices Fellowship – that I didn’t get (fuckers) – I had to send in a writing sample.  I felt compelled to share the pieces I sent them, so this will be the first of 5.  If you know me well or have been following my blog since it’s inception, you may recognize some of the stories, but they have been edited again and again since their original appearance.

*Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP): A group of inherited disorders in which abnormalities of the photoreceptors (the rods and cones) of the retina lead to progressive visual loss. Abbreviated RP. People with RP first experience defective dark adaptation (night blindness), then constriction of the visual field (tunnel vision), and eventually, late in the course of the disease, loss of central vision. 

 The first time I heard about Retinitis Pigmentosa was from Barbara Walters. She reported a story on 20/20 about a family whose father and three children all suffered from a rare eye disease that caused something they called “tunnel vision.” I remember all the kids were very blonde, with extraordinarily bright blue eyes and pale skin; it was as if they were rarely exposed to the sun.  The program attempted simulations to show what an RP sufferer’s deteriorating vision is like, and it was terrifying; can you imagine your entire view of the world being the size of what you see through the hole in a straw? Knowing that the hole would get smaller and smaller until everything was darkness?  I remember feeling frightened and sad for the family, and thinking how lucky I was that everyone in my family had such good eyes.

The second time I heard the words Retinitis Pigmentosa, I was in my late 20’s and visiting my optometrist for a routine refraction. I was there to get some new glasses because my night vision seemed to be worsening; not unusual in nearsighted patients.  He asked if he could dilate my pupils and take a closer look inside my eyes. The exam only lasted about ten minutes, but it seemed like an hour.  It was only the second time my pupils had been dilated and it was excruciating. The bright light from his instruments felt like fire and my eyes burned.  When he finally finished the exam, he said something about bone spicules in my retinas and a rare genetic disease that caused blindness. He referred me to a specialist named John Heckenlively.  I nodded my head, pretending to understand what the hell he was talking about, took Heckenlively’s number and proceeded to blow the whole thing off. There was no way I could have some random, rare eye disease.  No one in my family even wore glasses; except me of course.

Fast forward about five years; I am walking out of a Borders bookstore heading toward my car, and as I turn a darkened corner, the sidewalk in front of me disappears. It was like the darkness had consumed the ground beneath me. I stood there in abject terror for a few minutes, until I looked up and found a street light shining dimly a block away. I rushed toward the light, telling myself to call the eye doctor in the morning.  I obviously needed some new glasses.

Two days later I am in the Ophthalmologist’s waiting room, filling out-patient forms, and I come to the question about previous problems with eyes. I hadn’t thought about my visit to Dr. Vogel, the aforementioned optometrist, or Retinitis Pigmentosa in five years, but sitting in that waiting room I remembered, and I think at that moment I knew something was wrong, something that couldn’t be fixed with new glasses. That afternoon I had my first visual field test and was once again referred to Dr. Heckenlively. This time I couldn’t ignore it.

Five months later, I was formally introduced to Dr. Heckenlively and Retinitis Pigmentosa.