Today I feel like I am failing; with O&M training and Zelda. I keep waiting to feel natural with Z, but instead I feel awkward and so far away from the reality of what she means to me and to my life. I can’t get a clear handle on why this is so hard for me; what about me lacks the ability to just get on with it? It is as if any courage I had has been slowly peeled away, the layers brittle and dusty, collecting in my blind spots. My health is deteriorating as I gain weight at an unprecedented rate; it is as if I am creating a barrier, but I can’t see what that barrier will protect. I have distanced myself from the good habits I had been honing before the O&M started; I stopped meditating and exercising. I am at once consumed by the changes in my life and doing everything I can not to face them. I think that would make anyone feel a little bit nuts.
Today, I got off the bus at a pretty sketchy corner, many blocks from my usual stop, but I was determined to use Z for my entire walk home. I felt like I was going through the motions and not really using her to my advantage. I find myself falling back on all of my old coping habits, not trusting that I can use Z to my benefit. I know that I don’t practice enough. I know that six weeks into my lessons, I should probably be using her every time I am out.
As I was writing that last sentence, Tamar texted me; perfect timing. I was texting with her and started to cry and realized that I have been thinking about all of this blind, Zelda, white cane stuff and I have been writing about it, but I haven’t really allowed myself to feel it. I have been a bit down and I have been isolating myself, but I haven’t cried or truly mourned. I have thought about what it would mean to mourn, but I haven’t done it. So, Tamar is giving me a week off so I can do the feeling part of this is a way that will help me get on with the walking out in the world with Zelda part. I can’t believe that I hadn’t cried about this; I cry about everything.
I am crying now, and that is a good thing.
July 26, 2017 at 3:08 am
I’ve been really inspired by all your posts about Zelda. You are actually facing up to it and doing something. Full of admiration. Also much great writing and excellent poems. Keep going and be kind to yourself!
July 26, 2017 at 12:31 pm
Thank you! I needed this today.
August 3, 2017 at 6:07 am
Being disabled is an endless procwss of adjustment to the next challenge. I find myself cycling through anger, fear, frustration,acceptance, and relief. I just work on compasdion, with mixed success. No fault, just practice.
August 3, 2017 at 10:48 am
Thank you Michael; as always, your words carry wisdom and comfort.