I hate January. It is a month of sad anniversaries and debilitating despair. I am useless in January. I gain weight and get drunk and climb under the biggest rock I can find. This January was no exception; but now February has rushed in and I am slowly emerging.
Just as I expected, when I came out of seclusion, my demons were there to greet me. They are like bad friends that I can’t shake, no matter how deeply I keep them, or myself, buried. They are the faces of fear and grief, and no matter how much vision I lose, they do not seem to dim or fade. I am sick of them. I am on a mission to get them the hell out of my life.
I have been allowing fear to control my whole life and I have the power to stop it from interfering with my journey. I have been stuck in the pit of grief over the loss of my mom at 18 and my brother just a few years ago, and I have the power to feel it without allowing it to define me. I have been isolating myself because of my limitations and my differences, but I know it is time for me to step out into the world and live beyond my limitations.
I don’t have any grand plans or schemes of recklessness, but the motions don’t have to be huge to be impactful. I am ready for something new. I am ready to believe in the beauty and the power of my voice and my words and my heart. I am ready to get un-stuck.