During the past two days, I have been to the grocery store twice. Both visits had me feeling anxious and unsure of my surroundings and footing. I had Zelda in my bag, but I didn’t take her out; feel free to call me a dumb ass. I did think about taking her out both times, but instead of using this tool which is at my disposal to help me feel more secure and confident, I chose to walk around the store having who knows how many near collisions and feeling totally tensed up the entire time.
Yesterday, Joe was with me, so I had him to lean on if I needed to, but today I was alone and the choice to leave Z stashed in my purse was screaming at me in a different way. Somehow, knowing that I now actually have something at my disposal which would make my trips to the grocery store easier, makes me feel my discomfort more keenly. I knew that there was a way for me to alleviate my anxiety and what it feels like when that anxiety actually lifts; this led me to make a different choice on the way home.
I took Z out and unfolded her just outside of the grocery store, then proceeded through the parking lot and down the sidewalk toward my favorite ramen shop. I wish I had some thrilling thing I could write about, but the walk was pretty uneventful; Z helped me over some cracks in the pavement, I passed a few people walking, and the cars at street crossings were definitely more patient than when I am sans cane, but no spills or bruises or confrontations.
When I got to the Ramen shop, I realized that it was their break hour, but the owner came out and invited me in to place my take out order early. I folded up Zelda and went inside and he didn’t even look twice at her. I felt like I broke through some serious ice. Zelda has seen the dirty streets of Hollywood and I am out of excuses.