I haven’t written a word in ages. Not a blog post or a letter or even a grocery list. I try to read other blogs about writer’s block and books about writing tools, but I think what I have isn’t writers block, but total writing avoidance. I find myself actively avoiding this blog and the computer in general. I don’t check the email address associated with this blog because I am afraid that if I do I will feel guilty for not writing. But, when I come here and I write and I share my experiences and I put out a new blog post, I feel elated. I know that my one true passion is for writing and yet I avoid it as if it will somehow cause me harm.
I have thought about the possibility that what I am most strongly avoiding is writing about RP. I find myself avoiding a lot of things because of the RP; some because of physical limitations or ramifications and some for purely emotional reasons. But, I don’t have to write about RP. I choose to write about RP because it is what I know and it is so entangled with every moment of my life, but I don’t write because I have RP. I loved to write long before I knew I was going blind and even then I suffered from this total writing avoidance.
So, maybe I am just lazy and I don’t want to put in the work it takes to write something I can feel proud of. But I will do the dishes and clean the house and work out and do the laundry and a host of other things before I ever get around to sitting down at the computer. I will take the time to crochet 20 scarves to avoid writing.
Maybe it is fear. But of what? Pressure, failure, discovery? Perhaps I am afraid that I really don’t have anything to say or that if I try I will find my voice has disappeared. I don’t know.
But I do know that I am here now, in this moment on this day, writing. And it doesn’t have to be perfect or great or even good as long as the words are there.