I think I am seriously messed up. I feel as if I should be elated to have learned that my RP is progressing so slowly, but instead I am feeling despondent. It isn’t as if I wanted to hear bad news and I do, of course, feel very fortunate to be maintaining the sight that I have, but I also feel sad. Perhaps it is because there is a sense of being back at old square one. It is great that nothing has changed, but nothing has changed; I am still the same almost blind, chubby girl living in the Purgatory of Sight. I am neither this nor that; I still feel like nothing.
This may sound as if I am swimming in self-pity for no damn good reason, but this set of feelings exist for me outside of self-pity. I think it is more self questioning. If my vision is stable, then shouldn’t I be working and living and functioning the same as normally sighted people? If it isn’t total tragedy then be quiet about it and just try to forget. The problem is that I can’t forget because I still only have about 20% of my peripheral vision and that just isn’t enough for me to pass as a normally sighted person.
So, it seems that Purgatory is my fate. It is what I live and what I write about. It is where I feel stuck. It is a place filled with fear and so much of the unknown. Purgatory is where I learn and love. It is a place before the darkness where hope is allowed to exist. Purgatory is the place in which, today, I feel blank. But, it is my place.