A good friend of mine made a great recommendation regarding my blog; she pointed out that people new to my blog may not know that when I refer to Zelda(or Z), I am taking about my white cane. So, in future blog posts, if Zelda is part of the story, I will make sure to add a note explaining who (what) she is. Thank you to my friend – you know who you are and I love you!
So, yeah, Zelda is going to be part of this particular post. You may be thinking, ” oh god, not that bitch Zelda again”, but, unfortunately, Z isn’t going anywhere, no matter how hard I try to get rid of her.
I have been treating Zelda deplorably. I have ignored her, shunned her and concealed her on a crowded hook. If I don’t see her, I don’t have to think about her; and if I don’t have to think about her, I can pretend that I can see just like most other people. I am really good at the avoiding and pretending thing.
When I was learning to drive – the second time; a few years after two accidents and a ticket for failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk (no one was injured) – my Dad took me to an abandoned parking lot to test a theory. He asked me to just drive around as if I were searching for a parking space and then he randomly shouted out things like: OH MY GOD, A BABY IN THE ROAD or LOOK OUT FOR THOSE NUNS; every single time, my response was to take my hands off the wheel and look away, as if I wasn’t really driving the car. My instinct definitely veered in the flight direction and I obviously, in some seriously twisted part of my brain, figured if I ignored it, it wasn’t happening.
Of course, it turned out that my accidents were, in large part, due to RP and my limited peripheral vision, but at the time I had no idea that I had RP and that I wasn’t seeing things that fully sighted people would see. That being said, I still took my hands off the wheel.
I wish I could say that I am one of those people who sees a challenge and jumps in with fearless determination; I am not. I am, however, incredibly proficient at avoiding the things I can do to make challenging situations a little easier. I eventually come around to face reality, but then I close my eyes and turn away like an insolent child; I don’t want this fucking problem, disease, etc., and I am not going to deal with it. I have been doing it with RP for years, so I was bound to treat Zelda with the same dismissive attitude.
As I have said before, and will say a million times, RP is a total mind fuck. It is purgatory. It is the gray area covered in fog. It is a disease that begs to be denied, especially by those who are well versed in denial. But, RP is pesky and persistent and pops up often to remind me that I am defective. No matter how much I want to, RP won’t let me take my hands off the wheel.
It doesn’t matter how many coats and hats I pile up on the hook over Zelda, she is in my head. I have to find a way to see her as an ally, but I am struggling. I feel the weight of her even when I don’t have her with me. I went into my mobility training with a positive attitude, but discovered that this is, without question, the most difficult challenge I have faced in my RP journey.
I am having trouble fending off my insolence. I keep screaming in my head that I don’t want RP and I don’t want the fucking cane, kicking at the reality of my disease and trying to reject it; but, I don’t have a choice, RP isn’t going anywhere. If I don’t find a way to see Zelda as beneficial, one day, I am going to get seriously hurt. The thing is, I can’t imagine it hurting more than it already does.