I need to begin this blog post by saying that I am not so sure I should actually publish it, but I probably will; more often than not, I do the things I shouldn’t do…….
I am in a dark place. That phrase always strikes me as so fucking ironic, given the whole blind thing, but it is appropriate on so many levels. So, yes, I am in a dark place; not the place I had imagined myself after completing my orientation and mobility lessons, but that isn’t a surprise. I am an expert at building up the outcome of things and calling it being positive, when really I am just setting myself up to fail.
I imagined that I would emerge from O&M feeling a renewed sense of independence and freedom, but instead I feel like a huge weight has been tied around my neck. I thought I would feel invigorated to go outside and be a part of the world, but I feel more isolated than ever. I know that I am depressed, and that isn’t a new feeling for me, but because I had so vigorously anticipated the opposite, I am pretty far down in the pit.
I have been spending countless hours trying to convince myself that I don’t need Zelda, so I can go back to my life before her; when I went hiking and shopping, and got to put some dedicated effort into pretending that my vision is just fine. But, maybe it is just fine and I can keep getting by like I was before….until something super cataclysmic happens and I am thrust back into reality. Or maybe that is the most stupid plan ever.
The point is, I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know. Is my vision really that bad? Do I need Zelda? Was the visual field correct? I feel so crazy walking down the street with Z, seeing what’s in front of me. Sure, if someone were to suddenly turn a corner or come around the side of me from behind, I wouldn’t have a clue they were there, but how often does that really happen? Do I even know how often that happens? Probably not because I can’t fucking see. But, I can see. I see you walking toward me. I see that you have brown hair and a red shirt. I see you from a block away. But, I don’t see you from even a foot away if you are next to me.
I can’t get out of the mind fuck, and I had to face the fact today that I have been acting like a real asshole by allowing myself to continue to be completely consumed by all the emotions that have come up as a result of bringing Z into my life. I haven’t been that nice to friends and I haven’t been a support to my husband in all the ways I would like to be. I cut myself off from so much that made me feel good, all so I could focus entirely on something that shines a light on everything I feel I am not supposed to be; flawed and broken and fat and lazy and blind. Focusing on all of that made me mean, which is something that is really not ok. Flawed, broken, fat, lazy and blind; well, those things just make me human.
If I sound like a total nutter….well, welcome to my brain.
I know that there are some people who may find the way I express myself to be detrimental, to me and to the blind community, but, come to think of it, they probably aren’t reading my blog. Anyway, I just want to say that I am not a representative of the blind community, nor do I speak for visually impaired people. All of this mass of crazy shit that I write about is just my journey and I have to do it as honestly as I can. My honesty is messy and uncomfortable and I feel so ashamed of it and of myself most of the time, but still I am compelled to write it out and scrape some of the bleakness off my skin.