I have been eating my grief in mouthfuls of unhealthy foods and bottles of booze; since beginning my O&M lessons, I have gained 8 pounds. But, recently, Joe changed shifts and I took it as an opportunity to get healthier, both emotionally and physically. I haven’t had a drink since we started getting up at 4 a.m., and I thought I was eating better, but in the past week, I have gained 2 pounds. I feel defeated and I know that I continually defeat myself;. it is an avalanche.
I have dropped down into dark places since I was a child, and although I have become more adept at getting myself out of them, the older I get, the less I want to get myself out. I feel exhausted sometimes, just by the act of breathing and having to interact with the world on any level. I can’t find the energy to propel the positive into a more prominent position than the negative; and so I eat. I eat and I gain weight and I become more and more unrecognizable to myself.
It has also occurred to me, because I have gained so much weight during O&M,, that perhaps I eat so I can keep the focus on being over- weight rather than on things that are so much more important, like my writing and RP and Zelda and my close relationships. In my family, there in nothing worse than being over-weight, so if I stay over-weight, I get to keep being the failure in my family; my role stays intact and my focus steady.
Most days, I wake up wishing I could step out of my skin and be a better person for everyone around me. A better wife and daughter and sister and friend. Perhaps all of these feelings are happening simply because my O&M lessons are ending and it will be me and Zelda and blindness, in a world that is breaking apart, a country that is falling into ruin under fists of rage and hatred.
I don’t write about this for sympathy, or even understanding, but simply because it is the truth and I know that it isn’t just my truth. So many people feel versions of this and I hope that my writing about it may help someone else feel less isolated.
This sadness isn’t all of who I am, just a part that I recognize and try to rise above so I can become someone better, someone who I know I can be. I look forward to the day when I can see the person behind all of this darkness.