When you are losing your vision but you don’t know how quickly or to what degree or even how much will eventually be lost, you are sort of forced to adopt the attitude of crossing bridges when you come to them. I realized recently that what has felt like one of the most frustrating aspects of having RP, the uncertainty, could actually be liberating. I have spent the years since my diagnosis in endless hours of contemplation over ‘ what if’s”. What if I am blind by the age of 50? What if I lose all my vision? What if I stay this sighted for the next 20 years? What if there is never a cure? What if there is?
I have known about my RP for almost nine years and my vision has been relatively stable for the past five. I know that I can’t count on that, but I have also learned that living in dread of the unknown keeps me frozen and fearful. I need to truly embrace the idea of living in the moment and start feeling my life in its current rhythm and not allow it to function as an afterthought to what the RP may bring. In this moment I see and I am grateful. I will cross tomorrows bridges when they come.
March 1, 2011 at 3:15 pm
Living in the present is a wonderful idea. It is true we allow ourselves to be influenced too much by what did or didn’t happen. Or by where we would like to be in the future. This is human nature. When the past has not been all rosy, and the future looks tough. It’s even harder just to look on the bright side.
To be as good as you are, as fun as you are. As compassionate as you are; and as cute as you are. The only future I see is hopeful, and we will live it together in the present.
March 1, 2011 at 3:40 pm
You are my hero!
March 1, 2011 at 11:42 pm
A favorite quote of mine (from the grandmother in the movie Strictly Ballroom) is this: “A life lived in fear, is a life half lived”! I lived my life for many years in fear, controlled by my ex-husband, I believed that I couldn’t make it on my own. It wasn’t until I took the wise old grandmother’s words to heart, and realized I was living actually less than half a life, and I wanted to no longer live my life in fear of what may be good or bad, but embrace the unknown, and live my life.
March 2, 2011 at 8:36 pm
HI Paula –
Strictly Ballroom is absolutely my favorite movie and the quote you write of is actually my desktop banner on my laptop. You are obviously a brave, strong and wise woman with exceptionally good taste in films. Thank you for sharing your story.
susan
March 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Agree. RP has its challenges some days they seem overwhelming … other days not so much; but what you describe of living fully in the present is one of the gifts.