I have been feeling incredibly defeated since a recent family gathering. Defeated by my inadequacies, by my failing sight and my 40 extra pounds. I have been abandoning myself, night after night, to the comforts of Cabernet and waiting to feel a sparkle again, or at least a bit of a shimmer. Today is not that day.
I was working out at home this afternoon, like I do most days of the week. I have a dance DVD that I particularly like and after some kickboxing, I decided to get my groove on a bit with the dance workout. During the first segment, I did a bit of a spastic leap, landed strangely, twisted my ankle and fell. I just sat there on the floor, sobbing and dissolving into waves of self loathing. I felt so broken. I felt like a failure; an uncoordinated, over weight failure.
I was devastated to discover yet another thing that I would never be very good at or that I would have to take extra care doing because of the damn RP. I know it sounds like I have a bit of a fatalistic attitude, but I arrived at this injury already feeling so broken and useless that it didn’t take much to send me over an emotional edge. Most of the time, I do maneuver through my disease with a certain amount of strength and a refusal to let it beat me, but sometimes the reminders of how RP makes me vulnerable feel like too much to bear.
For a fleeting moment, while I was dancing, I felt free from myself and from my blindness. I let my guard down and felt a clarity of body and motion and then I stepped off into the abyss that is my deteriorating vision, slammed back into the reality of my disease and crashed to the ground. I had forgotten for a moment that I can’t just dance without thinking of the constant threat presented by obstacles that seemingly pop up out of nowhere. I can’t be free in my body because my motion is chained to my blindness.
I know that this is how I feel just in this moment and how I will probably feel the next time I fall. But, I will also remember those fleeting seconds when I was dancing and I felt free. It is that feeling of freedom that will lead me to brush the tears of defeat from my cheeks and to dance again.
June 7, 2012 at 5:18 pm
So sorry to hear you are suffering. I have been there. I have a retinal disease and the last 6 months my vision has gone into the pits. I feel the same as you do at times. Sometimes feel I am fading away. But then I think that I need to celebrate what I do have and not mourn my losses. Losses happen every day when you are moving forward in life. I tell myself that my sight is as gone as my youth. But we need to pick ourselves up and try to enjoy the things we do have. Tomorrow will be better…..
June 7, 2012 at 6:06 pm
You just wrote exactly how I feel and what I needed to read. Thank you. It is always good to know we are not alone and that there are people out there who really get it.
February 3, 2018 at 9:26 pm
You continued to find another knot in the rope to cling to.