Today I feel like I am failing; with O&M training and Zelda. I keep waiting to feel natural with Z, but instead I feel awkward and so far away from the reality of what she means to me and to my life. I can’t get a clear handle on why this is so hard for me; what about me lacks the ability to just get on with it? It is as if any courage I had has been slowly peeled away, the layers brittle and dusty, collecting in my blind spots. My health is deteriorating as I gain weight at an unprecedented rate; it is as if I am creating a barrier, but I can’t see what that barrier will protect. I have distanced myself from the good habits I had been honing before the O&M started; I stopped meditating and exercising. I am at once consumed by the changes in my life and doing everything I can not to face them. I think that would make anyone feel a little bit nuts.
Today, I got off the bus at a pretty sketchy corner, many blocks from my usual stop, but I was determined to use Z for my entire walk home. I felt like I was going through the motions and not really using her to my advantage. I find myself falling back on all of my old coping habits, not trusting that I can use Z to my benefit. I know that I don’t practice enough. I know that six weeks into my lessons, I should probably be using her every time I am out.
As I was writing that last sentence, Tamar texted me; perfect timing. I was texting with her and started to cry and realized that I have been thinking about all of this blind, Zelda, white cane stuff and I have been writing about it, but I haven’t really allowed myself to feel it. I have been a bit down and I have been isolating myself, but I haven’t cried or truly mourned. I have thought about what it would mean to mourn, but I haven’t done it. So, Tamar is giving me a week off so I can do the feeling part of this is a way that will help me get on with the walking out in the world with Zelda part. I can’t believe that I hadn’t cried about this; I cry about everything.
I am crying now, and that is a good thing.